I want to scream and curse and throw a tantrum. It's only Monday. It's ONLY Monday.

The weekend was a bit underwhelming and it's possibly as simple as me needing a nice long workout and a moment to make a mess with my art supplies. Either way, I'm very much aware that I'm stressed out. My hair, which admittedly I usually ignore, is an actual concern. Also is the roundness of my body.

It's possible I just need a nice cup of hot tea and a massage. It's possible I just need a horny, hot, charming guy that I trust who finds me equally charming, trustable, and hot to pounce on. A gal with those qualities would also suffice but I admit I'm very much about the dick today. (Then again, toys are fun and I still could use a feeldoe if only for sake of packing right now)

I'm at my worst when I haven't had enough sleep and when my hormones are floating all over the place. The world usually feels like it's about to end just before my uterus breaks forth with flow. I feel like I'm about to die - and then my period starts. My period has already started. I feel like I'm falling apart... and I didn't get much sleep last night.

Maybe, my need for pump or impact play is showing again. It's possible I want to go on a date or an exhibitionist adventure.

Maybe, I just need an adventure.

I remember telling the mouse once about how I have a slight kinky enjoyment for stairwells and libraries. The matter is having or doing in such a situation ever again. Perhaps, as Mr. L seems much more interested in spending time with me on a visit, I could try with someone new. Then comes a matter of just how brave or daring they would be.

Again, it could just boil down to me not having enough sexual satisfaction and a little too much of too little stamina. There's a silly little worry that my butt is getting in the way. Or it could just be I need more sleep, exercise, and water.


Something Like Solitare

I admit it... I feel terribly lonesome these days. There's a strange, almost stinging feeling passing through me and I know it's in part because of him. It's mostly because of him. It's mostly because of the way we are. And it's because of the way I choose to deal with things.

Typically, I visit the mouse on Thursdays and every other weekend to do whatever it is we do. On Thursdays, we usually head out a few miles to hang out with friends and I get a ride home. The weekends are an attempt to spend time with one another as we haven't been able to go on a proper "date" since he moved a year and a half ago. This week, not so much.

I think it all has just overloaded my limits lately. Too many people too quickly... Too many "new" people too quickly... in my eyes at least. He'd argue that none of them really are that new. That they've been around for a while... but still very new in terms of sexual relationships it is. There haven't been that many encounters but it's been enough... A few times in a week.

Yes, I'm a bit upset over that still.

It's possible I've never gone back to trusting him completely since an event he called bad judgment. It's possible I'm less and less inclined to want to be sexually intimate with him considering I still don't want to share him... that it actually hurts if I'm not there and involved... that I'm more likely to be repelled. Let's not forget the fact that it's been mostly unsatisfying.

Maybe I'm the one who's become emotionally distant just for the sake of trying to save my own heart. I think that might be the case. I feel ill thinking of it all.

For "all" the relationships I'm in, I'm still starving. In terms of touch, affection, longing, adoration, stimulation... I'm emaciated.

I'm feeling alone.

We're talking and it comes up that he dreads telling me about how his encounters have gone... that the happier he is with them, the more negative the effect it has on me. He dreads it, and I feel ill. I told him about how I have felt unsatisfied sexually, and how it hurts a little when he goes off just because it feels as if he doesn't want to try, or has found it tiresome. I don't think he understands that part...

I've called myself insatiable. I don't think that's changed. If I get in the mood or flow I can just keep going for a while. I don't stop unless I am stopped. I've been stopped far too much, maybe, and long before I've reached satisfaction. He's checked out before then. There's the part of me that wants to give up completely... throw in the towel and just move on... call the sexual relationship between him and I a complete bust. I honestly do not know what to do anymore.

I don't know what to do anymore...

Heart hurts thinking of being near him... maybe I'm already shattered... maybe a long time broken but just trying to hide the cracks.


Begging Is A Soft Limit

A few songs have been floating about my mind the past couple days with all that's gone on... they all have a sentiment of "Ain't too proud to beg." either implicitly or explicitly. Maybe it's just the things that have been going on that are pushing that in mind.

Head is currently floating in a cloud of Palo Santo and Vitex. The Palo Santo was spilled and now I have a headache. I'm also not able to think very straight but in this cloud of wood and sacred berries, there are still so many things that I want to get out. There are so many thoughts that are meshing together that I want to both record before they drift away, and release before I explode.

