The short of it - I had my first ejaculation during sex. I really don't know how it felt except for the fact that it happened.

This is the long.

I believe I've mentioned before that I've been reading more books about human sexuality. I've been reading more about female sexuality. I've been considering my own queerness and embracing it more outwardly though it's been there and confused inwardly. I've started considering how to express it more. I'm opening my mind... or at the very least attempting to. I'm also trying to make an attempt to just relax more and orgasm more often... even if it's being done solo.

Maybe, I've just come to terms with things... Maybe it's all just a reset and a rebuild.

The mouse and I had a "long" talk the other day... THAT long talk after the matter of the trust break. I put everything out that was on my mind and he did as well... or at least some of it. He got angry. He kicked a chair and held back a yell... then broke down into sobs. I told him of my fears, cried my own screaming sobs (or rather allowed myself too for a little while before choking them in my throat.

We came to terms and I laid down my boundary... boundaries... and then it was fine again. Somehow that feels like it fixed it all. He said he understood and that he'd try harder for us to see eye to eye. I followed with us already "understanding" one another - just not agreeing. And so, made my drawn line bold once more.

Then the next day I jumped him, we made out like teenagers for a little while, dry humped, and I got myself off. He asked for an okay to sex, I told him to get a condom, and then my knees touched my shoulders. Maybe I'd just been warmed up enough and I let him know I thought it might be possible for me to orgasm again if he kept it up at the angle he was at. I didn't feel anything but the resulting gush splattered against his abdomen and down my thighs. That might have been enough to set him off - actually. It's possible I was just too startled to realize it or completely feel the release. I found myself actually checking for his condom for a moment.

I felt relaxed but that's about it. My legs were shaky afterwards. I felt calm and giggly. I'm sure if we kept going I might have felt the thunderous orgasm with AF stimulation. Yet, I squirted for the first time in a long time... and I didn't expect it to happen. He seemed to have a bit of pride for bringing me to that point and has said as much as wanting to get me to do so again... he's teased a little too about having to wash the sheets more often if he's found out how to bring it out of me. I'm not against it.

It's possible that for all the love that's felt, I've reserved myself to think of him like a fuckbuddy. It was tender talking about "our future" ... though it's possible I don't completely believe in it even if it's what we both say we want.

I believe in my pleasure. The question is just how reliable it will be.



It's one of those days where I feel slightly haunted by a memory... or maybe just a fantasy.

My last few nights have been spent sleeping half nude while cocooned in a pile of disheveled sheets and blankets. They stink a little of my underarm perspiration but I'm not against that. I just have to pull my head out of the "sand" when I'm tired of my suffocated scent.

There's been a bit of mental lingering over the past few days and it could be said to have been triggered by a dream. Mr L. has managed to bubble up in my subconscious a bit more as of late. It's a bit frustrating as I can't get him out of my head but we haven't spoken lately. I've passed a link or a joke now and then. He doesn't respond, nor should he.

Even so, I had a dream replaying portions of a memory with him the other night... I'd done some light meditation and this bubbled to the surface. I remembered him dozing off for a moment in my lap as I stroked his hair. The memory was fresh, raw, and vivid even. It was one of those dreams where I could feel what was going on. There was a press of flesh, a tease, and coitus interrupted before it began. I remember that much and then wonder what would or could have been between us.

Maybe the world is more simple than I think. Maybe we can reach out with our minds. Maybe the power of attraction is in action. Maybe there are fields where thoughts and energies pass and touch those we miss most. Maybe hearts do call out to one another in the dreamscape.

As I wrote he said hello...

I admit my frustration. I admit to wanting to be on the receiving end of an erotic massage. I admit I want confident, gentle, feel good , skin to skin contact. Then I remember the only people who have been able to ignite that fire in me with a massage were Mr L and my former... It's depressing. Then again it could be as simple as me opening up to them and laying myself bare. It could be as simple as exposing myself and being happy with the moment. It could be as simple as me being attracted to them head over heels and just as enthusiastic to pounce around them in a puppyish way. That might be the most frustrating part. I want to feel that again with another person. I want to be touched the way I touch others. I want to feel what "they" say they feel when I reach out to them... The question is when.



