Other People and Their Time

I realize, something I sorely hate is being right about the negative qualities of others. Something I can't stand is having the feeling of someone not following through, and them proving that gut feeling correct.

I'd really like to believe in others, but when they behave that way, it makes it rather difficult to.

I'm learning to walk to my own drum beat in a more full way, but at the same time, it's hard seeing the mouse get let down. It's sobering feeling someone let you down, or let someone you care about down. It's annoying knowing that they've managed to hurt with their carelessness and then having to clean up the mess.

I could laugh about my prediction being correct, but it's not something to really be happy about.

As mentioned before, RC and YC were supposed to be visiting the mouse yesterday. I remember joking with YC probably not being able to see them because I had work - but to be sure to let me or the mouse know if they'd be by.  They made a date for yesterday and didn't keep it. I'd actually managed to switch my schedule around as a sort of a "surprise", and they only seemed vaguely remorseful after learning that I was there. All I get from this is finding them even less reliable and much less of a desire to do much of anything with them in the intimate terms.

The mouse was upset most of the night and I fired off my own string of blunt texts (that they may or may not get... or have simply ignored.) They've been texting with him off and on since then and we both  had our own share of sharp words. His were answered. Mine were a bit more cutting and concise.

The mouse told me later that he doesn't want to lose my respect if they come by later and the more erotic things happen between them. I said plainly that I feel they no longer deserve the privilege. It's possible it's all a difference in the way we both look at things. To me, to let them disrespect in such a way and then "call in a fuck" screams of a kind of desperation and doormat... They were both accountable but nothing said.

He has to make his choice as I have made my own... but if I think less of him or respect him less for his choice... I think I would if he takes them up on sex. Not for matters of him having sex with other people... but for a matter of self respect involved in it.

At least what is perceived...


Sleepy Sex (in passing)

I remember an arm around my side and the press of an erection between my butt cheeks.

We'd been silly and all out playful in bed. We made bad jokes and I curled onto my side laughing about some of them. He whined. I fondled him a little and said some of my "trademark horrible things in a sexy voice." And then I bent forward a bit in bed, pressing against his groin. He peeled my underwear to the side for a moment, I told him it wouldn't work and pulled them down.

He entered me sharply and I cursed, not out of pain but of pleasure.
"You're wet."
"I'm always wet."

And then I laughed a little before drawing a sharp breath and cursing again. He thrust his hips as we laid on our sides and he held up my leg.

"What was that?"
"Nothing... I just tend to curse when you're fucking me. Is that a problem?"

His answer was pushing in again a few times deeply.

The hour before had him giving me a spanking, though I know it was mostly out of me asking than him genuinely wanting to. He licked my pussy, though he admitted he loves oral, said he did it mostly out of my asking. He thrust even though he was sore and I pushed back against him, perhaps greedily, after having three orgasms already that day. I would say I would want more.  I rode him feeling a little numb and not much friction at all.

All of the feeling was in my still swollen lips and slightly hard clit against his belly.

The spanking was interesting, to say the least. He started slow... almost too slow... and I'd been sitting around with my nipples in a pair of suckers. He didn't eek of dominance or desire... just was very passive about it all.

Something as simple as that cooled the entire moment.

Perceiving desire and showing it is important. It being only one sided can be painful...

Feeling Like Something Is Missing

Something in my heart hurt and I've once again that feeling of things being not quite right. My sense of fairness feels a little like it's being teased. Also, I feel like my boundaries and patience are about to be pushed.

Recalling the couple RC and YC, they are to be in town again and an assumed visit for tomorrow afternoon. They were supposed to be meeting with the mouse last week and I spoke up to him regarding it... RC and her lack of initiation or communication... YC and his lack of sticking to plans when they're made... and last night I spoke of my not wanting to see him hurt... There's a possibility that my jealousy is also protective. It seems I get upset most when people seem to be trustworthy and at the same time give hints of not truly being so.

Remembering the last time we were all together about six months ago and how I felt more or less out of the loop. I can handle it all a bit better and told the mouse simply that it would be a matter of him going back to condoms with me. Then the news was broken that RC is now having strong feelings against her partner playing with any other females. As much as I didn't expect anything to happen, this all stinks of me being left on the outside again.  Of course, I could speak up. I could talk about fairness... but at the same time... I can understand where she's coming from as right now I don't want her to touch the mouse unprotected.  It stinks of double standard...

It reeks of it... and I don't like that one bit even though I probably wouldn't have been doing anything with YC anyway.

Then again, I could just give them all the death glare and ruin their time. (but that would be petty).

In a perfect world, they'd bring "home" my current crush with them. Then again... I guess it would be a matter of just how much I'd want to see him if I wanted to do it solo. Roundtrip of approximately fifty dollars... and we'd get tired of each other rather quickly, I'm sure, save the physical contact. This is where logic speaks up. Then again, if they brought him "home", there would still be the tension between him and his ex.

Scratch that.

It's possible that a lot of this feeling is realizing and acknowledging time marching on without much change from me. I want, dream, try... but there are few visible changes save my waistline. I'm watching people on a path that I'm not taking... much like someone on an overpass and strolling as the cars speed by hundreds of feet below.  I still don't see a husband and children in my future. I do see the possibility of a girlfriend or a wife... I'm just not so sure about a husband anymore.  I still lean towards a poly-tribe but I don't know how easy that will be... Married for the benefits? Yeah, possibly... if there are any benefits to be had.

