I borrowed my friend's husky for a 4.5 mile walk last night. It was in the mid 90's in regards to temperature and I think that I may have tired the pup out... (or he was just as hot as I was by the time I got back). I may have needed the walk as much as he did. While I asked the mouse to come along with me, I'm kind glad he didn't. A dog doesn't complain about a nice walk/run. A dog doesn't fuss because there are "too many bugs." True, they let you know in their own way when they've had enough but usually they're happy for the run.
Looking for fireworks helped me clear my head.
There weren't many but I was fine with that. I needed the air. I needed the space.
I've been feeling rather asexual lately (along with a bit unsexy and a tad antisocial.) The mouse looks as good as he ever did but I don't feel attracted to him. Maybe, it's a bit of reevaluating my emotions but right now not feeling very in love with him either. There's a bit of attachment still there and it's possible it's all the aftermath of an argument that hasn't completely faded away.
This is not the sex life I wanted.
This is not the sex life I want.
This is not the sex life I want to continue to have.
Maybe it was a little bit of wanting some closeness... It's possible it was also seeing if I could excite myself into the moment. It all ended up being a rather "fake" and unstimulating threeway. Quite a jump, right? The guys seemed to certainly enjoy themselves, however. I feel a little antsy and more unwilling to have any form of sexual intercourse with my mate now. Something about how he carries himself gives off the vibe of being an opportunist only there for the moment.
"This is what you wanted, wasn't it?" "You liked it, didn't you?" "You didn't do it half hearted, did you?"
And me the liar.
A rub… being discovered in the act and the mutual friend of ours cuddling into the moment... The mouse put me on the spot saying that I didn't feel attractive lately. As if the approval of someone else is enough to make one feel better or more attractive. It was almost enough to make me want to stop. "She's crazy." Right... something to say to someone sucking your dick. Something to say because you're too shy to say what you want on your own... I paused and the friend dozed for a moment. Only a moment passed and then they gently started nudging their genitals in my line of sight and hand as I kept sucking off my boyfriend. I pet to the leg... a rub... a nudge... I put my hand over with a pause without touching and he pressed against my palm. And then the boredom on my part started. They certainly seemed to enjoy it. They both orgasmed rather quickly. The mouse was calling me almost with pleading by a pet name as I made him twitch. The friend under a blush and gasp while sucking my breasts idly and being worked on my mouse.
I'm sure it sounded hot - but it wasn't. It was the most pedestrian moment I've had in a while... and I hated it. For me it was almost painfully boring and totally unstimulating. This is what happens when your mind isn't in it.
I washed the sheets and pillow cases after all was done and the friend's underwear because they didn't have a spare pair with them.
Feeling less sexy than ever... and that's not a good thing.
Shutting down...
6/28/10
Comfort in Acting Out
Maybe it’s the after effects of the weekend, but I’m feeling energized and far too playful for my own good. Maybe my flirty side is back out to play. Maybe it was from having the chance to be a bit bawdy among friends. Maybe it was the hot kiss from the mouse on the way home last night. I feel good and I feel full of mischief.
Maybe it’s because I walked a friend of mine around the neighborhood on a leash. (well , it wasn’t MY neighborhood… it wasn’t his either.) We were on the search for an ATM and while I gave him back his lead when we walked into stores – out of doors I kept it short and walked in front of him while he carried the bags. It felt completely natural.
I’m clumsy, awkward, and say horrible things in a sexy voice. If I pose I look rather dopey in pictures, and any attempted photo shoot ends up with people laughing and a lot of BAD pictures. I can’t play up sexy spontaneously. And yet, when I’m in the mood I’m told I’ve a sensual smolder and make people melt.
And so I walked a friend around the neighborhood and people stared. There was nothing sexual about it. I just held on, held close, and we talked about random things in the summer heat. It kinda felt like “home”.