Perhaps I'm just too easily distracted. Perhaps, I'm too much of a "girl" at heart.

It has been an interesting few days to say the least. It could just be that I'm not happy with the way it goes.

A mutual friend of ours came over to visit again, the couple mentioned before. Their afternoon visit turned into a three day one. I ended up staying out of work as well in a rather irresponsible way. Perhaps it was in part because I didn't get much sleep those nights, or perhaps just not wanting to leave them alone and "unwatched". I was told later by one of the mouse's house mates that all of this "sexy nonsense" started when I'd gone to bed on New Year's night. And so I here and sit and seethe a bit... And so I am...

That first night while we laid in our own respective beds, after a few laughs, him telling me quietly that he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me - the couple eased their way over to where we laid. It was comfortably innocent at that point even though I was topless in the dark for the sake of staying cool. I really wasn't looking for anything of a sexual nature to happen. There was a lot of rolling around to get comfortable. We joked... and then the M of the couple (I guess I could introduce him as YC and her as RC...) dove into his lady's pants and proceeded to start fingering her. She whined and fussed a bit. He fondled and she "melted".

(And there's a part of me that screams "no" on how THAT happened, but every couple has their own dynamic...)

I lightly rubbed at the mouse and he seemed to get sucked into the scene, watching. I sat at the edge of the bed and before my eyes he took to making out with her. I don't know if he asked. I don't know if she leaned in and he just took the chance. I'm not sure what happened at that end of the bed in their hushed tones but he was making out with her while she was now being rather furiously fingerfucked.

Mixed feelings on this. On the outside it's a "beautiful scene" but I had a bit of a conflict there. Perhaps, it's my own selfish way of wanting to be more involved. It could just be me not wanting to share his body. I didn't want to share him. I still don't like sharing him... in the manner of not getting attention at the same time and only acting.

So, I ruined his orgasm.

He didn't say as much, just that he hurt and was still horny in the morning. "At least it's still mine." my logic says. Not very nice, but I did it. I pressed my thumb down good and hard just as I felt it start to bubble up in him. I think I timed it just in time. I felt his cock twitch as it tried to spurt and held it fast as it throbbed. Maybe it cried as he did... a hiss almost. My own subtle "revenge" that was not. When I lifted my thumb and let go, it all came down with a pathetic dribble. And I thought it delicious. A few rubs were given and he commented that it hurt. (I feel my mean streak come up with post-ruined-orgasm-cock-torture ... disguised under what looks like a loving lick, stroke, or squeeze...)

Even so, I'm not very good with sharing. I climbed out of bed after the others fell asleep and made my way to the living room to sit and try to think. That turned to sitting, thinking, and gulping back a few tears. That turned to waving a hand backward in the dark as one of the other housemates came out and found me there. I think I consider this good friend of mine a wonderful support. Then again, I try to give them the same. He and I have the same kind of lingering jealousy and possessiveness, while at the same time wanting the partner to enjoy themselves... at the same time wanting other things and to explore. Just the hug, a few laughs, and cuddles made things a bit better. (Though I didn't care too much for the liquor.)

I stole away another moment with the mouse saying simply in his ear that we didn't have enough private time. I drained an orgasm out of him and then the rest of the evening, even the next group session, seemed more of a blur. I do remember talking with him and reminding him that I don't like being left alone. I let him know what upset me and why. We "made up".

And then was the group session. YC went down on RC. I politely asked with a "may I" approaching her breasts and she said yes. (Hers are bigger and larger nipples but I consider mine superior because they aren't like balloons and I have nicer and more visible areole. It's okay to be vain!) The mouse made out with her a bit more and I stroked him. That girl was more or less the center of attention. And all the while I sat in action thinking "Do EITHER of them really know what they're doing." Maybe more of my vanity, but she seemed to yelp, sigh, and moan when I did whatever it was I did.

A bit of genital massage without insertion was given to her. She’s got a cute, fat, pussy with an almost invisible clit. Maybe I'm just a little biased from knowing what my own looks like. Then some clit massage. Then she got a bit shaky and orgasmed. The mouse said it was really hot to see.

