"Kind of like waiting for the phone to ring..."

Feeling, once again, terribly out of sorts... and I know it's because a certain someone is in town. I remember him saying he wanted to hang out. I remember him saying he wanted to go see a movie. Maybe I should just get it through my head that he's all talk. Or, maybe it is that he's too shy.

No... perhaps just all talk.

I'm still tired of doing more for anyone than they would in return. I'm a little burned out on pursuing and would like to be earnestly pursued by someone I'm into, for a change. There's a part of me that's very iffy now on seeing him at all... Maybe it's my inner snark... my internal cat turning up her nose.

I don't deny I'm a little upset about it, but if he doesn't come by, I save a couple dollars. I bought some lingerie but it's not like I would have gotten some use out of it anyway... not with him... not this week (as he hasn't gotten his testing done and sure I could just hop on with condoms on but I don't feel too comfortable doing so.) Maybe, I just want more passion in general. Maybe, I just want to make out with that person who was so able to light a spark in me.

I act as if I don't care, but I do. I would like to go out to lunch or dinner... I would like to go on a date... and I'm so terribly irritable now because of all of this that it's not funny.

I've got a hair appointment mostly because I need it, but also because I wanted to look my best. I wanted to look some mix of cute and sexy. I'm wearing makeup again for the first time in a while... and now I'm managed to eat the dried skin off my lips. I wash my hair tonight in tea and maybe I'll feel better come morning. Maybe I'll be calmer even though I won't see him today.

So, I'd like someone who'd come when I call. (or at least say outright that they aren't coming and why...) There isn't anything wrong with that. There isn't ANYTHING wrong with wanting someone to be upfront with you.... and I know I should at this point just leave him alone or call him out on being all talk. There's only so much "checking back" one can stand.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours."

- Mary Schmich

I need to keep reminding myself of that. I need to keep telling myself that. I don't think I've been reckless. (or at least... I don't think I've been...)

I think I confronted him on this once before... Mr L... He apologized and said he was and had been tired. This was years ago... but I still remember that... I don't expect much. Maybe, I never will expect much from him. But that's okay. There are likely other souls out there I'm more attuned to. There are other souls out there I could probably be closer to. The fact that there was even a glint of a past doesn't mean that there is a future.

I would like more friends, however. I would like to spend an hour just kissing... ONLY kissing...

What self help, goal making, guidebook could give me that? The matter is true mutual attraction... if there ever was. The matter is finding someone who can spark up that smoldering passion that continues to burn long after the touch is gone.

Nobody's perfect, and I don't trust anybody who acts as if their partner is... that acts like the focus of their affection is. We're all flawed. He could just as easily be listing down reasons to not see me as I wonder if I'll hear from him after all this talk.

His idea... I flirted with it... and it does seem all talk.

So, I'll go home and wash my hair... maybe feel much better in the morning and then I'll hit the salon. I know I have a long day ahead even though it might feel a bit lonesome. Everyday feels like that lately.

Tension and Flow

My spine feels tied in knots. It's more of an "energy" based tension than a physical one. It doesn't hurt... I just feel stuck. It's a rather unsettling feeling and at the same time I know it comes from that feeling of "something isn't right."

I could go back to saying it's tied to myself life. My period started a few days early this month after having sex with the mouse... unsatisfying, "ok have to get myself off if I want to orgasm" sex... meek, mild-mannered, "he's only now moving because he wants to hump, and to hurry up and finish" sex. Nonexistent passion again... and that annoys me. It just about sickens.

Again, remembering a bit how he's been with others. Enthusiasm and it honestly feels like he's just throwing a bone... holding back... pulling away...

It's not about orgasm, or lack of... it's about effort. I could get myself off a thousand times but it seems he doesn't even try... stopped wanting to try... gave up on trying...

Thinking of period sex... it's a rare thing. He's put off a bit by blood but it's not as if he hasn't done it before. It's not as if we haven't had sex while I'm menstruating before. It's not as if he can't wash up or shower afterwards.