Maybe it’s because I walked a friend of mine around the neighborhood on a leash. (well , it wasn’t MY neighborhood… it wasn’t his either.) We were on the search for an ATM and while I gave him back his lead when we walked into stores – out of doors I kept it short and walked in front of him while he carried the bags. It felt completely natural.
I’m clumsy, awkward, and say horrible things in a sexy voice. If I pose I look rather dopey in pictures, and any attempted photo shoot ends up with people laughing and a lot of BAD pictures. I can’t play up sexy spontaneously. And yet, when I’m in the mood I’m told I’ve a sensual smolder and make people melt.
And so I walked a friend around the neighborhood and people stared. There was nothing sexual about it. I just held on, held close, and we talked about random things in the summer heat. It kinda felt like “home”.
6/21/10
Little Not-So-Little Rejections
My heart hurts… and the more I think about the situation, the more it pains me. All the more I feel a bit of anger bubble up the more I consider it as well.
Maybe it’s selfish of me to think of such… or maybe it’s once again feeling shot down before having a chance to start.
Maybe it’s hearing for so long that he’d be willing to try certain things to see if he liked them and then on attempting he shuts down that annoys.
Looking back on last night the first thing that comes to mind is “Isn’t this complete and utter bullshit.” And then I’m expected to coddle his ego? And then he sulks after I tell him exactly what it is I want and for once am not so vague about it. And then has the nerve to say I “owe him” sex because apparently, I killed his erection and ruined his mood.
“I’m not a sub.”
I never asked him to be.
I wonder if he feels pressured or threatened by a forward woman… or if he feels threatened by ME being direct in a more dominant kind of way. Maybe it was that I pushed back in the moment and made it more my own… something I’d enjoy more… versus just letting him do whatever he wanted.
Maybe, it all came out as sort of psychological self-defense. I started out with no interest in sex whatsoever. It was really more of a playful and teasing mood to be honest. He was doing a terrible job of trying to seduce and was more clumsily rubbing his hands on me and trying to maneuver me around. In all honestly, it was more annoying than anything else. There was a bit of panic as he lifted me up and threw me onto his bed. He climbed over, said he washed his hands, and pulled off my pants as I asked only for him to slow down.
A few moments of just laying there… attempting meditation… and a snap in my mind. “Fuck this shit!”
Simple directions of “suck my clit”, “fuck me with your tongue”, “lick harder” “softer”, “higher” out of my lips with moans while holding the back of his head now and then. I thrust my hips against his face with a bit of grinding. Some simple praise of “good boy” was uttered. Twas making the moment my own with a bit of play so I could enjoy it.
“Feeling forceful?” he asked.
“You didn’t pause to ask if I wanted it. I just told you how to give it to me. Just showing you your place… Now, get back down there.”
With those words his erection was lost. His pouting began.
His eyes were red.
He spent the rest of the night huffing and fussing over minor things while I did my best to enjoy myself. He whimpered softly and sounded as if he was holding back tears in bed until I spooned him gently from behind and stroked his hair.
Part of me wonders if I brought back to his mind some of his old demons… or if it was just a tantrum.
Maybe it’s selfish of me to think of such… or maybe it’s once again feeling shot down before having a chance to start.
Maybe it’s hearing for so long that he’d be willing to try certain things to see if he liked them and then on attempting he shuts down that annoys.
Looking back on last night the first thing that comes to mind is “Isn’t this complete and utter bullshit.” And then I’m expected to coddle his ego? And then he sulks after I tell him exactly what it is I want and for once am not so vague about it. And then has the nerve to say I “owe him” sex because apparently, I killed his erection and ruined his mood.
“I’m not a sub.”
I never asked him to be.
I wonder if he feels pressured or threatened by a forward woman… or if he feels threatened by ME being direct in a more dominant kind of way. Maybe it was that I pushed back in the moment and made it more my own… something I’d enjoy more… versus just letting him do whatever he wanted.
