Disconnected Dissonance

I'd like to preface this post by saying that I'm aware that many of the things I perceive are not true. I am also aware that the way I view myself is still evolving and my own self esteem has been low for so long that I feel like it's normal. I'd like to change that. I'm gradually rebuilding myself from within and hoping to fully love the finished product.

My physical body does not match my mental one. It boils down to that.

The mouse and I had a bit of a photoshoot yesterday. I wasn't very happy with the results. Then again, he doesn't usually take pictures of people and said right off that he's never done anything like that before. I don't mind having pictures taken of me, and actually felt a bit sexy yesterday. Normally, in photos, I look rather childish. I'm bubbly, bouncing around, goofy. I make faces. I burst with childish energy. Sexy normally just isn't it. So I moved, shook, shimmied, and arched. I bent over, backwards, crawled, and reclined. I petted myself a bit and let go sometimes a longing gaze.

The pictures were either ugly or honest. It could be a form of mirror image distortion. It could be a matter of just the angle I was viewed at. It could just be that the pictures were poorly taken or I'm just not used to seeing myself "head on".

He zeroed in on my vulva... I don't think she likes the way she looked. I thought of an elephant... or some animal. She didn't look "human" ... but she is still mine. I admire her petals when I take pictures or look in mirrors. But his pictures... somehow... don't feel right.

Out of all of yesterday's shoot, I only "like" one or two out of the batch. I don't really connect to any of them as being me.

I'm not as fit as I imagine myself to be. The pictures showed that in part. The fact that I can barely jog for more than a few yards shows that.

Also, comes to mind something I read out of an Easton/Hardy book... (I think it was "Radical Ecstasy") The concept of having a penis made of energy... While I embrace my vulva and the feelings she can bring, I felt my uterus tremble last night... but didn't orgasm until I visualized having a "phantom energy penis" of sorts. It's hard to explain. That felt right. As soon as I felt like "it" was being stimulated, I went over the edge almost immediately.

It's not a part of physical body but it is there in my mind.

I'm not going to try to rationalize all of this away. I would like to understand it a bit more, however.

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