Believing in Desire

I was late for work this morning... or at least later than I'd originally planned on being there. (I was still on time in terms to the schedule though.) I went in smelling like sex and sweat. The reason being that I had an absolutely delicious masturbation session before leaving the house. Even now, my legs still feel a little bit like jello.

I have a mix of emotions but amongst them is still that lingering want... I've told myself I don't need to buy anymore sex toys for a while. My hands do a pretty good job of stimulating me. I have a collection that doesn't get nearly as much use as it could. (And they certainly do /the trick/ when I have enough time and privacy to enjoy the sensations.)  Something I must learn is how to live in that pleasure and accept it.

I must learn to believe in my pleasure and allow myself to have it. It's easier said than done. Sure, a lot of us could be said to be allowing ourselves pleasure, but that doesn't mean we're doing so to the fullest. I want to do so to the fullest. I want to float in that sea of bliss and in it become one with the universe. My path to enlightenment might live in my sacral chakra for now... for now at least. Then again, I just might be fixated because I have an addictive personality and love to feel things intensely.

I need to trust were my heart is trying to tell me to go. I need to trust my instincts. Without them, where will I be? Where will I go? I want to live each moment but without regrets. I want to enjoy life, love, and fucking as much as possible. (Also, love-making, and just plain PLEASURE!) I need to trust my voice and use it.

I need to use my voice.

Something I know I must learn is how to let go. That's probably a hard part. I'm here still coming to terms with me crushing on someone who would at this point in time be a long distance thing. There is no THING. There's my attraction. There's his attraction. But there is no THING between us as much as we flirt when together. I need to let go of the notion that there will be more... rather the hope or expectation. While I wouldn't mind being with someone like him... to be with him would be bad for both of us right now. To be with HIM right now would be painful for me right now. To do such a thing would be detrimental to the friend's circle. But I can be selfish and want to play, can't I?

Thinking back, I think the feelings for Mr L faded when he turned out to be all talk. He still speaks now and then and in our last conversation after I said with a joke that I was feeling horny, that he'd be willing to play along. I expect nothing from him even though he says things like "come down to AC and spend a weekend in the room." We can discuss but there is very little compatibility besides a physical attraction. With this crush, there's a mutual respect even though we likely wouldn't be good together... not monogamously anyway. He wants freedom and I want a harem.

They want freedom and I want a loyal harem.

It feels almost hypocritical to type such a thing, but I do. Is it some kind of psychological outgrowth of wanting to be accepted by people in general? Maybe. Maybe I just want the multiple flirts, variety, and gangbangs... Lots... of... gangbangs... Also, cuddling. I can cuddle with some better than others. While the mouse is a comfortable cuddle and warm, there's no feeling of security or safety there. Calm, but not protected or safe... or if safe - only by my own doing.

Thinking back, I don't want to be all talk. I'm telling people such of what I want - but I won't be bullied into their timelines anymore. That isn't fair to anyone. At the same time, I need to try not to put that pressure on others. This crush might be me trying to put pressure of reciprocation out there... then again, he can be a little hard to read sometimes.

I need to trust that the people who I care about or would pursue anything with, would come to me and voice their want fully. Then again, we all have our reasons to /not/ do something. He told me he's always seen me as "belonging to the mouse"... or maybe just off limits. I'm letting those limits open up but just in a very controlled way.

I don't care how hot you are - I don't hook up. Not on a first meeting. Maybe not in the first month.

As much as I keep rolling my words over I just know I need trust... belief.... without those things there is little else for me.


"Is that why they call it a crush?"

My heart is hurting... and it annoys me... TERRIBLY. I know I'm alive. This is coming with the territory, I guess.

Somehow, I feel so terribly lonesome, and my mind keeps flashing back to the expression he had on his face after the quick kiss. I miss the excitement of a fresh kiss. I can feel those of the mouse coming... they're warm but not exciting. I wonder if I'm seen of as boring once I've been had. I wonder if I'm simply bored with the average male...

Somehow, I feel so terribly lonesome, and my mind flows back to him being putty in my hands. For just the moment I could feel him relax, even though I could also feel the bones in his frame and some hint of musculature. He asked if I was trying to seduce him. I let out a playful "maybe, what do you think?." A gentle bonk to his head was given after he gave me a look... "If there's anywhere else you'd like me to rub down, just let me know."...

