Wanting To Be Human

It's possible that most of my sexual release with a partner is tied into pain. True, I'm game for tenderness and cuddling. Pleasure as "pain" centers me, however. It brings me back into the moment. It's possible I just need a way to stay focused on the moment at hand.

Solo play isn't so hard. I can drift into fantasy, take my time, come back to it later if I no longer feel like it. I don't feel forced. Partner play, however, feels more like work sometimes. Maybe that's why I haven't been able to enjoy it as much. It's "work" to stay focused on my own power. It's "work" to stay in a role. It's "work" to play teacher and I really haven't felt like doing that much.

Maybe I'm a lazy sex partner when it comes to what I really want. Maybe I'm just THAT easy going that I can't even get to what I need. And so, "pain" brings me back.

I'm in need of a loving dominant. My succubus is burnt out. She is napping. Maybe she's closely linked to what in me I call "the cat". It's possible that just the kinkier side of me wants attention and in this, I can not focus.

Tracing my fingers along my sides, I feel more alive when it's rough. Maybe I'm addicted to the slight pain. Maybe I'm mixed on how I feel about it. It hurts and yet... it hurts and yet... I'm happy.

Pressure delights and I think I fed on his own smoldering control or slow losing of it. I need to see the passion there. I know this. It hasn't been. And so I dare with my eyes to tear off my clothes. So I dare with my lips to make me stop or submit. I brat... I feign resistance... and his reaction turns on more.

I possibly need most a controlled explosion much like the cap slowly being loosened on a bottle of soda. I need to feel that explosion... and for the combustion to be able to engulf me.

It's possible I need more than many can offer. It's possible I'm a glutton. It's possible also that he's just not in the shape or endurance to help bring me to that fulfillment... of health enough to not stay alert. I'd like to think it's not all an act. I'd like to think that it's not all a matter of trying to "prove differently" considering the last few times I've wanted to be sexually intimate and excuses of being too tired came up. (then "arranging" to play with someone else the next day) It leaves a bad taste in my mouth. But, at the same time it feels like he's trying in that department at least.

It would be easier if sex was off the table, but we're not at that point yet...

I think of how I'd love a proper spanking again... that rise... and how I might have to look for someone with enough stamina to keep up.

I need to be kind to my knees.



The salon visit was a bust. My locs have been "ruined". And, that's pretty much the last straw.

I feel myself in what feels like the middle of a full melt down. True, I could start my locs over again with a predefined GRID and bring that to a hair braiding place to get them retwisted in a way I want. I could chop off my hair (but I won't). Maybe it's just this terrible feeling of UGLY that's permeating. I know it's prob not as bad as I think it looks. It could just be that I'm unhappy with the situation and what happened to my hair was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. Maybe I'm just hurting over a lot of things... or mostly over Mr L... but still.

He who says he feels submissive to only me seemed to pick up on my mood right away... while he made an offering, it's not what I want... it's not what I need right now. Maybe it was because I put so much hope into MAYBE getting what I've been longing for from L that it stings... this disappointment. (then again, it's not like I've been having much sex anyway these days.) He wants me to dominate and use him. I want to be filled... felt... and desired. I want to be lusted over. I wanted L to DEVOUR me in the sexual sense... but also let loose some passion.

He joked about having a blowjob while he worked. I told him straight out that he could have had it if he'd played his cards right. That it wasn't something so impossible. And I felt ignored by his response. For all the talk, and flirting before hand, it turned out to be ONLY talk. I told him this. He said a "next visit I'll take more actual vacation and play time." He directed words to me as if there would be.

I told him I reserve the right to think of him as all talk until he proves otherwise.

Harsh but true? Maybe...

Still, I'm tired. The mouse picked up that much when I told him about the "nonconfrontation." He said it was passive aggressive but that he could tell I was fed up.

I am upset... I'm tired... I'm frustrated... and I don't want to be. I know it's mostly the feeling of being let down. It's mostly that feeling of being strung along and then left out in the cold.

There aren't any princes among the frogs... just a couple toads. (though the toads might take offense to that...)


"Kind of like waiting for the phone to ring..."

Feeling, once again, terribly out of sorts... and I know it's because a certain someone is in town. I remember him saying he wanted to hang out. I remember him saying he wanted to go see a movie. Maybe I should just get it through my head that he's all talk. Or, maybe it is that he's too shy.

No... perhaps just all talk.

I'm still tired of doing more for anyone than they would in return. I'm a little burned out on pursuing and would like to be earnestly pursued by someone I'm into, for a change. There's a part of me that's very iffy now on seeing him at all... Maybe it's my inner snark... my internal cat turning up her nose.

I don't deny I'm a little upset about it, but if he doesn't come by, I save a couple dollars. I bought some lingerie but it's not like I would have gotten some use out of it anyway... not with him... not this week (as he hasn't gotten his testing done and sure I could just hop on with condoms on but I don't feel too comfortable doing so.) Maybe, I just want more passion in general. Maybe, I just want to make out with that person who was so able to light a spark in me.

I act as if I don't care, but I do. I would like to go out to lunch or dinner... I would like to go on a date... and I'm so terribly irritable now because of all of this that it's not funny.

I've got a hair appointment mostly because I need it, but also because I wanted to look my best. I wanted to look some mix of cute and sexy. I'm wearing makeup again for the first time in a while... and now I'm managed to eat the dried skin off my lips. I wash my hair tonight in tea and maybe I'll feel better come morning. Maybe I'll be calmer even though I won't see him today.

