He cut his hair. When I met my lover he had a full(ish) head of wavy brown hair that hung past his shoulders. On some of our first dates, and even some of our later ones, we would sit out in the sun and I would brush his hair. I’d brush deeply, massage his scalp, and he’d become restful as I mixed into his hair soap and oils. And now his hair is cut.

It feels odd. I know he’s been thinking about this for a long time. The length had become a nuisance to him. He didn’t like shedding hair in a way he felt was constant, and he didn’t like having to pick it out of his laundry or from drains after washing. He says now that his head feels lighter and that I was the one who convinced him to leave it at one inch. To be completely honest, I don’t think I would have been able to bear it much shorter.

I did help him with the trimmers and to make sure that it was cut evenly. I cut off a major portion of his locks and shuddered all the while. He still looks as attractive as he ever did. He’s still my lover. Now, however, it feels like an affair. The familiar feel of my finger knotting in his waves is replaced with a bit of bristling against my hand. He too says he may miss the feel of me using his hair as a sort of lead, looping it up as we have sex or he buries his face between my thighs.

It feels odd. He’s the same person but somehow feels a stranger unfamiliar. I found myself startled a few times when I looked to him, for him. True, my lover is there, but something that I always identified with him is gone, and I feel my familiarity shaken surreal.


Camera Shy Exhibitionist

My mate is currently considering going into the “webcam” business. He found what he feels to be a legitimate agency and has brought up the idea of making me his partner for shows. This sparks mixed emotions for me.

On one hand, as far as internet sex goes, I tend to direct or write. I’ve teased and taunted. I plant thoughts in the minds of others and only show pictures if they earn it with tribute. They must show me their hand first – prove themselves worthy of my attentions. Even then, it takes a while before they can see my intimate parts. Even then, they have to get themselves off. To webcam would put me out of my element and completely shake my own system of doing things. I don’t think I’d like that.

I haven’t agreed to working with him in front of the camera’s lens. I’m all for a bit of healthy exhibitionism, but on my terms. I’d rather be around trusted parties than strangers in that regard – or carefully picked strangers. I’m not sure I’m 100% okay with him whipping his penis out in front of a camera either, but, he’s comfortable with it. I know it’s his body and he’s looking at it more as a way to make money and ends meet. Perhaps, it upset me a bit that he considered the idea of us “selling” our private moments for any random person to look in on. I’ve brought up the idea of having sex in front of people we know and the fact that that’s probably far more comfortable to me than the idea of someone fetishizing our bodies.

There are far too many people out there who don’t deserve the privilege of looking at me in the nude.


Flirt with me

I admit it’s fun and gives a thrill. Harmless flirting with friends without touching or joking in the realm of the risqué is a delight. I admit this. Lacing innuendo and just being silly. I love it. I love it so much! There are days I can’t get enough.

I step back when it’s obvious the other person has other things on their mind. I’m not looking for follow through right now. There’s where temptation and threat to relationships starts. But to flirt – is harmless I think. (especially so when the other person is game and not into your gender primarily.) Then again, I’m one who likes to flirt with her friends. I joke, cuddle, and hug freely if I like you.

Flirting can be on par with talking dirty with me with a love. Words and tone have a huge effect. When mixed with confidence it’s a beautiful combination.


Slow Confessions

I told him about ANR… I wasn’t able to get a complete read of his reaction but could sense a degree of repulsion when I said what the acronym stood for. Bodily fluids put him off, even though he doesn’t mind feeling my wetness on his shaft. It’s only a minor exception…

He said it felt greedy somehow but that he wouldn’t have a problem if not for the fact that I “secrete”.

The looking back on the conversation feels dizzying and a bit disappointing. In voicing it, I realized how much this means to me… how much nursing and possibly one day lactating affects me.

Maybe I do have a little of that “obsession” some people talk about, though I don’t always keep up with day to day massaging. I barely keep up with my /regular/ day to day schedule. Still, the desire manages to bubble up here and there. My breasts gives way to its tingling heaviness and my nipples sway with a sensitive deep pang.

This is what they’re for.


Putting things into words

My mate and I seem to have been stuck in an argument until yesterday. There was a lot of tension… a lot of crying… and an undeniable heaviness in the air around us as the days went by. We’ve likely had unresolved business up to yesterday. I don’t feel like there is any ill will between us right now. There are things we won’t ever see completely eye to eye on and I still don’t like the idea of sharing or being shared. Perhaps, it would be best to gradually move our relationship back into a state of complete monogamy.

It melted away in a nursing session…
True, we fell into another small “argument” and tears after something poorly timed was said in the moment, but by night, all was well once more. I won’t say that drinking far too many Mike’s Hard Lemonades is what calmed me. (Drinking alcohol makes me either giggly or want to fight.) But all calmed again after the second nursing session. (Which followed a massage.)

I think I was able to get some of my emotions out regarding ANR as well. In the past I’ve said it simply feels very good, relaxes me, and is an easy way to turn me on. This time, I told him it was something that put me and left me in a very vulnerable place during the moment. It’s something that makes me relaxed, aroused, awash with emotions, spiritual and physical all in one. I feel cared for and feel nurturing at the same time in that embrace, with legs entwined. Tooth against nipple is a sensation – but for as much of the breast as possible in his mouth, pulling in the areola, I am in a strange bliss.

Maybe, he’s beginning to understand what it means to me. Maybe, he’s more comfortable with the idea of spending quiet time in my bosom. Maybe, he did it just to stop the fighting and as a way of giving me something I love.

As with all things, time will tell.