"Is that why they call it a crush?"

My heart is hurting... and it annoys me... TERRIBLY. I know I'm alive. This is coming with the territory, I guess.

Somehow, I feel so terribly lonesome, and my mind keeps flashing back to the expression he had on his face after the quick kiss. I miss the excitement of a fresh kiss. I can feel those of the mouse coming... they're warm but not exciting. I wonder if I'm seen of as boring once I've been had. I wonder if I'm simply bored with the average male...

Somehow, I feel so terribly lonesome, and my mind flows back to him being putty in my hands. For just the moment I could feel him relax, even though I could also feel the bones in his frame and some hint of musculature. He asked if I was trying to seduce him. I let out a playful "maybe, what do you think?." A gentle bonk to his head was given after he gave me a look... "If there's anywhere else you'd like me to rub down, just let me know."...

He did say he felt better, and that's something that counts to me. The pleasure of the person getting the massage matters to me. Then again, I go into a bit of a trance sometimes when giving. I long to be under capable hands...

And then my mind flows back to his hand across the small of my back... nestled against his neck while in his lap. (as well as the shifted erection beneath my thigh...) I remember the few times I backed into his lap playfully... and the time he bit my breast.  Sharp... through clothes... but delicious...

Maybe, he makes me wonder. Maybe, I feel like I missed an opportunity.

It's possible also that I missed his signs... or knowingly rejected them remembering the ex is still someone I consider a friend. He's still someone I would like to lean on... and I hate the thought of this getting in the way of said friendship. "Would you like to get a room?" From a simple closed mouth kiss on the lips. Something that could be considered so innocent... I can't help but wonder if it excited him. "Are you trying to seduce me?" and the "aw" that came out of him afterwards.

Just like that, one misses their privacy and their window. Perhaps, it was all taken for granted when it was there... or not really.

I really do need my own space. Then again, I do know we have very little in common save a degree of attraction and flirting. There's a friendship. There's a respect. We wouldn't go well together as a couple - but it would be a pretty wild ride in the bedroom.

My jealousy and possessiveness (and obsession with doing things safely) might get in the way of that. Time will tell..