And I ramble... rant... and feel a meltdown coming...

I need to breathe. That's what I need to remember to do... breathe.

I didn't stand for not feeling wanted with ANA, my former. I made it clear I didn't want that distance and ended it. Funny... before the mouse and I started dating we talked about this... about not feeling wanted or desired.

I don't think I started pulling away or retreating until he started being with other people. I don't think he started being this way until I started to pull away. There's a part of me that wants to scream "Thanks for fucking it up." but I know it's not that... he's being true to himself... and I know that I still flirt away even though ... even though...

Part of me wants to say "if only you weren't so picky... ", but picky isn't a bad thing. Being selective isn't a bad thing. If only I was better at picking...

Writing for myself... I wonder if it was ever a good idea to have this blog public... I still doubt there are people out there reading... and if they are, they certainly aren't saying so. If they are, they're just sucking in my words to pass their time... their day... their... whatever it is.

I don't want to turn this inward. That rawness put to word is like a negative affirmation. But, I still want to scream.

Breathe... I need to breathe...

Mr L. will be flying in at the end of this week. I think it's Friday. For all his words, I don't really believe anything will happen. I don't believe there will be a lunch, or dinner date. I don't believe there will be cuddling or more. Then again, I don't think he really WANTS more... or from me a more. (I've said before that a prerequisite for sex with me is getting testing done or at least verified status. I know the "condoms every time" script...) I mentioned this to him... he never made the time.

I've said before that people who can't make the time to get themselves checked up aren't worth mine. I don't want more scares. I don't want to take the risk. I don't want someone else’s lax outlook to end up hurting me.

I'm tired of people who don't care. I'm tired of being attracted to people who don't care.

I'm tired of putting forth the effort and energy for people who won't do the same for me.

Everything I Can't Have

A few months ago (perhaps around last Halloween) I invested in a dildo marketed as "The Werewolf". Without going into my bit of a werewolf fetish, I know the toy is a case of eyes bigger than my stomach... er... orifices. "He" has 10 inches of "usable" length and a two inch base. The head is 9 inches around. (compared to the deliciousness of the NJoy 11 - which is 5.5 inches at the side that fits easily and 6.5 at the one that doesn't).

That alone makes this toy one for "Fantasy Only".

I named "him", River. In fantasy, River is a towering, toned, dirty blonde were. In a way, "he" is also named for Mr. L and imbued with the things it's possible no mortal man could give me.

My fantasies are still fertile even though I feel stagnant. My dreams still exist even though I'm not able to act on all of them...

Perhaps, my tendency to think about what I want and don't have (or what I need and am not getting) is stronger than I believe. Then again, it could be like hunger - gnawing with urgency. The heart pains could be just like the hunger pangs faced.

A satisfying fantasy is still a fantasy.

Stress/Distress

I want to scream and curse and throw a tantrum. It's only Monday. It's ONLY Monday.

The weekend was a bit underwhelming and it's possibly as simple as me needing a nice long workout and a moment to make a mess with my art supplies. Either way, I'm very much aware that I'm stressed out. My hair, which admittedly I usually ignore, is an actual concern. Also is the roundness of my body.

It's possible I just need a nice cup of hot tea and a massage. It's possible I just need a horny, hot, charming guy that I trust who finds me equally charming, trustable, and hot to pounce on. A gal with those qualities would also suffice but I admit I'm very much about the dick today. (Then again, toys are fun and I still could use a feeldoe if only for sake of packing right now)

I'm at my worst when I haven't had enough sleep and when my hormones are floating all over the place. The world usually feels like it's about to end just before my uterus breaks forth with flow. I feel like I'm about to die - and then my period starts. My period has already started. I feel like I'm falling apart... and I didn't get much sleep last night.

Maybe, my need for pump or impact play is showing again. It's possible I want to go on a date or an exhibitionist adventure.

