“So, I’ve got a terrible habit of killing vibrators…”

I kill vibrators.

It seems that’s the way it works. I get some delightful buzzy toy that’s egg shaped or wand shaped and then it dies on me. Usually the cord frays or the battery explodes inside. It can snap in two or get bad cracks if made of jelly. It can start to seep. Either that or it just doesn’t feel good to me and I consider it “dead” to me. (and at that point it stays hidden away somewhere to be forgotten or I give it away.)

It’s possible that I simply haven’t put down enough money for quality toys. Once upon a time I received an Ultime by Natural Contours by way of a sex toy exchange I tried to organize. (What a delight to give the gift of an orgasm, no?) If I remember correctly, the limit was 30 dollars for a toy. The Ultime was approximately $25 at the time and I felt like it was such a splurge. It never got much use but it was and is a wonderful toy if I may say so. It’s possible that I came close to busting it just for awkwardly trying to switch the speeds. I thank it for my first squirting orgasm.

The bulk of my sex toy purchases in the past have gone into dildos. (The pump set might skew my calculations a bit for recent buys - but the dildo collection wins hands down in term of cash spent.) No vibe I’ve ever bought cost more than $30. Perhaps I just couldn’t justify it.

That changed a little in buying a Lelo Mia. In part, I want to call it a luxury toy, but I also wanted to see if the quality would be that much different from my usual “bargain” vibes.

In terms of specs, the Mia is approximately 4 inches long and about the girth of a large tube of lipstick. Stats say she has a 90 day battery retention time and a body made of a mix of hard silicone and plastic. She’s also USB rechargeable.

In use – she has a delightful buzz and four modes. The first and default is a continuous vibration with increasing speeds. The other three modes are different types of pulsing buzzes. Perhaps I’m just terribly awkward with my masturbation techniques but after my first use – it seems most annoying that the usb cap loosens and starts to come off when I’m using the toy. Maybe it is that I just use too much lube or an odd kind of force. She’s not the type to just lay down against my labia – however. This is the kind of toy I need to rub up and down my clitoral shaft to get the best sensation. I wouldn’t consider insertion an option because the controls are right on the side of the tiny body and also that “slipping cap” matter.

Would I recommend her to a friend? Yes. I think I would. Then again, I’m not sure how many of my friends like vibrators. I’d recommend the Ultime if I remembered just what she felt like too. I guess this is a sign that I need to go through all of my toys and have lots of orgasms.



I think pumping is one of the things that make me want to take pictures of myself. It’s a bit of an amazing experience. True, it can be a little annoying to try and adjust the things… to get a good seal… but it feels wonderful. It’s the kind of thing a guy or gal could easily get addicted to. At least, I think that.

A little over a month ago I purchased some cylinders and a pump kit called the “Clit Enhancement System” from one of my favorite stores. The pump mechanism itself leaves a little to be desired and it feels rather flimsy. The feeling it leaves, however, a delight.

I’ve been told I have a “large” clit by the mouse. Nobody else has ever given me some kind of size comparison. I wouldn’t know how I compare but it certainly is easy to find.

At the moment I have 1 small cylinder, 3 medium sized ones, and one large one. Surprisingly, the medium sized one doesn’t get a good seal on my clit and even hurts a little bit to try and press it against my labia. That’s just the right size for fat nipples. I might invest in two more of the small ones for the sake of elongating. I imagine they would stretch more under the pressure vs just sucking in half of my areolas along with the nipple.

They do look deliciously suckable afterwards. I wonder if my mouse would appreciate such a thing. They feel wonderful after a nice pumping as well. The sensation is some mixture of soft, warm, and full. Thinking about it actually makes my pussy water a bit.

(Or maybe I just need to have enough time and privacy to get myself off until I’m shaking. I don’t think I’ve had enough orgasms for my liking lately. I’m sure I could find a volunteer to help but it’s also likely that I’m underwhelmed by the performance of most these days… )

As of now, it’s one of my favorite grownup toys… if only I had enough time and privacy to play with it more.


Things I Must Remember

There are other people in this big wide world. I’m not alone. I’m not the only sort of shy but actually guarded woman out there. I’m not the only person who loves toy play. I’m not the only person with leanings towards BDSM and a love for ANR.

I’m not alone.