Maybe, it all came out as sort of psychological self-defense. I started out with no interest in sex whatsoever. It was really more of a playful and teasing mood to be honest. He was doing a terrible job of trying to seduce and was more clumsily rubbing his hands on me and trying to maneuver me around. In all honestly, it was more annoying than anything else. There was a bit of panic as he lifted me up and threw me onto his bed. He climbed over, said he washed his hands, and pulled off my pants as I asked only for him to slow down.
A few moments of just laying there… attempting meditation… and a snap in my mind. “Fuck this shit!”
Simple directions of “suck my clit”, “fuck me with your tongue”, “lick harder” “softer”, “higher” out of my lips with moans while holding the back of his head now and then. I thrust my hips against his face with a bit of grinding. Some simple praise of “good boy” was uttered. Twas making the moment my own with a bit of play so I could enjoy it.
“Feeling forceful?” he asked.
“You didn’t pause to ask if I wanted it. I just told you how to give it to me. Just showing you your place… Now, get back down there.”
With those words his erection was lost. His pouting began.
His eyes were red.
He spent the rest of the night huffing and fussing over minor things while I did my best to enjoy myself. He whimpered softly and sounded as if he was holding back tears in bed until I spooned him gently from behind and stroked his hair.
Part of me wonders if I brought back to his mind some of his old demons… or if it was just a tantrum.
6/7/10
Sharing A New Piece of Me
I took a moment to look at myself from the side in a full length mirror and couldn’t help but blush. My backside is quite full and round, though I’d hesitate to say it was perfect for anal. It’s a great place for spanking and clawing, however. Of course there’s a bit of bias there considering I like my butt clawed and spanked.
The mouse and I have been talking about trying anal for some time now, with a few failed attempts. I think I designated this weekend for another try and was spurned on by my libido being in a sort of charged overdrive. Perhaps all I needed to do was plant the suggestion in his head and he would have pounced on the idea.
It started with some playful rolling around on a Saturday afternoon. Morning sex didn’t take him completely out of commission and I learned that I’m far too clumsy to lower myself onto him for anal. Perhaps I’m just delightfully awkward. Instead I got on all fours, directed for lube, and relaxed. “They” were right when they said that those are key… Communication helped too. I trust him… and even though I likely won’t feel the ripple of his foreskin sliding up and down in my ass any time soon, it was still a nice full feeling. He doesn’t like wearing condoms I consider it a must in this situation just because the idea of ass-to-mouth or ass-to-pussy squicks me to no end.
Perhaps, I’m a little proud of myself because I was able to take about 5 of his inches… and that’s around where his penis gets to be around 2 inches across. There was a bit of a sting but he was gentle. I think I might have been the one doing most of the moving. I do know that I was incredibly wet to the point of almost dripping again and that when I orgasmed I was a leg shaking shuddering babbling mess. I do know that he started to go flaccid but after a few slow shallow thrusts his erection returned almost instantly. I know that while he kept his cool – he was practically hanging on by a thread.
How I feel about our encounter? I’m not sure. I don’t regret it and I’m glad for that. I’m sure that in the future it’ll be just as fun even though it’s a little uncomfortable at first. How do I feel? I’m not sure.
As with all things…
Perhaps, I’ll have my thoughts together once more after a proper meal.
The mouse and I have been talking about trying anal for some time now, with a few failed attempts. I think I designated this weekend for another try and was spurned on by my libido being in a sort of charged overdrive. Perhaps all I needed to do was plant the suggestion in his head and he would have pounced on the idea.
It started with some playful rolling around on a Saturday afternoon. Morning sex didn’t take him completely out of commission and I learned that I’m far too clumsy to lower myself onto him for anal. Perhaps I’m just delightfully awkward. Instead I got on all fours, directed for lube, and relaxed. “They” were right when they said that those are key… Communication helped too. I trust him… and even though I likely won’t feel the ripple of his foreskin sliding up and down in my ass any time soon, it was still a nice full feeling. He doesn’t like wearing condoms I consider it a must in this situation just because the idea of ass-to-mouth or ass-to-pussy squicks me to no end.
