The short of it - I had my first ejaculation during sex. I really don't know how it felt except for the fact that it happened.

This is the long.

I believe I've mentioned before that I've been reading more books about human sexuality. I've been reading more about female sexuality. I've been considering my own queerness and embracing it more outwardly though it's been there and confused inwardly. I've started considering how to express it more. I'm opening my mind... or at the very least attempting to. I'm also trying to make an attempt to just relax more and orgasm more often... even if it's being done solo.

Maybe, I've just come to terms with things... Maybe it's all just a reset and a rebuild.

The mouse and I had a "long" talk the other day... THAT long talk after the matter of the trust break. I put everything out that was on my mind and he did as well... or at least some of it. He got angry. He kicked a chair and held back a yell... then broke down into sobs. I told him of my fears, cried my own screaming sobs (or rather allowed myself too for a little while before choking them in my throat.

We came to terms and I laid down my boundary... boundaries... and then it was fine again. Somehow that feels like it fixed it all. He said he understood and that he'd try harder for us to see eye to eye. I followed with us already "understanding" one another - just not agreeing. And so, made my drawn line bold once more.

Then the next day I jumped him, we made out like teenagers for a little while, dry humped, and I got myself off. He asked for an okay to sex, I told him to get a condom, and then my knees touched my shoulders. Maybe I'd just been warmed up enough and I let him know I thought it might be possible for me to orgasm again if he kept it up at the angle he was at. I didn't feel anything but the resulting gush splattered against his abdomen and down my thighs. That might have been enough to set him off - actually. It's possible I was just too startled to realize it or completely feel the release. I found myself actually checking for his condom for a moment.

I felt relaxed but that's about it. My legs were shaky afterwards. I felt calm and giggly. I'm sure if we kept going I might have felt the thunderous orgasm with AF stimulation. Yet, I squirted for the first time in a long time... and I didn't expect it to happen. He seemed to have a bit of pride for bringing me to that point and has said as much as wanting to get me to do so again... he's teased a little too about having to wash the sheets more often if he's found out how to bring it out of me. I'm not against it.

It's possible that for all the love that's felt, I've reserved myself to think of him like a fuckbuddy. It was tender talking about "our future" ... though it's possible I don't completely believe in it even if it's what we both say we want.

I believe in my pleasure. The question is just how reliable it will be.

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