Other People and Their Time

I realize, something I sorely hate is being right about the negative qualities of others. Something I can't stand is having the feeling of someone not following through, and them proving that gut feeling correct.

I'd really like to believe in others, but when they behave that way, it makes it rather difficult to.

I'm learning to walk to my own drum beat in a more full way, but at the same time, it's hard seeing the mouse get let down. It's sobering feeling someone let you down, or let someone you care about down. It's annoying knowing that they've managed to hurt with their carelessness and then having to clean up the mess.

I could laugh about my prediction being correct, but it's not something to really be happy about.

As mentioned before, RC and YC were supposed to be visiting the mouse yesterday. I remember joking with YC probably not being able to see them because I had work - but to be sure to let me or the mouse know if they'd be by.  They made a date for yesterday and didn't keep it. I'd actually managed to switch my schedule around as a sort of a "surprise", and they only seemed vaguely remorseful after learning that I was there. All I get from this is finding them even less reliable and much less of a desire to do much of anything with them in the intimate terms.

The mouse was upset most of the night and I fired off my own string of blunt texts (that they may or may not get... or have simply ignored.) They've been texting with him off and on since then and we both  had our own share of sharp words. His were answered. Mine were a bit more cutting and concise.

The mouse told me later that he doesn't want to lose my respect if they come by later and the more erotic things happen between them. I said plainly that I feel they no longer deserve the privilege. It's possible it's all a difference in the way we both look at things. To me, to let them disrespect in such a way and then "call in a fuck" screams of a kind of desperation and doormat... They were both accountable but nothing said.

He has to make his choice as I have made my own... but if I think less of him or respect him less for his choice... I think I would if he takes them up on sex. Not for matters of him having sex with other people... but for a matter of self respect involved in it.

At least what is perceived...


Sleepy Sex (in passing)

I remember an arm around my side and the press of an erection between my butt cheeks.

We'd been silly and all out playful in bed. We made bad jokes and I curled onto my side laughing about some of them. He whined. I fondled him a little and said some of my "trademark horrible things in a sexy voice." And then I bent forward a bit in bed, pressing against his groin. He peeled my underwear to the side for a moment, I told him it wouldn't work and pulled them down.

He entered me sharply and I cursed, not out of pain but of pleasure.
"You're wet."
"I'm always wet."

And then I laughed a little before drawing a sharp breath and cursing again. He thrust his hips as we laid on our sides and he held up my leg.

"What was that?"
"Nothing... I just tend to curse when you're fucking me. Is that a problem?"

His answer was pushing in again a few times deeply.

The hour before had him giving me a spanking, though I know it was mostly out of me asking than him genuinely wanting to. He licked my pussy, though he admitted he loves oral, said he did it mostly out of my asking. He thrust even though he was sore and I pushed back against him, perhaps greedily, after having three orgasms already that day. I would say I would want more.  I rode him feeling a little numb and not much friction at all.

All of the feeling was in my still swollen lips and slightly hard clit against his belly.

The spanking was interesting, to say the least. He started slow... almost too slow... and I'd been sitting around with my nipples in a pair of suckers. He didn't eek of dominance or desire... just was very passive about it all.

Something as simple as that cooled the entire moment.

Perceiving desire and showing it is important. It being only one sided can be painful...

Feeling Like Something Is Missing

Something in my heart hurt and I've once again that feeling of things being not quite right. My sense of fairness feels a little like it's being teased. Also, I feel like my boundaries and patience are about to be pushed.

Recalling the couple RC and YC, they are to be in town again and an assumed visit for tomorrow afternoon. They were supposed to be meeting with the mouse last week and I spoke up to him regarding it... RC and her lack of initiation or communication... YC and his lack of sticking to plans when they're made... and last night I spoke of my not wanting to see him hurt... There's a possibility that my jealousy is also protective. It seems I get upset most when people seem to be trustworthy and at the same time give hints of not truly being so.

Remembering the last time we were all together about six months ago and how I felt more or less out of the loop. I can handle it all a bit better and told the mouse simply that it would be a matter of him going back to condoms with me. Then the news was broken that RC is now having strong feelings against her partner playing with any other females. As much as I didn't expect anything to happen, this all stinks of me being left on the outside again.  Of course, I could speak up. I could talk about fairness... but at the same time... I can understand where she's coming from as right now I don't want her to touch the mouse unprotected.  It stinks of double standard...

It reeks of it... and I don't like that one bit even though I probably wouldn't have been doing anything with YC anyway.

Then again, I could just give them all the death glare and ruin their time. (but that would be petty).

In a perfect world, they'd bring "home" my current crush with them. Then again... I guess it would be a matter of just how much I'd want to see him if I wanted to do it solo. Roundtrip of approximately fifty dollars... and we'd get tired of each other rather quickly, I'm sure, save the physical contact. This is where logic speaks up. Then again, if they brought him "home", there would still be the tension between him and his ex.

Scratch that.

It's possible that a lot of this feeling is realizing and acknowledging time marching on without much change from me. I want, dream, try... but there are few visible changes save my waistline. I'm watching people on a path that I'm not taking... much like someone on an overpass and strolling as the cars speed by hundreds of feet below.  I still don't see a husband and children in my future. I do see the possibility of a girlfriend or a wife... I'm just not so sure about a husband anymore.  I still lean towards a poly-tribe but I don't know how easy that will be... Married for the benefits? Yeah, possibly... if there are any benefits to be had.

I found a white droplet of the start of milk after playing with some suction cups and fantasizing about being hooked up to a milking machine. I have my own steps to walk. It all might end up being rather lonesome... but it will be mine.


"The heart knows what it wants..."

I'm a firm believer in us all having the answers to whatever comes our way, even if we may not realize it at the time.  Right now I'm having a case of knowing but just not being able to fulfill.

My heart aches. I want to get away from everyone and everything. I want to retreat and have some time in solitude to truly recuperate. There's no such place I can go do to that right now. I currently can't afford to drop everything and run, even though I'd like to...

And at the end of it, I want to be held by safe arms. I want to be pampered and doted upon... but not baby talked to. I want to be caressed as a woman, not talked to as a child. I want to lean on someone stable, for just a little while, just to be refreshed.

I want to be able to trust that my lovers will be honest with me... or even just one lover who honors me and loyal. I want to take a spiritual sexual journey... and to be able to go on it with someone I care about. I don't want to take such a trip alone, though I know it's possible.

I don't want to be LEFT alone... but if alone on my own terms.

It's not on my terms right now...


Twisting Dreams

My dreams before waking have felt odd lately... They've also had a vivid simplicity to them that could have hidden depths.

My subconscious is running wild or it's trying to tell me something.

I'm a firm believer that one can reach out and touch others on the dreamscape. The hard part is actually doing so. The lucid dreamers may try it but they don't necessarily succeed... that's my thought...

So I think that my dreams have been trying to reach my "soul mate". Then again, I could just be mentally acting out. I could be trying to find some kind of relaxation or relief. Perhaps it's little more than a dream.


Layered Longing

Everything feels amplified by my period.  Everything feels intensified. I do so love the pleasurably intense. (But I don't like a crushing crash...)

If I start peeling back the layers, something that stands out right now is "feeling undesirable" or "untouchable because of my period." I know that one or two people will perk up suddenly if I say that then respond saying that I'm "crazy"... but the proof is in the encounters themselves. Those same people will say in the next breath "You're right, it's a turn off because you're bleeding." That can be a little soul crushing. I say that fluid bonding is a huge deal and that's included in it... (Though that's not to say I wouldn't have period sex with a condom... it would likely make it a bit easier to clean up.)

The mouse... complains... and pouts... then says he feels guilty (as if to suddenly go into a state of "I feel bad, make me feel better." ) It doesn't help. I mentioned that it doesn't make me feel very hopeful for the future if for one week out of every month he doesn't want to be near me because I'm flowing red. It doesn't make me feel very desirable if for the day or two of my ovulation spotting - he is reluctant to get near me sexually. Considering how my cycle is now... there's a good chance there will be a small degree of blood at any given time. That's part of how my body works with its hormones. That's how a woman's body naturally works. It bleeds. I bleed.

And then it dawns on me that the one or two other female bodied persons that he's interested in having sex with no longer menstruate because they're on a steady stream of progesterone. I thought for a moment about taking some for the sake of my induction efforts. I grew against it remembering how dry and depressed I got from depo... how sore and tired my body gets as a whole and the migraines when the hormones drop. (Will be trying Motilium with herbal supplementation of Shatavari and Fenugreek. He likely won't like /that/ one bit either.)