Perhaps, I’m a little proud of myself because I was able to take about 5 of his inches… and that’s around where his penis gets to be around 2 inches across. There was a bit of a sting but he was gentle. I think I might have been the one doing most of the moving. I do know that I was incredibly wet to the point of almost dripping again and that when I orgasmed I was a leg shaking shuddering babbling mess. I do know that he started to go flaccid but after a few slow shallow thrusts his erection returned almost instantly. I know that while he kept his cool – he was practically hanging on by a thread.
How I feel about our encounter? I’m not sure. I don’t regret it and I’m glad for that. I’m sure that in the future it’ll be just as fun even though it’s a little uncomfortable at first. How do I feel? I’m not sure.
As with all things…
Perhaps, I’ll have my thoughts together once more after a proper meal.
6/4/10
Teach Me How To Take You
In honor of BAST I’ve decided to pick up a Feeldoe Slim for the mouse and I. (Rather, a matter of going “halves” on one.)
I’ve had my eyes on the Feeldoe for at least eight years now, and still haven’t gotten one. I’ve had my eyes on a Sybian for just as long but a Feeldoe feels far more realistic at this point in time.
The result “window shopping” is me squirming around at work terribly turned on and starting to soak through my pants.
I haven’t had much experience with topping a guy save an attempt with my former boyfriend. (He yelped a lot and wouldn’t let me near his butt again after I rubbed against him with the vibrating head of a strap-on. Now that I think of it, the toy was a bit big for me to take at that time as well. Now, I could likely take it like a pro.) We agreed on something “small” and from what I can tell, the Slim is as small as they get in this line. I may have started drooling a little when I thought of the double penetration prospects or the idea of bending him over in bondage tape and making him squeal.
At the same time, my mind also wandered to a femme mutual friend of ours who has been complaining of lack of good sex lately. The idea of having some fun with her using this particular toy is pretty appealing as well. (though I admit she intimidates my shy side a bit.) The only woman I’ve ever been with is living in my body. I have an idea of what to do – but it’s like a dance. You don’t learn to dance by simply watching or reading. One must practice, move, and teach their body to do the same. I know in theory what to do to pleasure a woman, but I’ve never been able to try. I’m not sure how patient someone would be with me either.
How dry does THAT sound?
So floating around my head right now are different scenes where these two more or less teach me how to pleasure them. I know I can wear my mouse out when I get in the mode, though I think my stamina for riding is perfectly pathetic. I blame my knees. My hands can work pretty well and I’m sure my mouth does pretty well on its own even though my tongue is a little on the short side.
For now there’s the fantasy. Then again, the weekend is still young. Who knows?
I’ve had my eyes on the Feeldoe for at least eight years now, and still haven’t gotten one. I’ve had my eyes on a Sybian for just as long but a Feeldoe feels far more realistic at this point in time.
The result “window shopping” is me squirming around at work terribly turned on and starting to soak through my pants.
I haven’t had much experience with topping a guy save an attempt with my former boyfriend. (He yelped a lot and wouldn’t let me near his butt again after I rubbed against him with the vibrating head of a strap-on. Now that I think of it, the toy was a bit big for me to take at that time as well. Now, I could likely take it like a pro.) We agreed on something “small” and from what I can tell, the Slim is as small as they get in this line. I may have started drooling a little when I thought of the double penetration prospects or the idea of bending him over in bondage tape and making him squeal.
At the same time, my mind also wandered to a femme mutual friend of ours who has been complaining of lack of good sex lately. The idea of having some fun with her using this particular toy is pretty appealing as well. (though I admit she intimidates my shy side a bit.) The only woman I’ve ever been with is living in my body. I have an idea of what to do – but it’s like a dance. You don’t learn to dance by simply watching or reading. One must practice, move, and teach their body to do the same. I know in theory what to do to pleasure a woman, but I’ve never been able to try. I’m not sure how patient someone would be with me either.
How dry does THAT sound?