He did say he felt better, and that's something that counts to me. The pleasure of the person getting the massage matters to me. Then again, I go into a bit of a trance sometimes when giving. I long to be under capable hands...

And then my mind flows back to his hand across the small of my back... nestled against his neck while in his lap. (as well as the shifted erection beneath my thigh...) I remember the few times I backed into his lap playfully... and the time he bit my breast.  Sharp... through clothes... but delicious...

Maybe, he makes me wonder. Maybe, I feel like I missed an opportunity.

It's possible also that I missed his signs... or knowingly rejected them remembering the ex is still someone I consider a friend. He's still someone I would like to lean on... and I hate the thought of this getting in the way of said friendship. "Would you like to get a room?" From a simple closed mouth kiss on the lips. Something that could be considered so innocent... I can't help but wonder if it excited him. "Are you trying to seduce me?" and the "aw" that came out of him afterwards.

Just like that, one misses their privacy and their window. Perhaps, it was all taken for granted when it was there... or not really.

I really do need my own space. Then again, I do know we have very little in common save a degree of attraction and flirting. There's a friendship. There's a respect. We wouldn't go well together as a couple - but it would be a pretty wild ride in the bedroom.

My jealousy and possessiveness (and obsession with doing things safely) might get in the way of that. Time will tell..



I'm far too possessive of people I have no business being possessive over. This is boils down to.

The weekend was/is a bit of a blur save wanting to make out a lot and have lots of sex. I had none of the sort. Sure, on arrival at the function, the mouse and I were able to slip away and he let loose with a bit of back scratching, growling, and finishing before I even fully began.  All the moment did was make me even more sexually frustrated than I began.

I admit, I wanted lots of sex and one on one time. I wanted lots of touch and cuddles. What did I get?

I got a drunk friend, the lactophile, slipping a little tongue with a kiss on the lips. (he never kisses to begin with... )  I got another friend who I playfully called for "debauchery" with, that ended up getting a closed mouth grandma kiss.  I got to give someone a massage and then made to feel bad about it.  I got limits, loneliness, stress, and tears discovered while I tried to retreat unseen.  I got the mouse feeling "weird" when I tried to verbally joke about lowering inhibitions... (the joke being that I HATE that kind of behavior...  booze fueled "intimacies"... I'm a consent junkie after all.)

I remember telling the mouse that I wanted to at least try to be more sensual... learn to flirt properly... and then pointed out that people at least take him seriously. Many times it feels like I'm viewed as a sort of comic relief, cute,  adult-child. For however playful, or puppyish I get, I feel like my sensuality isn't even noticed... and so I just eat it up when it's complimented or I'm able to harness it.

In all honesty, being with the mouse hasn't helped my sexual side even if I've discovered more about it. I haven't been able to act completely or develop it.

So, it hits me now... I think I've got a crush... a bad one... I haven't had one in ages. (or at least since Mr L.) Maybe it's just the attraction to this person and their qualities, maybe it's just that they have a body type that's pleasing to my eyes.

And maybe I've an inclination to become a fallback girl ... even though I don't want to be.

Or, it could be that for as attracted as I am to him, he won't be as emotionally available as I'd like... remembering his ex... yes, I know his former partner that seems to be an on again off again thing... Given I was never looking to "hook up." I don't think I'd be happy in the long run with him, but for the matter of something purely physical...

I don't think I can do a purely physical hookup.  I don't think I can do a one night stand.  But, playful flirting I can do, yes (as long as I'm getting some touch and flirt love in return).  But, cuddles I can do, yes (just let me have time to eat them up).

Yes... it's a kiss of a crush... a touch of NRE or limerance... and I'm far too possessive of  people I have no business worrying about. He's not going to be monogamous... then again, I'm likely not going to be either in the end. My matter is having closed circles that while can expand, stay closed as it does. Not come and go but staying within the circle. Something like that.

He did ask if I was okay... a couple times even.  I did feel a bit ashamed. He was the last person I wanted to see at that moment. I do hide when vulnerable...  and I don't cry easily in public. (or at the very least I try not to). I did downplay it.

"Ugly Duckling" fits perfectly...
Painfully, perfectly...