I've felt more or less comfortable with myself save my desire to be milky and maybe just a little more tone so I don't have as many muscle aches from everyday tasks. It's strange how a natural condition and the view people have of it can strike your self esteem. No.. come to think of it... it's not strange at all. It's a blow to your being. Not being accepted for who and how you are can be crushing... especially if it's from someone who you treasure.

Perhaps, the feeling of being "safe" is gone - even as much as he says I make him like a protector. He doesn't do a very good job of protecting. He never really did but before there was at least a feeling of connection. There hasn't been much of that lately. There hasn't been much /time/ lately. I know I want more than watching him play video games or shows. Perhaps, the feeling of balance is gone... I know some of the things I do are for my comfort (like washing his linens or cooking up a meal to avoid eating takeout). They're things he benefits from but there is no thanks.

I think it all boils down to wanting to be appreciated and accepted.


Missing What You Never Had

It could just be a case of the "surreal" from a lack of sleep over the past few days... or maybe just the feeling of a change...  Things don't feel quite right anymore at a certain house. I feel a little as if I'm tempting drama by even considering it... but things don't feel right...

If I never mentioned it before, my current crush happens to be the ex-boyfriend of a friend... a long term boyfriend gone ex. I feel incredibly selfish for even considering it. At the same time I know it's the fact that I'm sexually attracted to this guy and very much horny. I'm learning new things and I'm wanting to try them out. I'm wanting to feel.

It's possible I'm still in a strong state of longing. It's possible I'm just in a sustained level of yearning.

They say a closed mouth doesn't get fed. Something I need to work on then is the matter of simply asking. I need to learn to ask for what I want. While I still would love to be in an ANR... I have a slight leaning towards breast and nipple torture ... (pinching and pulling only) . I could invest in another breast pump for the price I spend on a sex toy... My hands tend to hurt a lot after using a manual. Then again, I could just wait and see just how dedicated I am. Will marmet massage or will I forget about it all. If I can't stick to that - then why buy a pump?

Things don't feel right and maybe it's just my perception of what home really is. I miss the people who I identified with it... I miss a person that I indirectly adopted as family. Maybe I always had but never understood just what it was. Maybe I never really appreciated it.



It's possible that I'm just taking things far more seriously than they need to be taken. It's also possible that I take myself far too seriously.

I sent a message out to the crush and felt a little odd for doing so. I was civil. I was to some degree well-behaved. He ended the conversation with a note later on that he was happy to hear from me.  Hearing such a thing made me strangely happy...

Hearing such a thing twisted my heart in knots. It is possible I've just "fallen" hard while completely aware of the things the mingle with it. I'm convinced it wouldn't work out in the long run in terms of a "relationship" ... but if it was just to be close... if it was just to be physical... there is no such thing with me. To be physical is to be emotional.

It feels like I've been punched... and part of me wants that thudding pressure again... part of me wants to relax in that sort of thing and be bruised. I want my legs to not work properly again and to smile because of the soreness. It's not going to happen and I'm aware that the crush is a submissive at heart. 

While they could be called affectionate, or loving, or even appreciative - they hit me with a dull thud of the variety I'm not fond of - those words...



My shoes are noisy. My steps jingle slightly as I move. I added my cat bell today so I'm just plain belled.

It's a soft tinkle... and chime... a jangle...

Oh, how I love the sound in my step when it's intentional. I don't mind turning heads or ears when in a good mood. I just don't want to be talked to or up as much.

I'd rather float in the sound of my bells around me... and perhaps imagine a dance.


Believing in Desire

I was late for work this morning... or at least later than I'd originally planned on being there. (I was still on time in terms to the schedule though.) I went in smelling like sex and sweat. The reason being that I had an absolutely delicious masturbation session before leaving the house. Even now, my legs still feel a little bit like jello.

I have a mix of emotions but amongst them is still that lingering want... I've told myself I don't need to buy anymore sex toys for a while. My hands do a pretty good job of stimulating me. I have a collection that doesn't get nearly as much use as it could. (And they certainly do /the trick/ when I have enough time and privacy to enjoy the sensations.)  Something I must learn is how to live in that pleasure and accept it.

I must learn to believe in my pleasure and allow myself to have it. It's easier said than done. Sure, a lot of us could be said to be allowing ourselves pleasure, but that doesn't mean we're doing so to the fullest. I want to do so to the fullest. I want to float in that sea of bliss and in it become one with the universe. My path to enlightenment might live in my sacral chakra for now... for now at least. Then again, I just might be fixated because I have an addictive personality and love to feel things intensely.

I need to trust were my heart is trying to tell me to go. I need to trust my instincts. Without them, where will I be? Where will I go? I want to live each moment but without regrets. I want to enjoy life, love, and fucking as much as possible. (Also, love-making, and just plain PLEASURE!) I need to trust my voice and use it.

I need to use my voice.

Something I know I must learn is how to let go. That's probably a hard part. I'm here still coming to terms with me crushing on someone who would at this point in time be a long distance thing. There is no THING. There's my attraction. There's his attraction. But there is no THING between us as much as we flirt when together. I need to let go of the notion that there will be more... rather the hope or expectation. While I wouldn't mind being with someone like him... to be with him would be bad for both of us right now. To be with HIM right now would be painful for me right now. To do such a thing would be detrimental to the friend's circle. But I can be selfish and want to play, can't I?

Thinking back, I think the feelings for Mr L faded when he turned out to be all talk. He still speaks now and then and in our last conversation after I said with a joke that I was feeling horny, that he'd be willing to play along. I expect nothing from him even though he says things like "come down to AC and spend a weekend in the room." We can discuss but there is very little compatibility besides a physical attraction. With this crush, there's a mutual respect even though we likely wouldn't be good together... not monogamously anyway. He wants freedom and I want a harem.

They want freedom and I want a loyal harem.

It feels almost hypocritical to type such a thing, but I do. Is it some kind of psychological outgrowth of wanting to be accepted by people in general? Maybe. Maybe I just want the multiple flirts, variety, and gangbangs... Lots... of... gangbangs... Also, cuddling. I can cuddle with some better than others. While the mouse is a comfortable cuddle and warm, there's no feeling of security or safety there. Calm, but not protected or safe... or if safe - only by my own doing.

Thinking back, I don't want to be all talk. I'm telling people such of what I want - but I won't be bullied into their timelines anymore. That isn't fair to anyone. At the same time, I need to try not to put that pressure on others. This crush might be me trying to put pressure of reciprocation out there... then again, he can be a little hard to read sometimes.

I need to trust that the people who I care about or would pursue anything with, would come to me and voice their want fully. Then again, we all have our reasons to /not/ do something. He told me he's always seen me as "belonging to the mouse"... or maybe just off limits. I'm letting those limits open up but just in a very controlled way.

I don't care how hot you are - I don't hook up. Not on a first meeting. Maybe not in the first month.

As much as I keep rolling my words over I just know I need trust... belief.... without those things there is little else for me.


"Is that why they call it a crush?"

My heart is hurting... and it annoys me... TERRIBLY. I know I'm alive. This is coming with the territory, I guess.

Somehow, I feel so terribly lonesome, and my mind keeps flashing back to the expression he had on his face after the quick kiss. I miss the excitement of a fresh kiss. I can feel those of the mouse coming... they're warm but not exciting. I wonder if I'm seen of as boring once I've been had. I wonder if I'm simply bored with the average male...

Somehow, I feel so terribly lonesome, and my mind flows back to him being putty in my hands. For just the moment I could feel him relax, even though I could also feel the bones in his frame and some hint of musculature. He asked if I was trying to seduce him. I let out a playful "maybe, what do you think?." A gentle bonk to his head was given after he gave me a look... "If there's anywhere else you'd like me to rub down, just let me know."...

He did say he felt better, and that's something that counts to me. The pleasure of the person getting the massage matters to me. Then again, I go into a bit of a trance sometimes when giving. I long to be under capable hands...

And then my mind flows back to his hand across the small of my back... nestled against his neck while in his lap. (as well as the shifted erection beneath my thigh...) I remember the few times I backed into his lap playfully... and the time he bit my breast.  Sharp... through clothes... but delicious...

Maybe, he makes me wonder. Maybe, I feel like I missed an opportunity.

