Believing in Desire

I was late for work this morning... or at least later than I'd originally planned on being there. (I was still on time in terms to the schedule though.) I went in smelling like sex and sweat. The reason being that I had an absolutely delicious masturbation session before leaving the house. Even now, my legs still feel a little bit like jello.

I have a mix of emotions but amongst them is still that lingering want... I've told myself I don't need to buy anymore sex toys for a while. My hands do a pretty good job of stimulating me. I have a collection that doesn't get nearly as much use as it could. (And they certainly do /the trick/ when I have enough time and privacy to enjoy the sensations.)  Something I must learn is how to live in that pleasure and accept it.

I must learn to believe in my pleasure and allow myself to have it. It's easier said than done. Sure, a lot of us could be said to be allowing ourselves pleasure, but that doesn't mean we're doing so to the fullest. I want to do so to the fullest. I want to float in that sea of bliss and in it become one with the universe. My path to enlightenment might live in my sacral chakra for now... for now at least. Then again, I just might be fixated because I have an addictive personality and love to feel things intensely.

I need to trust were my heart is trying to tell me to go. I need to trust my instincts. Without them, where will I be? Where will I go? I want to live each moment but without regrets. I want to enjoy life, love, and fucking as much as possible. (Also, love-making, and just plain PLEASURE!) I need to trust my voice and use it.

I need to use my voice.

Something I know I must learn is how to let go. That's probably a hard part. I'm here still coming to terms with me crushing on someone who would at this point in time be a long distance thing. There is no THING. There's my attraction. There's his attraction. But there is no THING between us as much as we flirt when together. I need to let go of the notion that there will be more... rather the hope or expectation. While I wouldn't mind being with someone like him... to be with him would be bad for both of us right now. To be with HIM right now would be painful for me right now. To do such a thing would be detrimental to the friend's circle. But I can be selfish and want to play, can't I?

Thinking back, I think the feelings for Mr L faded when he turned out to be all talk. He still speaks now and then and in our last conversation after I said with a joke that I was feeling horny, that he'd be willing to play along. I expect nothing from him even though he says things like "come down to AC and spend a weekend in the room." We can discuss but there is very little compatibility besides a physical attraction. With this crush, there's a mutual respect even though we likely wouldn't be good together... not monogamously anyway. He wants freedom and I want a harem.

They want freedom and I want a loyal harem.

It feels almost hypocritical to type such a thing, but I do. Is it some kind of psychological outgrowth of wanting to be accepted by people in general? Maybe. Maybe I just want the multiple flirts, variety, and gangbangs... Lots... of... gangbangs... Also, cuddling. I can cuddle with some better than others. While the mouse is a comfortable cuddle and warm, there's no feeling of security or safety there. Calm, but not protected or safe... or if safe - only by my own doing.

Thinking back, I don't want to be all talk. I'm telling people such of what I want - but I won't be bullied into their timelines anymore. That isn't fair to anyone. At the same time, I need to try not to put that pressure on others. This crush might be me trying to put pressure of reciprocation out there... then again, he can be a little hard to read sometimes.

I need to trust that the people who I care about or would pursue anything with, would come to me and voice their want fully. Then again, we all have our reasons to /not/ do something. He told me he's always seen me as "belonging to the mouse"... or maybe just off limits. I'm letting those limits open up but just in a very controlled way.

I don't care how hot you are - I don't hook up. Not on a first meeting. Maybe not in the first month.

As much as I keep rolling my words over I just know I need trust... belief.... without those things there is little else for me.

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