So floating around my head right now are different scenes where these two more or less teach me how to pleasure them. I know I can wear my mouse out when I get in the mode, though I think my stamina for riding is perfectly pathetic. I blame my knees. My hands can work pretty well and I’m sure my mouth does pretty well on its own even though my tongue is a little on the short side.
For now there’s the fantasy. Then again, the weekend is still young. Who knows?
6/2/10
Fetliving, FetLife
There’s a part of me that I’ve been neglecting and this past weekend (though extremely tame) cemented that feeling. My sense of kink hasn’t been nurtured. It’s true, I’m still a little “scared” of encountering new people (though I warm up easier if there’s a familiar face or three about.) Just the presence of a few trusted persons am I able to let go and be.
I’ve always been a gentle domme switch who only submits only to certain people. There’s still a lot for me to learn and while I read just about anything I can get my hands on regarding BDSM, I don’t have many opportunities to explore that aspect of my personality. My style is slow, subtle seduction on the way to the bedroom (or whatever room). I love the twisting smoke of temptation. Perhaps, I also have a tendency to top from the bottom. I direct what I like and how I like it. (The mouse and I tend to be a bit fluid in this aspect, or at least claim to be. He still isn’t able to keep up with me and maybe there’s the rub.)
The spiritual side of me is in a bit of conflict with the part of me that is into hypnosis and erotic mind control. These are things that entice my interests but I also keep in mind the ethical aspects of it. I know hypnosis can’t force someone do something they don’t want to, however, it can plant suggestions in mind which can be harmful. Consent is also a major issue for me. While I have an interest in sex magick, I’d be reluctant to do any spells or rituals. Perhaps, it’s my belief that they work mostly with the power of intent as hypnosis does. Perhaps there’s no connection at all.
I’ve started browsing about Fetlife and the more I do, the more I consider that I might like to be in a more full time D/S relationship. Then again, it could be my issues with jealousy and possessiveness rearing heads. Considering the way my mate reacted to the idea of “strict” games, I don’t know how well it would turn out. Then again, it could have just been the nature of our relationship at the time.
I’ve always been a gentle domme switch who only submits only to certain people. There’s still a lot for me to learn and while I read just about anything I can get my hands on regarding BDSM, I don’t have many opportunities to explore that aspect of my personality. My style is slow, subtle seduction on the way to the bedroom (or whatever room). I love the twisting smoke of temptation. Perhaps, I also have a tendency to top from the bottom. I direct what I like and how I like it. (The mouse and I tend to be a bit fluid in this aspect, or at least claim to be. He still isn’t able to keep up with me and maybe there’s the rub.)
The spiritual side of me is in a bit of conflict with the part of me that is into hypnosis and erotic mind control. These are things that entice my interests but I also keep in mind the ethical aspects of it. I know hypnosis can’t force someone do something they don’t want to, however, it can plant suggestions in mind which can be harmful. Consent is also a major issue for me. While I have an interest in sex magick, I’d be reluctant to do any spells or rituals. Perhaps, it’s my belief that they work mostly with the power of intent as hypnosis does. Perhaps there’s no connection at all.
I’ve started browsing about Fetlife and the more I do, the more I consider that I might like to be in a more full time D/S relationship. Then again, it could be my issues with jealousy and possessiveness rearing heads. Considering the way my mate reacted to the idea of “strict” games, I don’t know how well it would turn out. Then again, it could have just been the nature of our relationship at the time.
5/27/10
To Those I Walk Amongst
To the young and openly queer of color living in the ghetto :
Thank you for being who you are. Thank you for being unashamed of your love, your light, and for not hiding it in the face of the world we live in.
Believe it or not – by simply being you’re helping bring light to this all too often cold world.
Whether you want to or not – you’re encouraging someone out there to do the same.
Thank you for being who you are. Thank you for being unashamed of your love, your light, and for not hiding it in the face of the world we live in.
Believe it or not – by simply being you’re helping bring light to this all too often cold world.
Whether you want to or not – you’re encouraging someone out there to do the same.
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