Maybe, I just need an adventure.

I remember telling the mouse once about how I have a slight kinky enjoyment for stairwells and libraries. The matter is having or doing in such a situation ever again. Perhaps, as Mr. L seems much more interested in spending time with me on a visit, I could try with someone new. Then comes a matter of just how brave or daring they would be.

Again, it could just boil down to me not having enough sexual satisfaction and a little too much of too little stamina. There's a silly little worry that my butt is getting in the way. Or it could just be I need more sleep, exercise, and water.

Something Like Solitare

I admit it... I feel terribly lonesome these days. There's a strange, almost stinging feeling passing through me and I know it's in part because of him. It's mostly because of him. It's mostly because of the way we are. And it's because of the way I choose to deal with things.

Typically, I visit the mouse on Thursdays and every other weekend to do whatever it is we do. On Thursdays, we usually head out a few miles to hang out with friends and I get a ride home. The weekends are an attempt to spend time with one another as we haven't been able to go on a proper "date" since he moved a year and a half ago. This week, not so much.

I think it all has just overloaded my limits lately. Too many people too quickly... Too many "new" people too quickly... in my eyes at least. He'd argue that none of them really are that new. That they've been around for a while... but still very new in terms of sexual relationships it is. There haven't been that many encounters but it's been enough... A few times in a week.

Yes, I'm a bit upset over that still.

It's possible I've never gone back to trusting him completely since an event he called bad judgment. It's possible I'm less and less inclined to want to be sexually intimate with him considering I still don't want to share him... that it actually hurts if I'm not there and involved... that I'm more likely to be repelled. Let's not forget the fact that it's been mostly unsatisfying.

Maybe I'm the one who's become emotionally distant just for the sake of trying to save my own heart. I think that might be the case. I feel ill thinking of it all.

For "all" the relationships I'm in, I'm still starving. In terms of touch, affection, longing, adoration, stimulation... I'm emaciated.

I'm feeling alone.

We're talking and it comes up that he dreads telling me about how his encounters have gone... that the happier he is with them, the more negative the effect it has on me. He dreads it, and I feel ill. I told him about how I have felt unsatisfied sexually, and how it hurts a little when he goes off just because it feels as if he doesn't want to try, or has found it tiresome. I don't think he understands that part...

I've called myself insatiable. I don't think that's changed. If I get in the mood or flow I can just keep going for a while. I don't stop unless I am stopped. I've been stopped far too much, maybe, and long before I've reached satisfaction. He's checked out before then. There's the part of me that wants to give up completely... throw in the towel and just move on... call the sexual relationship between him and I a complete bust. I honestly do not know what to do anymore.

I don't know what to do anymore...

Heart hurts thinking of being near him... maybe I'm already shattered... maybe a long time broken but just trying to hide the cracks.

Begging Is A Soft Limit

A few songs have been floating about my mind the past couple days with all that's gone on... they all have a sentiment of "Ain't too proud to beg." either implicitly or explicitly. Maybe it's just the things that have been going on that are pushing that in mind.

Head is currently floating in a cloud of Palo Santo and Vitex. The Palo Santo was spilled and now I have a headache. I'm also not able to think very straight but in this cloud of wood and sacred berries, there are still so many things that I want to get out. There are so many thoughts that are meshing together that I want to both record before they drift away, and release before I explode.

Perhaps I'm just too easily distracted. Perhaps, I'm too much of a "girl" at heart.

It has been an interesting few days to say the least. It could just be that I'm not happy with the way it goes.

A mutual friend of ours came over to visit again, the couple mentioned before. Their afternoon visit turned into a three day one. I ended up staying out of work as well in a rather irresponsible way. Perhaps it was in part because I didn't get much sleep those nights, or perhaps just not wanting to leave them alone and "unwatched". I was told later by one of the mouse's house mates that all of this "sexy nonsense" started when I'd gone to bed on New Year's night. And so I here and sit and seethe a bit... And so I am...