It's possible also that I missed his signs... or knowingly rejected them remembering the ex is still someone I consider a friend. He's still someone I would like to lean on... and I hate the thought of this getting in the way of said friendship. "Would you like to get a room?" From a simple closed mouth kiss on the lips. Something that could be considered so innocent... I can't help but wonder if it excited him. "Are you trying to seduce me?" and the "aw" that came out of him afterwards.

Just like that, one misses their privacy and their window. Perhaps, it was all taken for granted when it was there... or not really.

I really do need my own space. Then again, I do know we have very little in common save a degree of attraction and flirting. There's a friendship. There's a respect. We wouldn't go well together as a couple - but it would be a pretty wild ride in the bedroom.

My jealousy and possessiveness (and obsession with doing things safely) might get in the way of that. Time will tell..



I'm far too possessive of people I have no business being possessive over. This is boils down to.

The weekend was/is a bit of a blur save wanting to make out a lot and have lots of sex. I had none of the sort. Sure, on arrival at the function, the mouse and I were able to slip away and he let loose with a bit of back scratching, growling, and finishing before I even fully began.  All the moment did was make me even more sexually frustrated than I began.

I admit, I wanted lots of sex and one on one time. I wanted lots of touch and cuddles. What did I get?

I got a drunk friend, the lactophile, slipping a little tongue with a kiss on the lips. (he never kisses to begin with... )  I got another friend who I playfully called for "debauchery" with, that ended up getting a closed mouth grandma kiss.  I got to give someone a massage and then made to feel bad about it.  I got limits, loneliness, stress, and tears discovered while I tried to retreat unseen.  I got the mouse feeling "weird" when I tried to verbally joke about lowering inhibitions... (the joke being that I HATE that kind of behavior...  booze fueled "intimacies"... I'm a consent junkie after all.)

I remember telling the mouse that I wanted to at least try to be more sensual... learn to flirt properly... and then pointed out that people at least take him seriously. Many times it feels like I'm viewed as a sort of comic relief, cute,  adult-child. For however playful, or puppyish I get, I feel like my sensuality isn't even noticed... and so I just eat it up when it's complimented or I'm able to harness it.

In all honesty, being with the mouse hasn't helped my sexual side even if I've discovered more about it. I haven't been able to act completely or develop it.

So, it hits me now... I think I've got a crush... a bad one... I haven't had one in ages. (or at least since Mr L.) Maybe it's just the attraction to this person and their qualities, maybe it's just that they have a body type that's pleasing to my eyes.

And maybe I've an inclination to become a fallback girl ... even though I don't want to be.

Or, it could be that for as attracted as I am to him, he won't be as emotionally available as I'd like... remembering his ex... yes, I know his former partner that seems to be an on again off again thing... Given I was never looking to "hook up." I don't think I'd be happy in the long run with him, but for the matter of something purely physical...

I don't think I can do a purely physical hookup.  I don't think I can do a one night stand.  But, playful flirting I can do, yes (as long as I'm getting some touch and flirt love in return).  But, cuddles I can do, yes (just let me have time to eat them up).

Yes... it's a kiss of a crush... a touch of NRE or limerance... and I'm far too possessive of  people I have no business worrying about. He's not going to be monogamous... then again, I'm likely not going to be either in the end. My matter is having closed circles that while can expand, stay closed as it does. Not come and go but staying within the circle. Something like that.

He did ask if I was okay... a couple times even.  I did feel a bit ashamed. He was the last person I wanted to see at that moment. I do hide when vulnerable...  and I don't cry easily in public. (or at the very least I try not to). I did downplay it.

"Ugly Duckling" fits perfectly...
Painfully, perfectly...

I appreciate the care even though I don't see it much from others but the mouse... even though the mouse seems to be mostly trying but not succeeding. There was a bit of that strange "safe" feeling... but perhaps it's mixed in with knowing his sense of duty, loyalty, and responsibility. I can support that.  A sexual sub but still a leader... maybe tempered and polished by the things he's faced... and here I am wondering and being a marshmallow... (I'm not a marshmallow but just busy feeling sorry for myself. THAT is understood.)


Devouring Pain

It's possible that while I fuss and complain over lingering aches (frequently hamming it up), I just gobble up erotic pain in a scene. That's what I think, at the very least.

Right now, my body is wracked with ache that lays somewhere between sweetness and that which would annoy. I purchased a paddle and a cat o' nine tails ("-1", because it's missing a flagella). My shoulders feel a little sore from him holding (not choking) me from behind, as well as my neck muscles. The back of my thighs and hips ache from possibly a combination of my back-thrust and the beating. I am groggy and am in between...

It felt like it took long enough, but I got my spanking last night. It ended prematurely, however, and I floated about with a mixture of pout, unfulfillment, and light gratitude. It doesn't happen often. He feels too self conscious to do it often and worries about being heard. I love the feeling. I don't care about being heard even though in "consideration" I stifle my moans. I bratted. I mocked trying to escape in an attempt to draw him into it a bit more. I hid the paddle behind my back as I sat "giggling" all the way. And he seemed to enjoy it all until I let it slip that I heard a door close.

He closed himself then.  I'm not sure how much he listened when I told him to look into how to properly hold some items. He whipped himself with "-1" with almost every strike he gave. Then again, he seemed much less into it at that point. I told him to use it because it was quieter but it made me want to scream.

So worried about "hurting" me... though I wanted to be hurt. So worried about being heard though there's nobody in that house who isn't into a degree of kink.

I need a gentle domme with a slight sadistic twist. I need someone to match me. I need/want someone I can spar with on an emotional, physical, and kinky level. The tricky part is finding such a person and having the trust there. The tricky part is finding anyone of this type that CAN be trusted.



They say there’s never an end to the many books out there…
I love to read and through the years I’ve managed to put together a collection of both physical and ebooks that may take me quite a while to get through. I’m also of the opinion that one should get as much information on subjects that interest them from as many sources as possible – and then make their own educated judgment. Something useful can be pulled from any source! (and some sources are prime examples of what not to do…)
Here is my current list of books pertaining to human sexuality, the erotic, and BDSM.
Suggestions of other books are welcome and encouraged.

