Layered Longing

Everything feels amplified by my period.  Everything feels intensified. I do so love the pleasurably intense. (But I don't like a crushing crash...)

If I start peeling back the layers, something that stands out right now is "feeling undesirable" or "untouchable because of my period." I know that one or two people will perk up suddenly if I say that then respond saying that I'm "crazy"... but the proof is in the encounters themselves. Those same people will say in the next breath "You're right, it's a turn off because you're bleeding." That can be a little soul crushing. I say that fluid bonding is a huge deal and that's included in it... (Though that's not to say I wouldn't have period sex with a condom... it would likely make it a bit easier to clean up.)

The mouse... complains... and pouts... then says he feels guilty (as if to suddenly go into a state of "I feel bad, make me feel better." ) It doesn't help. I mentioned that it doesn't make me feel very hopeful for the future if for one week out of every month he doesn't want to be near me because I'm flowing red. It doesn't make me feel very desirable if for the day or two of my ovulation spotting - he is reluctant to get near me sexually. Considering how my cycle is now... there's a good chance there will be a small degree of blood at any given time. That's part of how my body works with its hormones. That's how a woman's body naturally works. It bleeds. I bleed.

And then it dawns on me that the one or two other female bodied persons that he's interested in having sex with no longer menstruate because they're on a steady stream of progesterone. I thought for a moment about taking some for the sake of my induction efforts. I grew against it remembering how dry and depressed I got from depo... how sore and tired my body gets as a whole and the migraines when the hormones drop. (Will be trying Motilium with herbal supplementation of Shatavari and Fenugreek. He likely won't like /that/ one bit either.)

I've felt more or less comfortable with myself save my desire to be milky and maybe just a little more tone so I don't have as many muscle aches from everyday tasks. It's strange how a natural condition and the view people have of it can strike your self esteem. No.. come to think of it... it's not strange at all. It's a blow to your being. Not being accepted for who and how you are can be crushing... especially if it's from someone who you treasure.

Perhaps, the feeling of being "safe" is gone - even as much as he says I make him like a protector. He doesn't do a very good job of protecting. He never really did but before there was at least a feeling of connection. There hasn't been much of that lately. There hasn't been much /time/ lately. I know I want more than watching him play video games or shows. Perhaps, the feeling of balance is gone... I know some of the things I do are for my comfort (like washing his linens or cooking up a meal to avoid eating takeout). They're things he benefits from but there is no thanks.

I think it all boils down to wanting to be appreciated and accepted.