I've been reading Mara Altman's "Thanks for Coming" over the past few days. It's a good train read, maybe even a good "sit in the bathtub and hide" read. I'm enjoying it more than I thought I would, even though there are some things at the start of the book I don't exactly agree with. It's her story. I can't argue with that. I identify with her words more and more as the book goes on. It's an interesting view. It's funny. It's refreshing.

I've thought over my own sexuality a bit more since I've started reading it. This isn't to say that I've been transformed by this memoir. We can all learn things from different sources. We can always take something new away from our experiences. It could be my own grief and frustration showing or it could be my stress. It could just be for the love of it - but I've been orgasming solo a lot more often lately. That would come up to being on average once every day or two. PMS wasn't too rough this month though I've felt stressed in general. My mind feels clear though my clit feels a bit numb today. It's possible I've just needed to get that energy flowing again. I used my Carnelian egg and from then on I've felt a bit more open in my sacral energies. Maybe open just means that I'm not ignoring them completely in this case.

Pleasure is good for you.

I still feel a little bad over having to do this alone. I still feel a little lonesome for not having someone willing to co-conspire in my orgasm. Perhaps it's better to say that I don't have someone I'm attracted to willing to co-conspire. The mouse and I are on a definite rock right now. We still haven't gone over the questions of what will be of our relationship. He wants to be hopeful and in my mind flashed "I want to be at the happy end, not the messy middle." Similar to my loc journey... The end result takes time. If he and I are going to work as an open relationship, or even a closed couple, it's going to take time. I know that in all of the other issues, my orgasms, or lack of, are mixed in.

He said he felt devastated when I told him that his usual techniques didn't satisfy me. He's been hung on that ever since. I would think that would be a cause to try and learn new things. There's an art to sex and seduction. It's not all "insert, pound, and stir however you like." He said that he had hopes to "bring something back" in terms of learning new ways to be a lover. It actually feels like he's completely skipping over whatever guidance I try to give. It seemed to work best when he JUST LISTENED to what I liked and actually tried it.

Men make women's orgasms their own... claim them as badges. Some of them do at least. It's upsetting. It's also slightly depressing. I didn't think I'd be with someone like that... or was... At the same time, it feels like he's given that up as well. It could be stress... it could be sensing my frustration. I remember the last few times left me feeling upset when I tried to honestly show enthusiasm. I remember the last few times feeling lonesome and letdown. Then I remember him going on to another person within days.

I don't know if he has been in these last few weeks. I don't really want to have sex with him either. Maybe, that's keypoint.

No trust, no love, no intimacy.

No pleasure = no orgasm.

I still wonder what my future holds in terms of my sexuality. I wonder where my own personal revolution will take me. I've got enough things mentally tied up that I don't know where I'll end up. I've got enough cobwebs and baggage.

Maybe, if I were more of a minimalist and more zen, I'd easier come. I'd easier go. I'd find that moment to float in space all the more simple to taste... to touch... Maybe, it would be all the more palpable when I wasn't alone and attached to a mouth.

They start deep. They build up and then overflow with a gush. They're like a volcano erupting or what causes a mushroom cloud to form. It's better to say that they're a geyser of water and fire.

He told me they look intense, not like anything he's seen before. My orgasms are large, powerful explosions. Maybe that's why it takes work and time to get them there. They're a release.

Maybe, they're tied to my nipples and my voice. I've had to stay silent. That in itself has always been frustrating. I've had to hold my voice in my throat, stifle my moans in a fist or a pillow. I've not been able to let them go - and perhaps that's stressful in itself. It's depriving my own voice. It's depriving a sense. It's denying the experience for the comfort of those surrounding...



The short version of it all - the mouse did something that broke a lot of my trust.
The short version of it - he did something that he said forgot was "against the rules" and thought I was alright with considering that I simply tolerated related acts in an attempt to deal with the open aspects of our relationship better.
The short version is that we are most definitely going back to condoms if there is to be sex ever again between us. I don't think there will be any time soon.