Last updated : 7-11-12

- -- Body Language for Dummies
- -- Dating for Dummies
- -- Flirting for Dummies
- -- Sex for Dummies
- -- The Complete Idiot's Guide to Amazing Sex
- -- The Complete Idiot's Guide to Tantric Sex
- -- The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Kama Sutra
Alain Danielou -- The Complete Kama Sutra
Andre Van Lysebeth -- Tantra, The Cult of the Feminine
Anne Hooper -- Kama Sutra - Classic Lovemaking Techniques Reinterpreted for Today's Lovers
Anne Hooper -- Kama Sutra for 21st Century Lovers
Anne Hooper -- Sexopedia
Annie Sprinkle -- Dr Sprinkle's Spectacular Sex
Atwood, Austin --  The Toybag Guide to Erotic Knifeplay
Ballentine, Johnson, Michaels -- The Essence of Tantric Sexuality
Barbara Carrellas -- Urban Tantra
Barbara Keesling -- How to Make Love All Night
Barbara Keesling -- Super Sexual Orgasm
Barbara Keesling -- Talk Sexy to the One You Love
Berkowitz -- He's Just Not Up for it Anymore
Betty Dodson -- Sex for One
Bobbi Dempsey -- 1001 Sexcapades to Do If You Dare
Brame, Jacobs -- Different Loving
Charla Hathaway -- Erotic Massage
Carol Queen -- Exhibitionism for the Shy
Carole Altman -- Electrify Your Sex Life
Chia, Wei -- Sexual Reflexology
Christa Schulte -- Tantric Sex for Women
Christina Abernathy -- Erotic Slavehood - A Miss Abernathy Omnibus
Claudia Varrin -- The Art of Sensual Female Dominance
Copeland, Link -- Soul Sex - Tantra for Two
Cordelia Fine -- A Mind of Its Own
Cordelia Fine -- Delusions of Gender 
Deborah Addington -- A Hand in the Bush
Deborah Sundahl -- Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot
Donald Kraig -- Modern Sex Magick
Dorian Solot -- I Love Female Orgasm
Douglas, Slinger -- Sexual Secrets - The Alchemy of Ecstasy
Easton, Hardy -- Radical Ecstasy: SM Journeys to Transcendence
Easton, Hardy -- The Ethical Slut
Easton, Hardy -- The New Bottoming Book
Easton, Hardy -- The New Topping Book
Elise Sutton -- Female Domination
Elise Sutton -- The FemDom Experience
Eve Ensler -- The Vagina Monologues
Felice Numan -- The Whole Lesbian Sex Book
Flagg -- The Forked Tongue
Foley, Kope -- Sex Matters for Women
Fran Greene -- The Flirting Bible
Francoise Simpere -- The Art and Etiquette of Polyamory
Gary Chapman -- The Five Love Languages 
Georgeann Cross -- Sexual Power for Women
Gandhi, Rosenberg -- Nonviolent Communication
Gordon Inkeles -- The New Sensual Massage
Hanne Blake -- Big Big Love
Hardy Haberman -- The Family Jewels - A Guide to Male Genital Play and Torment
Hogan -- Intellectual Foreplay
Hugh deBeer -- 269 Amazing Sex Games
Hugh Urban -- Magia Sexualis
Ian Kerner -- He Comes Next
Ian Kerner -- She Comes First
Ingrid Bellemare -- Owning and Training A Male Slave
Jack Lee Rosenburg -- Total Orgasm
Jack Morin -- Anal Pleasure and Health
Jack Morin -- The Erotic Mind
Jay Wiseman -- Jay Wiseman's Erotic Bondage Handbook
Jay Wiseman -- SM 101 : A Realistic Introduction
Jethá, Ryan -- Sex At Dawn
John Warren -- The Loving Dominant
Johnson, Michaels, Taormino - Tantra for Erotic Empowerment
Julius Evola -- The Metaphysics of Sex
Kacie Cunningham -- Conquer Me
Kathy Labriola -- Love In Abundance
Ken Addison -- Around Her Finger
Keith Sherwood -- Sex and Transcendence
Kenneth Ray Stubbs -- Erotic Massage
Kezia Nobel -- 15 Steps To Becoming A Master Seducer
Lee Harrington -- Sacred Kink
Lee Harrington -- Spirit of Desire
Lee Harrington -- Shibari You Can Use
Lou Paget -- How To Be A Great Lover
Mabel Iam -- Sex and the Perfect Lover
Mantak Chia -- The Multiorgasmic Man
Mara Altman -- Thanks for Coming
Mark Michaels -- Tantra for Erotic Empowerment
Marrena Lindberg -- The Orgasmic Diet
McAdams -- The Illustrated Guide to Tantric Massage
Michael Moran -- Erotic Tickling
Mim Chapman -- What Does Polyamory Look Like
Mistress Lorelei -- The Mistress Manual
Mollena Williams -- Toybag Guide to Playing With Taboo
Nicole Daedone -- Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm
Nitya Lacroix -- The Complete Guide to Sexual Fulfillment
Omar Garrison -- Tantra - The Yoga of Sex
Osho -- Sex Matters
Pat Califa -- Public Sex
Peter Masters -- Look Into My Eyes
Peter Masters -- The Control Book
Peter Masters -- This Curious Human Phenomenon
Rachel Swift -- How to Have an Orgasm...As Often As You Want
Raven Kaldera --  Dark Moon Rising
Robert Greene -- The Art of Seduction
SapioSlut -- Sapioslut - The Collected Adventures
Sheila Kelley -- The S Factor
Sheri Winston -- Women's Anatomy of Arousal
Susan Mumford -- Sensual Massage
Tristan Taormino -- Opening Up - A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships
Tristan Taormino -- The Ultimate Guide to Kink
Violet Blue -- Seal It With A Kiss
Violet Blue -- Total Flirt
Vivienne Cass -- The Elusive Orgasm
William Herkin -- Consensual Sadomasochism
Yvonne Fulbright -- Touch Me There


Leaving Me Restless

Maybe it's because it's spring... maybe it's because I'm coming into my peek... maybe it's all the sex books I've been reading and trying to learn from... and maybe it's just that I've just been taking my vitamins again.

I've been terribly horny to the point of being insatiable.

It could be that one of my friends/friends of friend/boyfriend of friend is in the hospital and I'm getting a reminder of how short life is. It could morbidly be because they've been attracted to me for a while yet and has made it known that they wouldn't mind doing more than just cuddle up. (All things in the open, their partner knows. The mouse knows. I just haven't done anything with it because I'm a picky slow moving git(?))

It's possible I just want to feel more alive. It's possible I just want to be thrown around a bit and bitten. It's possible I just want to be explored and thrilled.

Or, I'm just restless...

Things have been rather stagnant around these parts and I would like things to be moved and shaken. I'm still worried about my financial future but there's still that base level on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. I could rearrange some of those things quite a bit.

Lower needs... lower chakras... my core... my root. I'm not feeling stable and as such I'm restless... As much as I love to fly, I need a bit of grounding and stability.



My mind is a little out of place. I've been thinking a lot about trans issues today. I've been considering my place in the gender/sexuality spectrum and have "settled" on the fact that I'm fluid.

I'm also nursing a panic attack that wants to claim me.

Queer... switch with the boys and bois, strictly top with the girls and grrls.

So, what of the trans? It makes me feel a little like a hypocrite, but I guess in that state it's more a matter of who it is I'm with. In that state... I don't see myself submitting to another woman, even though I love and appreciate the female form. I wouldn't be a very good top from the bottom. I might direct but still be very much "in charge".

I'm not an aggressive... I'm not exactly butch... and all this think about labels does little more than frustrate and confuse me.

It feels exclusive.

The labels make me feel lonely.

It's interesting how all the words out there to define what you "are" also puts up a line on what you "are not". Perhaps, it's my own scrambled condition, but it builds walls while making little groups.

Vein diagrams and fences...

Queer is a catch all but what does it really mean?

I like femmes... but not super "girly"... not airheads... feminine with brains... emotional and intellectual depth. Smart females tend to be feminists. Then there's the talk about how a "real feminist" wouldn't be into such things... which I know is absolute bull...

I'm full of so many so called contradictions. It's a little frustrating to me sometimes.

Maybe, it's just the looming panic attack that being kept barely at bay - but I'm scared shitless right now about just how well I fit with others and finding others who fit with me.



I have a cold sore.
It's living on the right corner of my mouth.

I know it's no big deal and all part of the fact that I've got "the face herpes"... and I have to suffer through it. It's been quite the pain, however. It's amazing how an open sore on your face can make you feel so vilified... so horrific. It can certainly strike at your self esteem.

It's only a cold sore... it's only a tiny blemish that hurts when I talk or open my mouth to eat.

It's going to heal. I just have to remember that. The downside is that it makes me feel unattractive and unable to kiss as much as I'd want to.

Your body has a way of telling you when you need to slow down. Maybe this is a little of that. I need to slow down and take care of myself for a little while. I need to watch my diet and my exercise. I need to be mindful of my stress levels.

All else will follow.



The short of it - I had my first ejaculation during sex. I really don't know how it felt except for the fact that it happened.

This is the long.

I believe I've mentioned before that I've been reading more books about human sexuality. I've been reading more about female sexuality. I've been considering my own queerness and embracing it more outwardly though it's been there and confused inwardly. I've started considering how to express it more. I'm opening my mind... or at the very least attempting to. I'm also trying to make an attempt to just relax more and orgasm more often... even if it's being done solo.

Maybe, I've just come to terms with things... Maybe it's all just a reset and a rebuild.

The mouse and I had a "long" talk the other day... THAT long talk after the matter of the trust break. I put everything out that was on my mind and he did as well... or at least some of it. He got angry. He kicked a chair and held back a yell... then broke down into sobs. I told him of my fears, cried my own screaming sobs (or rather allowed myself too for a little while before choking them in my throat.

We came to terms and I laid down my boundary... boundaries... and then it was fine again. Somehow that feels like it fixed it all. He said he understood and that he'd try harder for us to see eye to eye. I followed with us already "understanding" one another - just not agreeing. And so, made my drawn line bold once more.

Then the next day I jumped him, we made out like teenagers for a little while, dry humped, and I got myself off. He asked for an okay to sex, I told him to get a condom, and then my knees touched my shoulders. Maybe I'd just been warmed up enough and I let him know I thought it might be possible for me to orgasm again if he kept it up at the angle he was at. I didn't feel anything but the resulting gush splattered against his abdomen and down my thighs. That might have been enough to set him off - actually. It's possible I was just too startled to realize it or completely feel the release. I found myself actually checking for his condom for a moment.