I appreciate the care even though I don't see it much from others but the mouse... even though the mouse seems to be mostly trying but not succeeding. There was a bit of that strange "safe" feeling... but perhaps it's mixed in with knowing his sense of duty, loyalty, and responsibility. I can support that.  A sexual sub but still a leader... maybe tempered and polished by the things he's faced... and here I am wondering and being a marshmallow... (I'm not a marshmallow but just busy feeling sorry for myself. THAT is understood.)


Devouring Pain

It's possible that while I fuss and complain over lingering aches (frequently hamming it up), I just gobble up erotic pain in a scene. That's what I think, at the very least.

Right now, my body is wracked with ache that lays somewhere between sweetness and that which would annoy. I purchased a paddle and a cat o' nine tails ("-1", because it's missing a flagella). My shoulders feel a little sore from him holding (not choking) me from behind, as well as my neck muscles. The back of my thighs and hips ache from possibly a combination of my back-thrust and the beating. I am groggy and am in between...

It felt like it took long enough, but I got my spanking last night. It ended prematurely, however, and I floated about with a mixture of pout, unfulfillment, and light gratitude. It doesn't happen often. He feels too self conscious to do it often and worries about being heard. I love the feeling. I don't care about being heard even though in "consideration" I stifle my moans. I bratted. I mocked trying to escape in an attempt to draw him into it a bit more. I hid the paddle behind my back as I sat "giggling" all the way. And he seemed to enjoy it all until I let it slip that I heard a door close.

He closed himself then.  I'm not sure how much he listened when I told him to look into how to properly hold some items. He whipped himself with "-1" with almost every strike he gave. Then again, he seemed much less into it at that point. I told him to use it because it was quieter but it made me want to scream.

So worried about "hurting" me... though I wanted to be hurt. So worried about being heard though there's nobody in that house who isn't into a degree of kink.

I need a gentle domme with a slight sadistic twist. I need someone to match me. I need/want someone I can spar with on an emotional, physical, and kinky level. The tricky part is finding such a person and having the trust there. The tricky part is finding anyone of this type that CAN be trusted.



They say there’s never an end to the many books out there…
I love to read and through the years I’ve managed to put together a collection of both physical and ebooks that may take me quite a while to get through. I’m also of the opinion that one should get as much information on subjects that interest them from as many sources as possible – and then make their own educated judgment. Something useful can be pulled from any source! (and some sources are prime examples of what not to do…)
Here is my current list of books pertaining to human sexuality, the erotic, and BDSM.
Suggestions of other books are welcome and encouraged.