Do I want to leave? Not particularly... but at the same time I don't know or think there's much left for me with him. The best he has to offer may not be good enough for me to accept as a partner. His best might be pure in his intentions but not enough for me in terms of what I give and want to receive from a partner.

Do I want to leave? Not particularly... but at the same time I don't know if there's really any future for us or if he's even given it more of a thought than a romanticized "be with you for the rest of my life" in words. I've asked him what he means by that and he shrugs an "I don't know."

So I made a list of questions... something for us to discuss in a few days. They're the "tough, soul-searching, what do you want" type of questions. There are some that I might have trouble with but I'll try. The point is trying. Even if we can't see eye to eye on whatever future there might be for us, at least it would be good to know as individuals what you want.

Still, I've a lingering feeling that this is all really just prolonging the inevitable.


Disconnected Dissonance

I'd like to preface this post by saying that I'm aware that many of the things I perceive are not true. I am also aware that the way I view myself is still evolving and my own self esteem has been low for so long that I feel like it's normal. I'd like to change that. I'm gradually rebuilding myself from within and hoping to fully love the finished product.

My physical body does not match my mental one. It boils down to that.

The mouse and I had a bit of a photoshoot yesterday. I wasn't very happy with the results. Then again, he doesn't usually take pictures of people and said right off that he's never done anything like that before. I don't mind having pictures taken of me, and actually felt a bit sexy yesterday. Normally, in photos, I look rather childish. I'm bubbly, bouncing around, goofy. I make faces. I burst with childish energy. Sexy normally just isn't it. So I moved, shook, shimmied, and arched. I bent over, backwards, crawled, and reclined. I petted myself a bit and let go sometimes a longing gaze.

The pictures were either ugly or honest. It could be a form of mirror image distortion. It could be a matter of just the angle I was viewed at. It could just be that the pictures were poorly taken or I'm just not used to seeing myself "head on".

He zeroed in on my vulva... I don't think she likes the way she looked. I thought of an elephant... or some animal. She didn't look "human" ... but she is still mine. I admire her petals when I take pictures or look in mirrors. But his pictures... somehow... don't feel right.

Out of all of yesterday's shoot, I only "like" one or two out of the batch. I don't really connect to any of them as being me.

I'm not as fit as I imagine myself to be. The pictures showed that in part. The fact that I can barely jog for more than a few yards shows that.

Also, comes to mind something I read out of an Easton/Hardy book... (I think it was "Radical Ecstasy") The concept of having a penis made of energy... While I embrace my vulva and the feelings she can bring, I felt my uterus tremble last night... but didn't orgasm until I visualized having a "phantom energy penis" of sorts. It's hard to explain. That felt right. As soon as I felt like "it" was being stimulated, I went over the edge almost immediately.

It's not a part of physical body but it is there in my mind.

I'm not going to try to rationalize all of this away. I would like to understand it a bit more, however.


Underneath it All

I think I'm beginning to understand why "they" say to sometimes wear lingerie underneath everyday wear. It's an interesting , almost naughty kind of feeling without doing something truly risqué. I haven't worn a bra in a little over a year and have gotten used to having to sometimes hold my breast down when bounding up and down stairs or taping down my stout yet near perma-errect nipples. (It's possible they have also gotten used to the every day friction of fabric against them.)

Still, I'm beginning to understand, I think...
I put on an industrial weave black net bodystocking with an open crotch before leaving the house this afternoon. True, I did some of the "conventional" preparation and grooming by shave/trimming my underarm and pubic hair. I washed with peppermint soap and anointed my body with oil from neck to ankle. I slipped on a belled clit clamp too and when I stood upright I felt my body thrill with the net confining me... especially around my breasts and ass.

For a moment I contemplated some shibari (given I have someone to play with...)

I put on a pair of cotton panties to catch any stray drops of excitement (or blood considering I'm due for some ovulation spotting) and the clip if it should slip loose. I think that might have been a good idea. My body seems to not like to keep on clip style erotic jewelry. My clit might also be a little "stout" that way. Jewelry stays on for either a moment and slips off or after it stays a moment it hurts and not in the "erotic discomfort" sort of way either. It still looks good, however.

I could make a habit of this.