I felt relaxed but that's about it. My legs were shaky afterwards. I felt calm and giggly. I'm sure if we kept going I might have felt the thunderous orgasm with AF stimulation. Yet, I squirted for the first time in a long time... and I didn't expect it to happen. He seemed to have a bit of pride for bringing me to that point and has said as much as wanting to get me to do so again... he's teased a little too about having to wash the sheets more often if he's found out how to bring it out of me. I'm not against it.

It's possible that for all the love that's felt, I've reserved myself to think of him like a fuckbuddy. It was tender talking about "our future" ... though it's possible I don't completely believe in it even if it's what we both say we want.

I believe in my pleasure. The question is just how reliable it will be.



It's one of those days where I feel slightly haunted by a memory... or maybe just a fantasy.

My last few nights have been spent sleeping half nude while cocooned in a pile of disheveled sheets and blankets. They stink a little of my underarm perspiration but I'm not against that. I just have to pull my head out of the "sand" when I'm tired of my suffocated scent.

There's been a bit of mental lingering over the past few days and it could be said to have been triggered by a dream. Mr L. has managed to bubble up in my subconscious a bit more as of late. It's a bit frustrating as I can't get him out of my head but we haven't spoken lately. I've passed a link or a joke now and then. He doesn't respond, nor should he.

Even so, I had a dream replaying portions of a memory with him the other night... I'd done some light meditation and this bubbled to the surface. I remembered him dozing off for a moment in my lap as I stroked his hair. The memory was fresh, raw, and vivid even. It was one of those dreams where I could feel what was going on. There was a press of flesh, a tease, and coitus interrupted before it began. I remember that much and then wonder what would or could have been between us.

Maybe the world is more simple than I think. Maybe we can reach out with our minds. Maybe the power of attraction is in action. Maybe there are fields where thoughts and energies pass and touch those we miss most. Maybe hearts do call out to one another in the dreamscape.

As I wrote he said hello...

I admit my frustration. I admit to wanting to be on the receiving end of an erotic massage. I admit I want confident, gentle, feel good , skin to skin contact. Then I remember the only people who have been able to ignite that fire in me with a massage were Mr L and my former... It's depressing. Then again it could be as simple as me opening up to them and laying myself bare. It could be as simple as exposing myself and being happy with the moment. It could be as simple as me being attracted to them head over heels and just as enthusiastic to pounce around them in a puppyish way. That might be the most frustrating part. I want to feel that again with another person. I want to be touched the way I touch others. I want to feel what "they" say they feel when I reach out to them... The question is when.



I've been reading Mara Altman's "Thanks for Coming" over the past few days. It's a good train read, maybe even a good "sit in the bathtub and hide" read. I'm enjoying it more than I thought I would, even though there are some things at the start of the book I don't exactly agree with. It's her story. I can't argue with that. I identify with her words more and more as the book goes on. It's an interesting view. It's funny. It's refreshing.

I've thought over my own sexuality a bit more since I've started reading it. This isn't to say that I've been transformed by this memoir. We can all learn things from different sources. We can always take something new away from our experiences. It could be my own grief and frustration showing or it could be my stress. It could just be for the love of it - but I've been orgasming solo a lot more often lately. That would come up to being on average once every day or two. PMS wasn't too rough this month though I've felt stressed in general. My mind feels clear though my clit feels a bit numb today. It's possible I've just needed to get that energy flowing again. I used my Carnelian egg and from then on I've felt a bit more open in my sacral energies. Maybe open just means that I'm not ignoring them completely in this case.

Pleasure is good for you.

I still feel a little bad over having to do this alone. I still feel a little lonesome for not having someone willing to co-conspire in my orgasm. Perhaps it's better to say that I don't have someone I'm attracted to willing to co-conspire. The mouse and I are on a definite rock right now. We still haven't gone over the questions of what will be of our relationship. He wants to be hopeful and in my mind flashed "I want to be at the happy end, not the messy middle." Similar to my loc journey... The end result takes time. If he and I are going to work as an open relationship, or even a closed couple, it's going to take time. I know that in all of the other issues, my orgasms, or lack of, are mixed in.

He said he felt devastated when I told him that his usual techniques didn't satisfy me. He's been hung on that ever since. I would think that would be a cause to try and learn new things. There's an art to sex and seduction. It's not all "insert, pound, and stir however you like." He said that he had hopes to "bring something back" in terms of learning new ways to be a lover. It actually feels like he's completely skipping over whatever guidance I try to give. It seemed to work best when he JUST LISTENED to what I liked and actually tried it.

Men make women's orgasms their own... claim them as badges. Some of them do at least. It's upsetting. It's also slightly depressing. I didn't think I'd be with someone like that... or was... At the same time, it feels like he's given that up as well. It could be stress... it could be sensing my frustration. I remember the last few times left me feeling upset when I tried to honestly show enthusiasm. I remember the last few times feeling lonesome and letdown. Then I remember him going on to another person within days.

I don't know if he has been in these last few weeks. I don't really want to have sex with him either. Maybe, that's keypoint.

No trust, no love, no intimacy.

No pleasure = no orgasm.

I still wonder what my future holds in terms of my sexuality. I wonder where my own personal revolution will take me. I've got enough things mentally tied up that I don't know where I'll end up. I've got enough cobwebs and baggage.

Maybe, if I were more of a minimalist and more zen, I'd easier come. I'd easier go. I'd find that moment to float in space all the more simple to taste... to touch... Maybe, it would be all the more palpable when I wasn't alone and attached to a mouth.

They start deep. They build up and then overflow with a gush. They're like a volcano erupting or what causes a mushroom cloud to form. It's better to say that they're a geyser of water and fire.

He told me they look intense, not like anything he's seen before. My orgasms are large, powerful explosions. Maybe that's why it takes work and time to get them there. They're a release.

Maybe, they're tied to my nipples and my voice. I've had to stay silent. That in itself has always been frustrating. I've had to hold my voice in my throat, stifle my moans in a fist or a pillow. I've not been able to let them go - and perhaps that's stressful in itself. It's depriving my own voice. It's depriving a sense. It's denying the experience for the comfort of those surrounding...



The short version of it all - the mouse did something that broke a lot of my trust.
The short version of it - he did something that he said forgot was "against the rules" and thought I was alright with considering that I simply tolerated related acts in an attempt to deal with the open aspects of our relationship better.
The short version is that we are most definitely going back to condoms if there is to be sex ever again between us. I don't think there will be any time soon.

Do I want to leave? Not particularly... but at the same time I don't know or think there's much left for me with him. The best he has to offer may not be good enough for me to accept as a partner. His best might be pure in his intentions but not enough for me in terms of what I give and want to receive from a partner.

Do I want to leave? Not particularly... but at the same time I don't know if there's really any future for us or if he's even given it more of a thought than a romanticized "be with you for the rest of my life" in words. I've asked him what he means by that and he shrugs an "I don't know."

So I made a list of questions... something for us to discuss in a few days. They're the "tough, soul-searching, what do you want" type of questions. There are some that I might have trouble with but I'll try. The point is trying. Even if we can't see eye to eye on whatever future there might be for us, at least it would be good to know as individuals what you want.

Still, I've a lingering feeling that this is all really just prolonging the inevitable.


Disconnected Dissonance

I'd like to preface this post by saying that I'm aware that many of the things I perceive are not true. I am also aware that the way I view myself is still evolving and my own self esteem has been low for so long that I feel like it's normal. I'd like to change that. I'm gradually rebuilding myself from within and hoping to fully love the finished product.

My physical body does not match my mental one. It boils down to that.

The mouse and I had a bit of a photoshoot yesterday. I wasn't very happy with the results. Then again, he doesn't usually take pictures of people and said right off that he's never done anything like that before. I don't mind having pictures taken of me, and actually felt a bit sexy yesterday. Normally, in photos, I look rather childish. I'm bubbly, bouncing around, goofy. I make faces. I burst with childish energy. Sexy normally just isn't it. So I moved, shook, shimmied, and arched. I bent over, backwards, crawled, and reclined. I petted myself a bit and let go sometimes a longing gaze.

The pictures were either ugly or honest. It could be a form of mirror image distortion. It could be a matter of just the angle I was viewed at. It could just be that the pictures were poorly taken or I'm just not used to seeing myself "head on".

He zeroed in on my vulva... I don't think she likes the way she looked. I thought of an elephant... or some animal. She didn't look "human" ... but she is still mine. I admire her petals when I take pictures or look in mirrors. But his pictures... somehow... don't feel right.