Last updated : 7-11-12

- -- Body Language for Dummies
- -- Dating for Dummies
- -- Flirting for Dummies
- -- Sex for Dummies
- -- The Complete Idiot's Guide to Amazing Sex
- -- The Complete Idiot's Guide to Tantric Sex
- -- The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Kama Sutra
Alain Danielou -- The Complete Kama Sutra
Andre Van Lysebeth -- Tantra, The Cult of the Feminine
Anne Hooper -- Kama Sutra - Classic Lovemaking Techniques Reinterpreted for Today's Lovers
Anne Hooper -- Kama Sutra for 21st Century Lovers
Anne Hooper -- Sexopedia
Annie Sprinkle -- Dr Sprinkle's Spectacular Sex
Atwood, Austin --  The Toybag Guide to Erotic Knifeplay
Ballentine, Johnson, Michaels -- The Essence of Tantric Sexuality
Barbara Carrellas -- Urban Tantra
Barbara Keesling -- How to Make Love All Night
Barbara Keesling -- Super Sexual Orgasm
Barbara Keesling -- Talk Sexy to the One You Love
Berkowitz -- He's Just Not Up for it Anymore
Betty Dodson -- Sex for One
Bobbi Dempsey -- 1001 Sexcapades to Do If You Dare
Brame, Jacobs -- Different Loving
Charla Hathaway -- Erotic Massage
Carol Queen -- Exhibitionism for the Shy
Carole Altman -- Electrify Your Sex Life
Chia, Wei -- Sexual Reflexology
Christa Schulte -- Tantric Sex for Women
Christina Abernathy -- Erotic Slavehood - A Miss Abernathy Omnibus
Claudia Varrin -- The Art of Sensual Female Dominance
Copeland, Link -- Soul Sex - Tantra for Two
Cordelia Fine -- A Mind of Its Own
Cordelia Fine -- Delusions of Gender 
Deborah Addington -- A Hand in the Bush
Deborah Sundahl -- Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot
Donald Kraig -- Modern Sex Magick
Dorian Solot -- I Love Female Orgasm
Douglas, Slinger -- Sexual Secrets - The Alchemy of Ecstasy
Easton, Hardy -- Radical Ecstasy: SM Journeys to Transcendence
Easton, Hardy -- The Ethical Slut
Easton, Hardy -- The New Bottoming Book
Easton, Hardy -- The New Topping Book
Elise Sutton -- Female Domination
Elise Sutton -- The FemDom Experience
Eve Ensler -- The Vagina Monologues
Felice Numan -- The Whole Lesbian Sex Book
Flagg -- The Forked Tongue
Foley, Kope -- Sex Matters for Women
Fran Greene -- The Flirting Bible
Francoise Simpere -- The Art and Etiquette of Polyamory
Gary Chapman -- The Five Love Languages 
Georgeann Cross -- Sexual Power for Women
Gandhi, Rosenberg -- Nonviolent Communication
Gordon Inkeles -- The New Sensual Massage
Hanne Blake -- Big Big Love
Hardy Haberman -- The Family Jewels - A Guide to Male Genital Play and Torment
Hogan -- Intellectual Foreplay
Hugh deBeer -- 269 Amazing Sex Games
Hugh Urban -- Magia Sexualis
Ian Kerner -- He Comes Next
Ian Kerner -- She Comes First
Ingrid Bellemare -- Owning and Training A Male Slave
Jack Lee Rosenburg -- Total Orgasm
Jack Morin -- Anal Pleasure and Health
Jack Morin -- The Erotic Mind
Jay Wiseman -- Jay Wiseman's Erotic Bondage Handbook
Jay Wiseman -- SM 101 : A Realistic Introduction
Jethá, Ryan -- Sex At Dawn
John Warren -- The Loving Dominant
Johnson, Michaels, Taormino - Tantra for Erotic Empowerment
Julius Evola -- The Metaphysics of Sex
Kacie Cunningham -- Conquer Me
Kathy Labriola -- Love In Abundance
Ken Addison -- Around Her Finger
Keith Sherwood -- Sex and Transcendence
Kenneth Ray Stubbs -- Erotic Massage
Kezia Nobel -- 15 Steps To Becoming A Master Seducer
Lee Harrington -- Sacred Kink
Lee Harrington -- Spirit of Desire
Lee Harrington -- Shibari You Can Use
Lou Paget -- How To Be A Great Lover
Mabel Iam -- Sex and the Perfect Lover
Mantak Chia -- The Multiorgasmic Man
Mara Altman -- Thanks for Coming
Mark Michaels -- Tantra for Erotic Empowerment
Marrena Lindberg -- The Orgasmic Diet
McAdams -- The Illustrated Guide to Tantric Massage
Michael Moran -- Erotic Tickling
Mim Chapman -- What Does Polyamory Look Like
Mistress Lorelei -- The Mistress Manual
Mollena Williams -- Toybag Guide to Playing With Taboo
Nicole Daedone -- Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm
Nitya Lacroix -- The Complete Guide to Sexual Fulfillment
Omar Garrison -- Tantra - The Yoga of Sex
Osho -- Sex Matters
Pat Califa -- Public Sex
Peter Masters -- Look Into My Eyes
Peter Masters -- The Control Book
Peter Masters -- This Curious Human Phenomenon
Rachel Swift -- How to Have an Orgasm...As Often As You Want
Raven Kaldera --  Dark Moon Rising
Robert Greene -- The Art of Seduction
SapioSlut -- Sapioslut - The Collected Adventures
Sheila Kelley -- The S Factor
Sheri Winston -- Women's Anatomy of Arousal
Susan Mumford -- Sensual Massage
Tristan Taormino -- Opening Up - A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships
Tristan Taormino -- The Ultimate Guide to Kink
Violet Blue -- Seal It With A Kiss
Violet Blue -- Total Flirt
Vivienne Cass -- The Elusive Orgasm
William Herkin -- Consensual Sadomasochism
Yvonne Fulbright -- Touch Me There