I've been reading Mara Altman's "Thanks for Coming" over the past few days. It's a good train read, maybe even a good "sit in the bathtub and hide" read. I'm enjoying it more than I thought I would, even though there are some things at the start of the book I don't exactly agree with. It's her story. I can't argue with that. I identify with her words more and more as the book goes on. It's an interesting view. It's funny. It's refreshing.

I've thought over my own sexuality a bit more since I've started reading it. This isn't to say that I've been transformed by this memoir. We can all learn things from different sources. We can always take something new away from our experiences. It could be my own grief and frustration showing or it could be my stress. It could just be for the love of it - but I've been orgasming solo a lot more often lately. That would come up to being on average once every day or two. PMS wasn't too rough this month though I've felt stressed in general. My mind feels clear though my clit feels a bit numb today. It's possible I've just needed to get that energy flowing again. I used my Carnelian egg and from then on I've felt a bit more open in my sacral energies. Maybe open just means that I'm not ignoring them completely in this case.

Pleasure is good for you.

I still feel a little bad over having to do this alone. I still feel a little lonesome for not having someone willing to co-conspire in my orgasm. Perhaps it's better to say that I don't have someone I'm attracted to willing to co-conspire. The mouse and I are on a definite rock right now. We still haven't gone over the questions of what will be of our relationship. He wants to be hopeful and in my mind flashed "I want to be at the happy end, not the messy middle." Similar to my loc journey... The end result takes time. If he and I are going to work as an open relationship, or even a closed couple, it's going to take time. I know that in all of the other issues, my orgasms, or lack of, are mixed in.

He said he felt devastated when I told him that his usual techniques didn't satisfy me. He's been hung on that ever since. I would think that would be a cause to try and learn new things. There's an art to sex and seduction. It's not all "insert, pound, and stir however you like." He said that he had hopes to "bring something back" in terms of learning new ways to be a lover. It actually feels like he's completely skipping over whatever guidance I try to give. It seemed to work best when he JUST LISTENED to what I liked and actually tried it.

Men make women's orgasms their own... claim them as badges. Some of them do at least. It's upsetting. It's also slightly depressing. I didn't think I'd be with someone like that... or was... At the same time, it feels like he's given that up as well. It could be stress... it could be sensing my frustration. I remember the last few times left me feeling upset when I tried to honestly show enthusiasm. I remember the last few times feeling lonesome and letdown. Then I remember him going on to another person within days.

I don't know if he has been in these last few weeks. I don't really want to have sex with him either. Maybe, that's keypoint.

No trust, no love, no intimacy.

No pleasure = no orgasm.

I still wonder what my future holds in terms of my sexuality. I wonder where my own personal revolution will take me. I've got enough things mentally tied up that I don't know where I'll end up. I've got enough cobwebs and baggage.

Maybe, if I were more of a minimalist and more zen, I'd easier come. I'd easier go. I'd find that moment to float in space all the more simple to taste... to touch... Maybe, it would be all the more palpable when I wasn't alone and attached to a mouth.

They start deep. They build up and then overflow with a gush. They're like a volcano erupting or what causes a mushroom cloud to form. It's better to say that they're a geyser of water and fire.

He told me they look intense, not like anything he's seen before. My orgasms are large, powerful explosions. Maybe that's why it takes work and time to get them there. They're a release.

Maybe, they're tied to my nipples and my voice. I've had to stay silent. That in itself has always been frustrating. I've had to hold my voice in my throat, stifle my moans in a fist or a pillow. I've not been able to let them go - and perhaps that's stressful in itself. It's depriving my own voice. It's depriving a sense. It's denying the experience for the comfort of those surrounding...

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