I found a white droplet of the start of milk after playing with some suction cups and fantasizing about being hooked up to a milking machine. I have my own steps to walk. It all might end up being rather lonesome... but it will be mine.


"The heart knows what it wants..."

I'm a firm believer in us all having the answers to whatever comes our way, even if we may not realize it at the time.  Right now I'm having a case of knowing but just not being able to fulfill.

My heart aches. I want to get away from everyone and everything. I want to retreat and have some time in solitude to truly recuperate. There's no such place I can go do to that right now. I currently can't afford to drop everything and run, even though I'd like to...

And at the end of it, I want to be held by safe arms. I want to be pampered and doted upon... but not baby talked to. I want to be caressed as a woman, not talked to as a child. I want to lean on someone stable, for just a little while, just to be refreshed.

I want to be able to trust that my lovers will be honest with me... or even just one lover who honors me and loyal. I want to take a spiritual sexual journey... and to be able to go on it with someone I care about. I don't want to take such a trip alone, though I know it's possible.

I don't want to be LEFT alone... but if alone on my own terms.

It's not on my terms right now...


Twisting Dreams

My dreams before waking have felt odd lately... They've also had a vivid simplicity to them that could have hidden depths.

My subconscious is running wild or it's trying to tell me something.

I'm a firm believer that one can reach out and touch others on the dreamscape. The hard part is actually doing so. The lucid dreamers may try it but they don't necessarily succeed... that's my thought...

So I think that my dreams have been trying to reach my "soul mate". Then again, I could just be mentally acting out. I could be trying to find some kind of relaxation or relief. Perhaps it's little more than a dream.


Layered Longing

Everything feels amplified by my period.  Everything feels intensified. I do so love the pleasurably intense. (But I don't like a crushing crash...)

If I start peeling back the layers, something that stands out right now is "feeling undesirable" or "untouchable because of my period." I know that one or two people will perk up suddenly if I say that then respond saying that I'm "crazy"... but the proof is in the encounters themselves. Those same people will say in the next breath "You're right, it's a turn off because you're bleeding." That can be a little soul crushing. I say that fluid bonding is a huge deal and that's included in it... (Though that's not to say I wouldn't have period sex with a condom... it would likely make it a bit easier to clean up.)

The mouse... complains... and pouts... then says he feels guilty (as if to suddenly go into a state of "I feel bad, make me feel better." ) It doesn't help. I mentioned that it doesn't make me feel very hopeful for the future if for one week out of every month he doesn't want to be near me because I'm flowing red. It doesn't make me feel very desirable if for the day or two of my ovulation spotting - he is reluctant to get near me sexually. Considering how my cycle is now... there's a good chance there will be a small degree of blood at any given time. That's part of how my body works with its hormones. That's how a woman's body naturally works. It bleeds. I bleed.

And then it dawns on me that the one or two other female bodied persons that he's interested in having sex with no longer menstruate because they're on a steady stream of progesterone. I thought for a moment about taking some for the sake of my induction efforts. I grew against it remembering how dry and depressed I got from depo... how sore and tired my body gets as a whole and the migraines when the hormones drop. (Will be trying Motilium with herbal supplementation of Shatavari and Fenugreek. He likely won't like /that/ one bit either.)

I've felt more or less comfortable with myself save my desire to be milky and maybe just a little more tone so I don't have as many muscle aches from everyday tasks. It's strange how a natural condition and the view people have of it can strike your self esteem. No.. come to think of it... it's not strange at all. It's a blow to your being. Not being accepted for who and how you are can be crushing... especially if it's from someone who you treasure.

Perhaps, the feeling of being "safe" is gone - even as much as he says I make him like a protector. He doesn't do a very good job of protecting. He never really did but before there was at least a feeling of connection. There hasn't been much of that lately. There hasn't been much /time/ lately. I know I want more than watching him play video games or shows. Perhaps, the feeling of balance is gone... I know some of the things I do are for my comfort (like washing his linens or cooking up a meal to avoid eating takeout). They're things he benefits from but there is no thanks.

I think it all boils down to wanting to be appreciated and accepted.


Missing What You Never Had

It could just be a case of the "surreal" from a lack of sleep over the past few days... or maybe just the feeling of a change...  Things don't feel quite right anymore at a certain house. I feel a little as if I'm tempting drama by even considering it... but things don't feel right...

If I never mentioned it before, my current crush happens to be the ex-boyfriend of a friend... a long term boyfriend gone ex. I feel incredibly selfish for even considering it. At the same time I know it's the fact that I'm sexually attracted to this guy and very much horny. I'm learning new things and I'm wanting to try them out. I'm wanting to feel.

It's possible I'm still in a strong state of longing. It's possible I'm just in a sustained level of yearning.

They say a closed mouth doesn't get fed. Something I need to work on then is the matter of simply asking. I need to learn to ask for what I want. While I still would love to be in an ANR... I have a slight leaning towards breast and nipple torture ... (pinching and pulling only) . I could invest in another breast pump for the price I spend on a sex toy... My hands tend to hurt a lot after using a manual. Then again, I could just wait and see just how dedicated I am. Will marmet massage or will I forget about it all. If I can't stick to that - then why buy a pump?

Things don't feel right and maybe it's just my perception of what home really is. I miss the people who I identified with it... I miss a person that I indirectly adopted as family. Maybe I always had but never understood just what it was. Maybe I never really appreciated it.