Out of all of yesterday's shoot, I only "like" one or two out of the batch. I don't really connect to any of them as being me.

I'm not as fit as I imagine myself to be. The pictures showed that in part. The fact that I can barely jog for more than a few yards shows that.

Also, comes to mind something I read out of an Easton/Hardy book... (I think it was "Radical Ecstasy") The concept of having a penis made of energy... While I embrace my vulva and the feelings she can bring, I felt my uterus tremble last night... but didn't orgasm until I visualized having a "phantom energy penis" of sorts. It's hard to explain. That felt right. As soon as I felt like "it" was being stimulated, I went over the edge almost immediately.

It's not a part of physical body but it is there in my mind.

I'm not going to try to rationalize all of this away. I would like to understand it a bit more, however.


Underneath it All

I think I'm beginning to understand why "they" say to sometimes wear lingerie underneath everyday wear. It's an interesting , almost naughty kind of feeling without doing something truly risqué. I haven't worn a bra in a little over a year and have gotten used to having to sometimes hold my breast down when bounding up and down stairs or taping down my stout yet near perma-errect nipples. (It's possible they have also gotten used to the every day friction of fabric against them.)

Still, I'm beginning to understand, I think...
I put on an industrial weave black net bodystocking with an open crotch before leaving the house this afternoon. True, I did some of the "conventional" preparation and grooming by shave/trimming my underarm and pubic hair. I washed with peppermint soap and anointed my body with oil from neck to ankle. I slipped on a belled clit clamp too and when I stood upright I felt my body thrill with the net confining me... especially around my breasts and ass.

For a moment I contemplated some shibari (given I have someone to play with...)

I put on a pair of cotton panties to catch any stray drops of excitement (or blood considering I'm due for some ovulation spotting) and the clip if it should slip loose. I think that might have been a good idea. My body seems to not like to keep on clip style erotic jewelry. My clit might also be a little "stout" that way. Jewelry stays on for either a moment and slips off or after it stays a moment it hurts and not in the "erotic discomfort" sort of way either. It still looks good, however.

I could make a habit of this.


Wanting To Be Human

It's possible that most of my sexual release with a partner is tied into pain. True, I'm game for tenderness and cuddling. Pleasure as "pain" centers me, however. It brings me back into the moment. It's possible I just need a way to stay focused on the moment at hand.

Solo play isn't so hard. I can drift into fantasy, take my time, come back to it later if I no longer feel like it. I don't feel forced. Partner play, however, feels more like work sometimes. Maybe that's why I haven't been able to enjoy it as much. It's "work" to stay focused on my own power. It's "work" to stay in a role. It's "work" to play teacher and I really haven't felt like doing that much.

Maybe I'm a lazy sex partner when it comes to what I really want. Maybe I'm just THAT easy going that I can't even get to what I need. And so, "pain" brings me back.

I'm in need of a loving dominant. My succubus is burnt out. She is napping. Maybe she's closely linked to what in me I call "the cat". It's possible that just the kinkier side of me wants attention and in this, I can not focus.

Tracing my fingers along my sides, I feel more alive when it's rough. Maybe I'm addicted to the slight pain. Maybe I'm mixed on how I feel about it. It hurts and yet... it hurts and yet... I'm happy.

Pressure delights and I think I fed on his own smoldering control or slow losing of it. I need to see the passion there. I know this. It hasn't been. And so I dare with my eyes to tear off my clothes. So I dare with my lips to make me stop or submit. I brat... I feign resistance... and his reaction turns on more.

I possibly need most a controlled explosion much like the cap slowly being loosened on a bottle of soda. I need to feel that explosion... and for the combustion to be able to engulf me.

It's possible I need more than many can offer. It's possible I'm a glutton. It's possible also that he's just not in the shape or endurance to help bring me to that fulfillment... of health enough to not stay alert. I'd like to think it's not all an act. I'd like to think that it's not all a matter of trying to "prove differently" considering the last few times I've wanted to be sexually intimate and excuses of being too tired came up. (then "arranging" to play with someone else the next day) It leaves a bad taste in my mouth. But, at the same time it feels like he's trying in that department at least.

It would be easier if sex was off the table, but we're not at that point yet...

I think of how I'd love a proper spanking again... that rise... and how I might have to look for someone with enough stamina to keep up.

I need to be kind to my knees.



The salon visit was a bust. My locs have been "ruined". And, that's pretty much the last straw.

I feel myself in what feels like the middle of a full melt down. True, I could start my locs over again with a predefined GRID and bring that to a hair braiding place to get them retwisted in a way I want. I could chop off my hair (but I won't). Maybe it's just this terrible feeling of UGLY that's permeating. I know it's prob not as bad as I think it looks. It could just be that I'm unhappy with the situation and what happened to my hair was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. Maybe I'm just hurting over a lot of things... or mostly over Mr L... but still.

He who says he feels submissive to only me seemed to pick up on my mood right away... while he made an offering, it's not what I want... it's not what I need right now. Maybe it was because I put so much hope into MAYBE getting what I've been longing for from L that it stings... this disappointment. (then again, it's not like I've been having much sex anyway these days.) He wants me to dominate and use him. I want to be filled... felt... and desired. I want to be lusted over. I wanted L to DEVOUR me in the sexual sense... but also let loose some passion.

He joked about having a blowjob while he worked. I told him straight out that he could have had it if he'd played his cards right. That it wasn't something so impossible. And I felt ignored by his response. For all the talk, and flirting before hand, it turned out to be ONLY talk. I told him this. He said a "next visit I'll take more actual vacation and play time." He directed words to me as if there would be.

I told him I reserve the right to think of him as all talk until he proves otherwise.

Harsh but true? Maybe...

Still, I'm tired. The mouse picked up that much when I told him about the "nonconfrontation." He said it was passive aggressive but that he could tell I was fed up.

I am upset... I'm tired... I'm frustrated... and I don't want to be. I know it's mostly the feeling of being let down. It's mostly that feeling of being strung along and then left out in the cold.

There aren't any princes among the frogs... just a couple toads. (though the toads might take offense to that...)


"Kind of like waiting for the phone to ring..."

Feeling, once again, terribly out of sorts... and I know it's because a certain someone is in town. I remember him saying he wanted to hang out. I remember him saying he wanted to go see a movie. Maybe I should just get it through my head that he's all talk. Or, maybe it is that he's too shy.

No... perhaps just all talk.

I'm still tired of doing more for anyone than they would in return. I'm a little burned out on pursuing and would like to be earnestly pursued by someone I'm into, for a change. There's a part of me that's very iffy now on seeing him at all... Maybe it's my inner snark... my internal cat turning up her nose.

I don't deny I'm a little upset about it, but if he doesn't come by, I save a couple dollars. I bought some lingerie but it's not like I would have gotten some use out of it anyway... not with him... not this week (as he hasn't gotten his testing done and sure I could just hop on with condoms on but I don't feel too comfortable doing so.) Maybe, I just want more passion in general. Maybe, I just want to make out with that person who was so able to light a spark in me.

I act as if I don't care, but I do. I would like to go out to lunch or dinner... I would like to go on a date... and I'm so terribly irritable now because of all of this that it's not funny.

I've got a hair appointment mostly because I need it, but also because I wanted to look my best. I wanted to look some mix of cute and sexy. I'm wearing makeup again for the first time in a while... and now I'm managed to eat the dried skin off my lips. I wash my hair tonight in tea and maybe I'll feel better come morning. Maybe I'll be calmer even though I won't see him today.

So, I'd like someone who'd come when I call. (or at least say outright that they aren't coming and why...) There isn't anything wrong with that. There isn't ANYTHING wrong with wanting someone to be upfront with you.... and I know I should at this point just leave him alone or call him out on being all talk. There's only so much "checking back" one can stand.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours."

- Mary Schmich

I need to keep reminding myself of that. I need to keep telling myself that. I don't think I've been reckless. (or at least... I don't think I've been...)

I think I confronted him on this once before... Mr L... He apologized and said he was and had been tired. This was years ago... but I still remember that... I don't expect much. Maybe, I never will expect much from him. But that's okay. There are likely other souls out there I'm more attuned to. There are other souls out there I could probably be closer to. The fact that there was even a glint of a past doesn't mean that there is a future.

I would like more friends, however. I would like to spend an hour just kissing... ONLY kissing...