That first night while we laid in our own respective beds, after a few laughs, him telling me quietly that he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me - the couple eased their way over to where we laid. It was comfortably innocent at that point even though I was topless in the dark for the sake of staying cool. I really wasn't looking for anything of a sexual nature to happen. There was a lot of rolling around to get comfortable. We joked... and then the M of the couple (I guess I could introduce him as YC and her as RC...) dove into his lady's pants and proceeded to start fingering her. She whined and fussed a bit. He fondled and she "melted".

(And there's a part of me that screams "no" on how THAT happened, but every couple has their own dynamic...)

I lightly rubbed at the mouse and he seemed to get sucked into the scene, watching. I sat at the edge of the bed and before my eyes he took to making out with her. I don't know if he asked. I don't know if she leaned in and he just took the chance. I'm not sure what happened at that end of the bed in their hushed tones but he was making out with her while she was now being rather furiously fingerfucked.

Mixed feelings on this. On the outside it's a "beautiful scene" but I had a bit of a conflict there. Perhaps, it's my own selfish way of wanting to be more involved. It could just be me not wanting to share his body. I didn't want to share him. I still don't like sharing him... in the manner of not getting attention at the same time and only acting.

So, I ruined his orgasm.

He didn't say as much, just that he hurt and was still horny in the morning. "At least it's still mine." my logic says. Not very nice, but I did it. I pressed my thumb down good and hard just as I felt it start to bubble up in him. I think I timed it just in time. I felt his cock twitch as it tried to spurt and held it fast as it throbbed. Maybe it cried as he did... a hiss almost. My own subtle "revenge" that was not. When I lifted my thumb and let go, it all came down with a pathetic dribble. And I thought it delicious. A few rubs were given and he commented that it hurt. (I feel my mean streak come up with post-ruined-orgasm-cock-torture ... disguised under what looks like a loving lick, stroke, or squeeze...)

Even so, I'm not very good with sharing. I climbed out of bed after the others fell asleep and made my way to the living room to sit and try to think. That turned to sitting, thinking, and gulping back a few tears. That turned to waving a hand backward in the dark as one of the other housemates came out and found me there. I think I consider this good friend of mine a wonderful support. Then again, I try to give them the same. He and I have the same kind of lingering jealousy and possessiveness, while at the same time wanting the partner to enjoy themselves... at the same time wanting other things and to explore. Just the hug, a few laughs, and cuddles made things a bit better. (Though I didn't care too much for the liquor.)

I stole away another moment with the mouse saying simply in his ear that we didn't have enough private time. I drained an orgasm out of him and then the rest of the evening, even the next group session, seemed more of a blur. I do remember talking with him and reminding him that I don't like being left alone. I let him know what upset me and why. We "made up".

And then was the group session. YC went down on RC. I politely asked with a "may I" approaching her breasts and she said yes. (Hers are bigger and larger nipples but I consider mine superior because they aren't like balloons and I have nicer and more visible areole. It's okay to be vain!) The mouse made out with her a bit more and I stroked him. That girl was more or less the center of attention. And all the while I sat in action thinking "Do EITHER of them really know what they're doing." Maybe more of my vanity, but she seemed to yelp, sigh, and moan when I did whatever it was I did.

A bit of genital massage without insertion was given to her. She’s got a cute, fat, pussy with an almost invisible clit. Maybe I'm just a little biased from knowing what my own looks like. Then some clit massage. Then she got a bit shaky and orgasmed. The mouse said it was really hot to see.

From there I deep throated him a bit. He got hard again and we went back and forth between me riding him and him humping me just for the pleasurable feeling. Meanwhile RC and YC went through a couple condoms trying for a "proper" round. YC orgasmed rather quickly and he said it was more a matter of all the mental stimulation he'd been getting by watching and tending to her.

I was okay with all of this.

