The salon visit was a bust. My locs have been "ruined". And, that's pretty much the last straw.
I feel myself in what feels like the middle of a full melt down. True, I could start my locs over again with a predefined GRID and bring that to a hair braiding place to get them retwisted in a way I want. I could chop off my hair (but I won't). Maybe it's just this terrible feeling of UGLY that's permeating. I know it's prob not as bad as I think it looks. It could just be that I'm unhappy with the situation and what happened to my hair was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. Maybe I'm just hurting over a lot of things... or mostly over Mr L... but still.
He who says he feels submissive to only me seemed to pick up on my mood right away... while he made an offering, it's not what I want... it's not what I need right now. Maybe it was because I put so much hope into MAYBE getting what I've been longing for from L that it stings... this disappointment. (then again, it's not like I've been having much sex anyway these days.) He wants me to dominate and use him. I want to be filled... felt... and desired. I want to be lusted over. I wanted L to DEVOUR me in the sexual sense... but also let loose some passion.
He joked about having a blowjob while he worked. I told him straight out that he could have had it if he'd played his cards right. That it wasn't something so impossible. And I felt ignored by his response. For all the talk, and flirting before hand, it turned out to be ONLY talk. I told him this. He said a "next visit I'll take more actual vacation and play time." He directed words to me as if there would be.
I told him I reserve the right to think of him as all talk until he proves otherwise.
Harsh but true? Maybe...
Still, I'm tired. The mouse picked up that much when I told him about the "nonconfrontation." He said it was passive aggressive but that he could tell I was fed up.
I am upset... I'm tired... I'm frustrated... and I don't want to be. I know it's mostly the feeling of being let down. It's mostly that feeling of being strung along and then left out in the cold.
There aren't any princes among the frogs... just a couple toads. (though the toads might take offense to that...)