What self help, goal making, guidebook could give me that? The matter is true mutual attraction... if there ever was. The matter is finding someone who can spark up that smoldering passion that continues to burn long after the touch is gone.

Nobody's perfect, and I don't trust anybody who acts as if their partner is... that acts like the focus of their affection is. We're all flawed. He could just as easily be listing down reasons to not see me as I wonder if I'll hear from him after all this talk.

His idea... I flirted with it... and it does seem all talk.

So, I'll go home and wash my hair... maybe feel much better in the morning and then I'll hit the salon. I know I have a long day ahead even though it might feel a bit lonesome. Everyday feels like that lately.


Tension and Flow

My spine feels tied in knots. It's more of an "energy" based tension than a physical one. It doesn't hurt... I just feel stuck. It's a rather unsettling feeling and at the same time I know it comes from that feeling of "something isn't right."

I could go back to saying it's tied to myself life. My period started a few days early this month after having sex with the mouse... unsatisfying, "ok have to get myself off if I want to orgasm" sex... meek, mild-mannered, "he's only now moving because he wants to hump, and to hurry up and finish" sex. Nonexistent passion again... and that annoys me. It just about sickens.

Again, remembering a bit how he's been with others. Enthusiasm and it honestly feels like he's just throwing a bone... holding back... pulling away...

It's not about orgasm, or lack of... it's about effort. I could get myself off a thousand times but it seems he doesn't even try... stopped wanting to try... gave up on trying...

Thinking of period sex... it's a rare thing. He's put off a bit by blood but it's not as if he hasn't done it before. It's not as if we haven't had sex while I'm menstruating before. It's not as if he can't wash up or shower afterwards.

And I ramble... rant... and feel a meltdown coming...

I need to breathe. That's what I need to remember to do... breathe.

I didn't stand for not feeling wanted with ANA, my former. I made it clear I didn't want that distance and ended it. Funny... before the mouse and I started dating we talked about this... about not feeling wanted or desired.

I don't think I started pulling away or retreating until he started being with other people. I don't think he started being this way until I started to pull away. There's a part of me that wants to scream "Thanks for fucking it up." but I know it's not that... he's being true to himself... and I know that I still flirt away even though ... even though...

Part of me wants to say "if only you weren't so picky... ", but picky isn't a bad thing. Being selective isn't a bad thing. If only I was better at picking...

Writing for myself... I wonder if it was ever a good idea to have this blog public... I still doubt there are people out there reading... and if they are, they certainly aren't saying so. If they are, they're just sucking in my words to pass their time... their day... their... whatever it is.

I don't want to turn this inward. That rawness put to word is like a negative affirmation. But, I still want to scream.

Breathe... I need to breathe...

Mr L. will be flying in at the end of this week. I think it's Friday. For all his words, I don't really believe anything will happen. I don't believe there will be a lunch, or dinner date. I don't believe there will be cuddling or more. Then again, I don't think he really WANTS more... or from me a more. (I've said before that a prerequisite for sex with me is getting testing done or at least verified status. I know the "condoms every time" script...) I mentioned this to him... he never made the time.

I've said before that people who can't make the time to get themselves checked up aren't worth mine. I don't want more scares. I don't want to take the risk. I don't want someone else’s lax outlook to end up hurting me.

I'm tired of people who don't care. I'm tired of being attracted to people who don't care.

I'm tired of putting forth the effort and energy for people who won't do the same for me.


Everything I Can't Have

A few months ago (perhaps around last Halloween) I invested in a dildo marketed as "The Werewolf". Without going into my bit of a werewolf fetish, I know the toy is a case of eyes bigger than my stomach... er... orifices. "He" has 10 inches of "usable" length and a two inch base. The head is 9 inches around. (compared to the deliciousness of the NJoy 11 - which is 5.5 inches at the side that fits easily and 6.5 at the one that doesn't).

That alone makes this toy one for "Fantasy Only".

I named "him", River. In fantasy, River is a towering, toned, dirty blonde were. In a way, "he" is also named for Mr. L and imbued with the things it's possible no mortal man could give me.

My fantasies are still fertile even though I feel stagnant. My dreams still exist even though I'm not able to act on all of them...

Perhaps, my tendency to think about what I want and don't have (or what I need and am not getting) is stronger than I believe. Then again, it could be like hunger - gnawing with urgency. The heart pains could be just like the hunger pangs faced.

A satisfying fantasy is still a fantasy.



I want to scream and curse and throw a tantrum. It's only Monday. It's ONLY Monday.

The weekend was a bit underwhelming and it's possibly as simple as me needing a nice long workout and a moment to make a mess with my art supplies. Either way, I'm very much aware that I'm stressed out. My hair, which admittedly I usually ignore, is an actual concern. Also is the roundness of my body.

It's possible I just need a nice cup of hot tea and a massage. It's possible I just need a horny, hot, charming guy that I trust who finds me equally charming, trustable, and hot to pounce on. A gal with those qualities would also suffice but I admit I'm very much about the dick today. (Then again, toys are fun and I still could use a feeldoe if only for sake of packing right now)

I'm at my worst when I haven't had enough sleep and when my hormones are floating all over the place. The world usually feels like it's about to end just before my uterus breaks forth with flow. I feel like I'm about to die - and then my period starts. My period has already started. I feel like I'm falling apart... and I didn't get much sleep last night.

Maybe, my need for pump or impact play is showing again. It's possible I want to go on a date or an exhibitionist adventure.

Maybe, I just need an adventure.

I remember telling the mouse once about how I have a slight kinky enjoyment for stairwells and libraries. The matter is having or doing in such a situation ever again. Perhaps, as Mr. L seems much more interested in spending time with me on a visit, I could try with someone new. Then comes a matter of just how brave or daring they would be.

Again, it could just boil down to me not having enough sexual satisfaction and a little too much of too little stamina. There's a silly little worry that my butt is getting in the way. Or it could just be I need more sleep, exercise, and water.


Something Like Solitare

I admit it... I feel terribly lonesome these days. There's a strange, almost stinging feeling passing through me and I know it's in part because of him. It's mostly because of him. It's mostly because of the way we are. And it's because of the way I choose to deal with things.

Typically, I visit the mouse on Thursdays and every other weekend to do whatever it is we do. On Thursdays, we usually head out a few miles to hang out with friends and I get a ride home. The weekends are an attempt to spend time with one another as we haven't been able to go on a proper "date" since he moved a year and a half ago. This week, not so much.

I think it all has just overloaded my limits lately. Too many people too quickly... Too many "new" people too quickly... in my eyes at least. He'd argue that none of them really are that new. That they've been around for a while... but still very new in terms of sexual relationships it is. There haven't been that many encounters but it's been enough... A few times in a week.

Yes, I'm a bit upset over that still.

It's possible I've never gone back to trusting him completely since an event he called bad judgment. It's possible I'm less and less inclined to want to be sexually intimate with him considering I still don't want to share him... that it actually hurts if I'm not there and involved... that I'm more likely to be repelled. Let's not forget the fact that it's been mostly unsatisfying.

Maybe I'm the one who's become emotionally distant just for the sake of trying to save my own heart. I think that might be the case. I feel ill thinking of it all.

For "all" the relationships I'm in, I'm still starving. In terms of touch, affection, longing, adoration, stimulation... I'm emaciated.

I'm feeling alone.

We're talking and it comes up that he dreads telling me about how his encounters have gone... that the happier he is with them, the more negative the effect it has on me. He dreads it, and I feel ill. I told him about how I have felt unsatisfied sexually, and how it hurts a little when he goes off just because it feels as if he doesn't want to try, or has found it tiresome. I don't think he understands that part...

I've called myself insatiable. I don't think that's changed. If I get in the mood or flow I can just keep going for a while. I don't stop unless I am stopped. I've been stopped far too much, maybe, and long before I've reached satisfaction. He's checked out before then. There's the part of me that wants to give up completely... throw in the towel and just move on... call the sexual relationship between him and I a complete bust. I honestly do not know what to do anymore.

I don't know what to do anymore...

Heart hurts thinking of being near him... maybe I'm already shattered... maybe a long time broken but just trying to hide the cracks.


Begging Is A Soft Limit

A few songs have been floating about my mind the past couple days with all that's gone on... they all have a sentiment of "Ain't too proud to beg." either implicitly or explicitly. Maybe it's just the things that have been going on that are pushing that in mind.