The bad mood came the next day when the mouse started on RC again... diving a finger in and making out. I'd started the morning with a sly lick and a smile. He departed. Then to her. I consider that rather foul. Tried to think of it as "oh he's just a little dense... or just dosesn't get it". Foul... just plain foul...

I clawed at his backside a bit and then hovered over with a "hey", finally requesting he go down on me. It seemed to be out of duty. The scene, again, could have been rather hot to the outside eye but I was still a tempest. I'm still a bit of a tempest. So I left the room. I took a shower, and apparently it was enough of a stir and myself so transparent that they all wondered if I was mad at them.

I hated the feeling of having to push my way in for attention. Yes, I know, it's all new. But honestly, I felt like a heel.

The mouse and I half argued later and he said he felt sorry... that he could see I was upset. I asked him not to dick her but hey... it's only a matter of time. They're visiting him again tomorrow. I'm going over today just for some hanging out with the general house... and still... I wonder how that will turn out.

He says he's waiting for me because of all the things I said. Yet, I don't know if I'll be willing or comfortable at this point. Things still don't feel right. Maybe, I just want a bigger fraction of the focus given... something close to what I show.

Or maybe I've been this way all along... and just never knew how to say or show otherwise.

Delightful oil addled ramble, isn't it?

"But are you happy?"

A new year, and as before I feel the urge to scream.

The year ended with a rather boring threesome once more... or maybe just boring to me because I was doing the pleasuring/serving and nothing was coming back or being done to me... Sure, there was a very brief moment where they both sucked on my nipples but it seemed a bit of a lazy way or a way for our friend the lactophile to get over the edge. Within a minute or two and a soft sultry "that's it" from me... and they were done. That was all there was to it. The sex over the past two days has been rather unsatisfying for me and even though I had a total of one orgasm via oral sex... that wasn't cutting it. The strokes aren't cutting it. The actions aren't. Then I wonder if it really is a matter of attraction or lack thereof.

I'm a little upset with the mouse... maybe a slow boiling rage as people have been invited over tonight and they seem interested in a foursome. I really don't, right now. He's been flirting with them both all day and I am admittedly not in the mood. I said as much. We don't have to do anything? I don't want to share. I don't feel any sexual attraction or sexual tension. Really, I don't think I'd be happy with myself if I did anything with them. A flirt, maybe. Maybe little more than that.

This weekend was originally supposed to be about the two of us. We talked a bit about how things will never really be the same again. And here I am feeling a tad angry. A bit miserable. I rode him and it barely felt good... I rode him and I noticed how he came to a peak. I was able to bring him there but I... but I am mostly annoyed. Getting into a rhythm I liked - how quickly it was lost. How swift whatever pleasure was there was lost. And then he collapsed onto his side.

There's a part of me that's still wondering of Mr. L. The love is there but perhaps it is that I'm just bristling. The lust is there with Mr. L but it is nowhere near love. L is linked to longing. It's a curious thing. Then I wonder if I'd get just as bored with him.

It's possible that I just don't connect with others very well in general. It's possible that this is all a result of me feeling on the outside. I'm upset. I don't deny it. And I don't doubt that if the couple invited over does start fooling around with the mouse by default and I'm on the outside - that I'll be rather pissed. I don't doubt that I'd get up and leave the room and sleep on the couch. I don't doubt that I wouldn't want to talk to them again for a while - not that I am now.

Yes, I'm upset.

It's interesting all this talk made of a foursome and they're all just seemingly deferring to him. That now when I bring it up that the conversation dies. Am I that strange? That awkward?

There are, after all, a lot of things under the surface. He's in a rush. The mouse has an attitude of "must do it now or never again." I have my curiosity but the way this is all playing out - I'm not looking forward to it. I'm not even as attracted to the idea.

Jealousy? Maybe. Lack of attraction? Perhaps. There are likely a lot of things going on under the skin.

So, it comes down to, "No, I'm not happy... not one bit..."