Feeling Like Something Is Missing

Something in my heart hurt and I've once again that feeling of things being not quite right. My sense of fairness feels a little like it's being teased. Also, I feel like my boundaries and patience are about to be pushed.

Recalling the couple RC and YC, they are to be in town again and an assumed visit for tomorrow afternoon. They were supposed to be meeting with the mouse last week and I spoke up to him regarding it... RC and her lack of initiation or communication... YC and his lack of sticking to plans when they're made... and last night I spoke of my not wanting to see him hurt... There's a possibility that my jealousy is also protective. It seems I get upset most when people seem to be trustworthy and at the same time give hints of not truly being so.

Remembering the last time we were all together about six months ago and how I felt more or less out of the loop. I can handle it all a bit better and told the mouse simply that it would be a matter of him going back to condoms with me. Then the news was broken that RC is now having strong feelings against her partner playing with any other females. As much as I didn't expect anything to happen, this all stinks of me being left on the outside again.  Of course, I could speak up. I could talk about fairness... but at the same time... I can understand where she's coming from as right now I don't want her to touch the mouse unprotected.  It stinks of double standard...

It reeks of it... and I don't like that one bit even though I probably wouldn't have been doing anything with YC anyway.

Then again, I could just give them all the death glare and ruin their time. (but that would be petty).

In a perfect world, they'd bring "home" my current crush with them. Then again... I guess it would be a matter of just how much I'd want to see him if I wanted to do it solo. Roundtrip of approximately fifty dollars... and we'd get tired of each other rather quickly, I'm sure, save the physical contact. This is where logic speaks up. Then again, if they brought him "home", there would still be the tension between him and his ex.

Scratch that.

It's possible that a lot of this feeling is realizing and acknowledging time marching on without much change from me. I want, dream, try... but there are few visible changes save my waistline. I'm watching people on a path that I'm not taking... much like someone on an overpass and strolling as the cars speed by hundreds of feet below.  I still don't see a husband and children in my future. I do see the possibility of a girlfriend or a wife... I'm just not so sure about a husband anymore.  I still lean towards a poly-tribe but I don't know how easy that will be... Married for the benefits? Yeah, possibly... if there are any benefits to be had.

I found a white droplet of the start of milk after playing with some suction cups and fantasizing about being hooked up to a milking machine. I have my own steps to walk. It all might end up being rather lonesome... but it will be mine.

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