So, I'd like someone who'd come when I call. (or at least say outright that they aren't coming and why...) There isn't anything wrong with that. There isn't ANYTHING wrong with wanting someone to be upfront with you.... and I know I should at this point just leave him alone or call him out on being all talk. There's only so much "checking back" one can stand.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours."

- Mary Schmich

I need to keep reminding myself of that. I need to keep telling myself that. I don't think I've been reckless. (or at least... I don't think I've been...)

I think I confronted him on this once before... Mr L... He apologized and said he was and had been tired. This was years ago... but I still remember that... I don't expect much. Maybe, I never will expect much from him. But that's okay. There are likely other souls out there I'm more attuned to. There are other souls out there I could probably be closer to. The fact that there was even a glint of a past doesn't mean that there is a future.

I would like more friends, however. I would like to spend an hour just kissing... ONLY kissing...

What self help, goal making, guidebook could give me that? The matter is true mutual attraction... if there ever was. The matter is finding someone who can spark up that smoldering passion that continues to burn long after the touch is gone.

Nobody's perfect, and I don't trust anybody who acts as if their partner is... that acts like the focus of their affection is. We're all flawed. He could just as easily be listing down reasons to not see me as I wonder if I'll hear from him after all this talk.

His idea... I flirted with it... and it does seem all talk.

So, I'll go home and wash my hair... maybe feel much better in the morning and then I'll hit the salon. I know I have a long day ahead even though it might feel a bit lonesome. Everyday feels like that lately.


Tension and Flow

My spine feels tied in knots. It's more of an "energy" based tension than a physical one. It doesn't hurt... I just feel stuck. It's a rather unsettling feeling and at the same time I know it comes from that feeling of "something isn't right."

I could go back to saying it's tied to myself life. My period started a few days early this month after having sex with the mouse... unsatisfying, "ok have to get myself off if I want to orgasm" sex... meek, mild-mannered, "he's only now moving because he wants to hump, and to hurry up and finish" sex. Nonexistent passion again... and that annoys me. It just about sickens.

Again, remembering a bit how he's been with others. Enthusiasm and it honestly feels like he's just throwing a bone... holding back... pulling away...

It's not about orgasm, or lack of... it's about effort. I could get myself off a thousand times but it seems he doesn't even try... stopped wanting to try... gave up on trying...

Thinking of period sex... it's a rare thing. He's put off a bit by blood but it's not as if he hasn't done it before. It's not as if we haven't had sex while I'm menstruating before. It's not as if he can't wash up or shower afterwards.

And I ramble... rant... and feel a meltdown coming...

I need to breathe. That's what I need to remember to do... breathe.

I didn't stand for not feeling wanted with ANA, my former. I made it clear I didn't want that distance and ended it. Funny... before the mouse and I started dating we talked about this... about not feeling wanted or desired.

I don't think I started pulling away or retreating until he started being with other people. I don't think he started being this way until I started to pull away. There's a part of me that wants to scream "Thanks for fucking it up." but I know it's not that... he's being true to himself... and I know that I still flirt away even though ... even though...

Part of me wants to say "if only you weren't so picky... ", but picky isn't a bad thing. Being selective isn't a bad thing. If only I was better at picking...

Writing for myself... I wonder if it was ever a good idea to have this blog public... I still doubt there are people out there reading... and if they are, they certainly aren't saying so. If they are, they're just sucking in my words to pass their time... their day... their... whatever it is.

I don't want to turn this inward. That rawness put to word is like a negative affirmation. But, I still want to scream.

Breathe... I need to breathe...

Mr L. will be flying in at the end of this week. I think it's Friday. For all his words, I don't really believe anything will happen. I don't believe there will be a lunch, or dinner date. I don't believe there will be cuddling or more. Then again, I don't think he really WANTS more... or from me a more. (I've said before that a prerequisite for sex with me is getting testing done or at least verified status. I know the "condoms every time" script...) I mentioned this to him... he never made the time.

I've said before that people who can't make the time to get themselves checked up aren't worth mine. I don't want more scares. I don't want to take the risk. I don't want someone else’s lax outlook to end up hurting me.

I'm tired of people who don't care. I'm tired of being attracted to people who don't care.

I'm tired of putting forth the effort and energy for people who won't do the same for me.


Everything I Can't Have

A few months ago (perhaps around last Halloween) I invested in a dildo marketed as "The Werewolf". Without going into my bit of a werewolf fetish, I know the toy is a case of eyes bigger than my stomach... er... orifices. "He" has 10 inches of "usable" length and a two inch base. The head is 9 inches around. (compared to the deliciousness of the NJoy 11 - which is 5.5 inches at the side that fits easily and 6.5 at the one that doesn't).

That alone makes this toy one for "Fantasy Only".

I named "him", River. In fantasy, River is a towering, toned, dirty blonde were. In a way, "he" is also named for Mr. L and imbued with the things it's possible no mortal man could give me.

My fantasies are still fertile even though I feel stagnant. My dreams still exist even though I'm not able to act on all of them...

Perhaps, my tendency to think about what I want and don't have (or what I need and am not getting) is stronger than I believe. Then again, it could be like hunger - gnawing with urgency. The heart pains could be just like the hunger pangs faced.

A satisfying fantasy is still a fantasy.