I have to remember that. Even though the mouse is sometimes really good for me and others a pain… even though I love him and question loving him when my mind decides to leave me. I’m not alone in this world. I’m not a unicorn. I can make friends. I just have to get up the bravery to actually meet them… to actually speak to them.

I have to remember that I’m beautiful, smart, and an all around good person even if I have a mean streak. I’m not a bad person for wanting to “ruin” someone’s orgasm, or to tease them until they can barely think straight. I’m not a bad person to blue ball a guy with the promise of more later… even when I don’t know when later will be.

I’m not alone.

There’s a world of people out there that I can meet… a world that I can talk to. Maybe I won’t like most of them. Maybe I’ll like very few of them. I won’t know until I try. For that – I HAVE to try.

Having my own driver’s license would open up so many doors…
I guess time to start studying again.


“If I said I missed you, would you believe me?”

Perhaps I’ll take on a title like “The Boredom of the Cat.” I’m filled with a bit of unease… fuss… unsettled emotions… and I know that as I write there isn’t anybody who is truly listening. There is my blog but I don’t exactly have readers… or it feels as such. I don’t write often anyway but that’s something that might change in the near future.

Thinking of Anna Nalick’s “Breathe (2 am) and wanting to listen to it… wanting to sing and scream it out because it feels true. Well, mostly the third stanza. These words are kind of just bursting forth when I need to release. They’re let out so I don’t explode in the emotions even if they come out sounding a bit dry… powdered to dust.

And then I think of the young man I crushed on for three years, maybe more. I think of the boyfriend of six years that I say so casually “It was nice then – oh well.” Everyone has their issues and these two had plenty. But of the crush I called so affectionately and secretly “L”, he struck a fire in me like no one else.
Maybe that’s what fire signs do to one another…
Of the boyfriend of years who I left when I felt no longer myself and more sadness than any other emotion in his presence, he struck a fire in me too.
Maybe that’s what fire signs do… to one another.

Of the lovers and near lovers I’ve had before… they are all so many things the mouse is not… and perhaps that’s something that’s pushing me away. I’m no longer excited. I’m no longer as attracted and his actions are doing more repelling than drawing in. They say you know when someone is no longer right for you when you start feeling that way... thinking more about their fit to you than yours to them. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I do know that I miss having a confident lover… someone who’s truly confident and self assured and not just putting up a mask. I can understand and except sharing the moments of weakness, but when those times are more often than not...

I don’t know.

It wears on me and I don’t want to be a mother to a grown man. I don’t want to be a lover to someone who’s still an emotional child. (A childlike spirit is different from an emotional child. I’m sure you all know the difference.)

Perhaps this part of his character is really what is repelling me… not the people he wants to sleep with. Perhaps not.


About the Cat

queer, feminist, pagan, daughter, lover, neurotic, NSFW, artist, pro-choice, childfree, dreamer

I am not the sum of the labels applied to me.
I am more than a list of kinks that turn me on.
There is more to me than I may ever write down here.

Perhaps, the best way to get to know someone is through their words and actually conversing with them. However, I’m a bit antisocial and perhaps even a little standoffish around strangers so my blog and this little intro may have to do.

Without completely retelling my life story …
I was born with brown skin and a vagina in December of 1981 deep in the urban wilds of New Jersey.
I have a job but no beloved career. I don’t drive and get around by way of public transport.
My hobbies involve some form of arts & crafts. I like exercise, love food, and don’t watch much television.

My drive its own animal.

I’ve been partnered to a young man (who I refer herein as “Mouse”) since early 2006. We currently live apart. Admittedly, many of my posts here involve him in some degree. It is my belief that one’s sexuality and those they share it with are closely linked.

I’m learning ethical nonmonogamy in the eyes of opening a long closed relationship (rather than starting single). I’m polyaffectionate yet mildly misanthropic. I’m fiercely protective of those I come to love with a tendency to lean towards jealousy.

I’m growing into my skin and still coming to terms with the fact my life, loves, and wants fly in the face of my upbringing. Perhaps, I’m really bursting at the seams and these words are just an expression of my growing pains.

I write about love, lust, longing, and limerence.

I write about other things too, but they don’t always see the light of this blog.
If you haven’t noticed, I ramble.

My posts are signed “SB” and I may or may not answer to “cat” if called.

Thank you for your visit.