Head is currently floating in a cloud of Palo Santo and Vitex. The Palo Santo was spilled and now I have a headache. I'm also not able to think very straight but in this cloud of wood and sacred berries, there are still so many things that I want to get out. There are so many thoughts that are meshing together that I want to both record before they drift away, and release before I explode.

Perhaps I'm just too easily distracted. Perhaps, I'm too much of a "girl" at heart.

It has been an interesting few days to say the least. It could just be that I'm not happy with the way it goes.

A mutual friend of ours came over to visit again, the couple mentioned before. Their afternoon visit turned into a three day one. I ended up staying out of work as well in a rather irresponsible way. Perhaps it was in part because I didn't get much sleep those nights, or perhaps just not wanting to leave them alone and "unwatched". I was told later by one of the mouse's house mates that all of this "sexy nonsense" started when I'd gone to bed on New Year's night. And so I here and sit and seethe a bit... And so I am...

That first night while we laid in our own respective beds, after a few laughs, him telling me quietly that he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me - the couple eased their way over to where we laid. It was comfortably innocent at that point even though I was topless in the dark for the sake of staying cool. I really wasn't looking for anything of a sexual nature to happen. There was a lot of rolling around to get comfortable. We joked... and then the M of the couple (I guess I could introduce him as YC and her as RC...) dove into his lady's pants and proceeded to start fingering her. She whined and fussed a bit. He fondled and she "melted".

(And there's a part of me that screams "no" on how THAT happened, but every couple has their own dynamic...)

I lightly rubbed at the mouse and he seemed to get sucked into the scene, watching. I sat at the edge of the bed and before my eyes he took to making out with her. I don't know if he asked. I don't know if she leaned in and he just took the chance. I'm not sure what happened at that end of the bed in their hushed tones but he was making out with her while she was now being rather furiously fingerfucked.

Mixed feelings on this. On the outside it's a "beautiful scene" but I had a bit of a conflict there. Perhaps, it's my own selfish way of wanting to be more involved. It could just be me not wanting to share his body. I didn't want to share him. I still don't like sharing him... in the manner of not getting attention at the same time and only acting.

So, I ruined his orgasm.

He didn't say as much, just that he hurt and was still horny in the morning. "At least it's still mine." my logic says. Not very nice, but I did it. I pressed my thumb down good and hard just as I felt it start to bubble up in him. I think I timed it just in time. I felt his cock twitch as it tried to spurt and held it fast as it throbbed. Maybe it cried as he did... a hiss almost. My own subtle "revenge" that was not. When I lifted my thumb and let go, it all came down with a pathetic dribble. And I thought it delicious. A few rubs were given and he commented that it hurt. (I feel my mean streak come up with post-ruined-orgasm-cock-torture ... disguised under what looks like a loving lick, stroke, or squeeze...)

Even so, I'm not very good with sharing. I climbed out of bed after the others fell asleep and made my way to the living room to sit and try to think. That turned to sitting, thinking, and gulping back a few tears. That turned to waving a hand backward in the dark as one of the other housemates came out and found me there. I think I consider this good friend of mine a wonderful support. Then again, I try to give them the same. He and I have the same kind of lingering jealousy and possessiveness, while at the same time wanting the partner to enjoy themselves... at the same time wanting other things and to explore. Just the hug, a few laughs, and cuddles made things a bit better. (Though I didn't care too much for the liquor.)

I stole away another moment with the mouse saying simply in his ear that we didn't have enough private time. I drained an orgasm out of him and then the rest of the evening, even the next group session, seemed more of a blur. I do remember talking with him and reminding him that I don't like being left alone. I let him know what upset me and why. We "made up".

And then was the group session. YC went down on RC. I politely asked with a "may I" approaching her breasts and she said yes. (Hers are bigger and larger nipples but I consider mine superior because they aren't like balloons and I have nicer and more visible areole. It's okay to be vain!) The mouse made out with her a bit more and I stroked him. That girl was more or less the center of attention. And all the while I sat in action thinking "Do EITHER of them really know what they're doing." Maybe more of my vanity, but she seemed to yelp, sigh, and moan when I did whatever it was I did.

A bit of genital massage without insertion was given to her. She’s got a cute, fat, pussy with an almost invisible clit. Maybe I'm just a little biased from knowing what my own looks like. Then some clit massage. Then she got a bit shaky and orgasmed. The mouse said it was really hot to see.

From there I deep throated him a bit. He got hard again and we went back and forth between me riding him and him humping me just for the pleasurable feeling. Meanwhile RC and YC went through a couple condoms trying for a "proper" round. YC orgasmed rather quickly and he said it was more a matter of all the mental stimulation he'd been getting by watching and tending to her.

I was okay with all of this.

The bad mood came the next day when the mouse started on RC again... diving a finger in and making out. I'd started the morning with a sly lick and a smile. He departed. Then to her. I consider that rather foul. Tried to think of it as "oh he's just a little dense... or just dosesn't get it". Foul... just plain foul...

I clawed at his backside a bit and then hovered over with a "hey", finally requesting he go down on me. It seemed to be out of duty. The scene, again, could have been rather hot to the outside eye but I was still a tempest. I'm still a bit of a tempest. So I left the room. I took a shower, and apparently it was enough of a stir and myself so transparent that they all wondered if I was mad at them.

I hated the feeling of having to push my way in for attention. Yes, I know, it's all new. But honestly, I felt like a heel.

The mouse and I half argued later and he said he felt sorry... that he could see I was upset. I asked him not to dick her but hey... it's only a matter of time. They're visiting him again tomorrow. I'm going over today just for some hanging out with the general house... and still... I wonder how that will turn out.

He says he's waiting for me because of all the things I said. Yet, I don't know if I'll be willing or comfortable at this point. Things still don't feel right. Maybe, I just want a bigger fraction of the focus given... something close to what I show.

Or maybe I've been this way all along... and just never knew how to say or show otherwise.

Delightful oil addled ramble, isn't it?


"But are you happy?"

A new year, and as before I feel the urge to scream.

The year ended with a rather boring threesome once more... or maybe just boring to me because I was doing the pleasuring/serving and nothing was coming back or being done to me... Sure, there was a very brief moment where they both sucked on my nipples but it seemed a bit of a lazy way or a way for our friend the lactophile to get over the edge. Within a minute or two and a soft sultry "that's it" from me... and they were done. That was all there was to it. The sex over the past two days has been rather unsatisfying for me and even though I had a total of one orgasm via oral sex... that wasn't cutting it. The strokes aren't cutting it. The actions aren't. Then I wonder if it really is a matter of attraction or lack thereof.

I'm a little upset with the mouse... maybe a slow boiling rage as people have been invited over tonight and they seem interested in a foursome. I really don't, right now. He's been flirting with them both all day and I am admittedly not in the mood. I said as much. We don't have to do anything? I don't want to share. I don't feel any sexual attraction or sexual tension. Really, I don't think I'd be happy with myself if I did anything with them. A flirt, maybe. Maybe little more than that.

This weekend was originally supposed to be about the two of us. We talked a bit about how things will never really be the same again. And here I am feeling a tad angry. A bit miserable. I rode him and it barely felt good... I rode him and I noticed how he came to a peak. I was able to bring him there but I... but I am mostly annoyed. Getting into a rhythm I liked - how quickly it was lost. How swift whatever pleasure was there was lost. And then he collapsed onto his side.

There's a part of me that's still wondering of Mr. L. The love is there but perhaps it is that I'm just bristling. The lust is there with Mr. L but it is nowhere near love. L is linked to longing. It's a curious thing. Then I wonder if I'd get just as bored with him.

It's possible that I just don't connect with others very well in general. It's possible that this is all a result of me feeling on the outside. I'm upset. I don't deny it. And I don't doubt that if the couple invited over does start fooling around with the mouse by default and I'm on the outside - that I'll be rather pissed. I don't doubt that I'd get up and leave the room and sleep on the couch. I don't doubt that I wouldn't want to talk to them again for a while - not that I am now.

Yes, I'm upset.

It's interesting all this talk made of a foursome and they're all just seemingly deferring to him. That now when I bring it up that the conversation dies. Am I that strange? That awkward?

There are, after all, a lot of things under the surface. He's in a rush. The mouse has an attitude of "must do it now or never again." I have my curiosity but the way this is all playing out - I'm not looking forward to it. I'm not even as attracted to the idea.

Jealousy? Maybe. Lack of attraction? Perhaps. There are likely a lot of things going on under the skin.

So, it comes down to, "No, I'm not happy... not one bit..."