Opening Up

The mouse and I have been having a lot of issues lately and it all centers around his "polyamory that isn't polyamory." Or at least that's what he calls it. I say it's not wanting to settle down... or not wanting to be stuck with one person... or maybe just it being completely natural to have sexual relations with people he cares about. Maybe it's part of his past showing itself now. I don't think he ever saw a professional psychiatrist for his issues. Maybe it's just him trying to reclaim his sexuality or express what he thinks his entails. I'm certainly not one to talk. I think the very first entry of this blog I wrote that I'd do very "filthy and kinky" things to some of my closest friends if they'd let me. I've had sexual trauma but I wouldn't say that's the reason. I just like sensation.

There have been a lot of issues and fights lately because he wants more than just a threesome on occasion. I wouldn't mind a threesome now and then... or even a foursome. I've operated mostly on the wavelength of "play together or not at all." It still makes me feel a bit sick to my stomach and it's possible that there's a part of me that's just "dealing" with it by gradually locking him out of my heart... by letting go and letting him do his thing as I start to go off and do my own. Serial monogamy doesn't suit me well even though it seems I do just that. Or maybe I've been expressing a sexless sort of poly all this time. I still talk and flirt with my ex in the form of loose talk. I've always talked sex. I live, eat, and breathe the stuff. Bad sex equals and unhappy me and I thrive on fantasy. I haven't been with anybody else but him, however. The last open relationship I had was at its tail end and was falling apart.
I don't want THIS relationship to fall apart. I'm trying to keep the lines of communication open even though he sometimes seems to take it so personally.
Mercury in retrograde. We're actually having clearer conversations.

I worry a little that we're falling apart and this will be the nail in the coffin. They say that jealousy comes from insecurity. I've had so much of that lately. I've had so much fear and worry and tinges of broken trust. I've felt betrayed because of some of his actions being taken thoughtlessly. But I'm not staying with him for sex. Far from it. The sex could very well be better elsewhere. It could be kinkier and wetter and overall better executed. There could be someone out there who can push all of my buttons in ways he's only succeeded to graze.

I still have buttons and limits that I'd like to push and explore. For him, it's mostly about being close to friends and doing the things that I don't care for very much (like rimming... though he does make delightful moans when I do.)

There's a brightness to his tone and words when I talk about the hypothetical me with other people. I don't think I'd be having sex with anybody else. True, I'm a bit for play and flirting... There's the gang bang fantasy that I probably wouldn't pursue because I'm a germaphobe and do not want to worry about what diseases other people might be carrying. (Let's not forget my gigantic trust issues.) For him to be outside terrifies me... but I trust he'd at least tell me first...
I trust that he'd keep it limited to a small circle. We did make some general rules/terms. I figured they were pretty clear. The basic was being safe and not being with anybody who wasn't tested... and condoms if. My trust issues have concerns on their levels of full disclosure. I'd still refrain from intercourse with others... I told him that I'd be up to using condoms at my discretion for my own piece of mind and general comfort. He agreed to thinking it reasonable to test every few months. I guess it's just up to picking some sort of schedule.

There's a brightness to his tone when I bring it up... a sort of "see, you can have fun too." But, I'm not going out looking for fun. Maybe it's just me trying to breathe. Maybe it's just trying to survive with my heart in tact...

That wouldn't be a very healthy way of coping... it wouldn't be a healthy way of keeping the relationship going.

He says simply that he's okay as long as I'm "safe". (though his safe is a bit more loose than mine... hence the divide and a bit of his sulking over having to use condoms if he does have sex with the "unapproved by girlfriend."... But he understands he says.) He says he's okay as long as I love him most. That's one of the ones you can't really dictate. You can't quantify love. Do I love anybody else more than him? Yes. Myself. I'm selfish and my happiness means a great deal to me. I do most things with that in mind.

It's all a new situation... I based my rules for him more on being fully informed of the who, and when before hand. I don't care so much in terms of the what as long as it's safe. I don't care as long as it's not someone he lives with. My rules are more things that foster dialogue and union than anything else.

I don't want to be left out.
It boils out to that.

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