From there I deep throated him a bit. He got hard again and we went back and forth between me riding him and him humping me just for the pleasurable feeling. Meanwhile RC and YC went through a couple condoms trying for a "proper" round. YC orgasmed rather quickly and he said it was more a matter of all the mental stimulation he'd been getting by watching and tending to her.

I was okay with all of this.

The bad mood came the next day when the mouse started on RC again... diving a finger in and making out. I'd started the morning with a sly lick and a smile. He departed. Then to her. I consider that rather foul. Tried to think of it as "oh he's just a little dense... or just dosesn't get it". Foul... just plain foul...

I clawed at his backside a bit and then hovered over with a "hey", finally requesting he go down on me. It seemed to be out of duty. The scene, again, could have been rather hot to the outside eye but I was still a tempest. I'm still a bit of a tempest. So I left the room. I took a shower, and apparently it was enough of a stir and myself so transparent that they all wondered if I was mad at them.

I hated the feeling of having to push my way in for attention. Yes, I know, it's all new. But honestly, I felt like a heel.

The mouse and I half argued later and he said he felt sorry... that he could see I was upset. I asked him not to dick her but hey... it's only a matter of time. They're visiting him again tomorrow. I'm going over today just for some hanging out with the general house... and still... I wonder how that will turn out.

He says he's waiting for me because of all the things I said. Yet, I don't know if I'll be willing or comfortable at this point. Things still don't feel right. Maybe, I just want a bigger fraction of the focus given... something close to what I show.

Or maybe I've been this way all along... and just never knew how to say or show otherwise.

Delightful oil addled ramble, isn't it?


"But are you happy?"

A new year, and as before I feel the urge to scream.

The year ended with a rather boring threesome once more... or maybe just boring to me because I was doing the pleasuring/serving and nothing was coming back or being done to me... Sure, there was a very brief moment where they both sucked on my nipples but it seemed a bit of a lazy way or a way for our friend the lactophile to get over the edge. Within a minute or two and a soft sultry "that's it" from me... and they were done. That was all there was to it. The sex over the past two days has been rather unsatisfying for me and even though I had a total of one orgasm via oral sex... that wasn't cutting it. The strokes aren't cutting it. The actions aren't. Then I wonder if it really is a matter of attraction or lack thereof.

I'm a little upset with the mouse... maybe a slow boiling rage as people have been invited over tonight and they seem interested in a foursome. I really don't, right now. He's been flirting with them both all day and I am admittedly not in the mood. I said as much. We don't have to do anything? I don't want to share. I don't feel any sexual attraction or sexual tension. Really, I don't think I'd be happy with myself if I did anything with them. A flirt, maybe. Maybe little more than that.

This weekend was originally supposed to be about the two of us. We talked a bit about how things will never really be the same again. And here I am feeling a tad angry. A bit miserable. I rode him and it barely felt good... I rode him and I noticed how he came to a peak. I was able to bring him there but I... but I am mostly annoyed. Getting into a rhythm I liked - how quickly it was lost. How swift whatever pleasure was there was lost. And then he collapsed onto his side.

There's a part of me that's still wondering of Mr. L. The love is there but perhaps it is that I'm just bristling. The lust is there with Mr. L but it is nowhere near love. L is linked to longing. It's a curious thing. Then I wonder if I'd get just as bored with him.

It's possible that I just don't connect with others very well in general. It's possible that this is all a result of me feeling on the outside. I'm upset. I don't deny it. And I don't doubt that if the couple invited over does start fooling around with the mouse by default and I'm on the outside - that I'll be rather pissed. I don't doubt that I'd get up and leave the room and sleep on the couch. I don't doubt that I wouldn't want to talk to them again for a while - not that I am now.

Yes, I'm upset.

It's interesting all this talk made of a foursome and they're all just seemingly deferring to him. That now when I bring it up that the conversation dies. Am I that strange? That awkward?

There are, after all, a lot of things under the surface. He's in a rush. The mouse has an attitude of "must do it now or never again." I have my curiosity but the way this is all playing out - I'm not looking forward to it. I'm not even as attracted to the idea.

Jealousy? Maybe. Lack of attraction? Perhaps. There are likely a lot of things going on under the skin.

So, it comes down to, "No, I'm not happy... not one bit..."