No... perhaps just all talk.
I'm still tired of doing more for anyone than they would in return. I'm a little burned out on pursuing and would like to be earnestly pursued by someone I'm into, for a change. There's a part of me that's very iffy now on seeing him at all... Maybe it's my inner snark... my internal cat turning up her nose.
I don't deny I'm a little upset about it, but if he doesn't come by, I save a couple dollars. I bought some lingerie but it's not like I would have gotten some use out of it anyway... not with him... not this week (as he hasn't gotten his testing done and sure I could just hop on with condoms on but I don't feel too comfortable doing so.) Maybe, I just want more passion in general. Maybe, I just want to make out with that person who was so able to light a spark in me.
I act as if I don't care, but I do. I would like to go out to lunch or dinner... I would like to go on a date... and I'm so terribly irritable now because of all of this that it's not funny.
I've got a hair appointment mostly because I need it, but also because I wanted to look my best. I wanted to look some mix of cute and sexy. I'm wearing makeup again for the first time in a while... and now I'm managed to eat the dried skin off my lips. I wash my hair tonight in tea and maybe I'll feel better come morning. Maybe I'll be calmer even though I won't see him today.
So, I'd like someone who'd come when I call. (or at least say outright that they aren't coming and why...) There isn't anything wrong with that. There isn't ANYTHING wrong with wanting someone to be upfront with you.... and I know I should at this point just leave him alone or call him out on being all talk. There's only so much "checking back" one can stand.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours."
- Mary Schmich
I need to keep reminding myself of that. I need to keep telling myself that. I don't think I've been reckless. (or at least... I don't think I've been...)
I think I confronted him on this once before... Mr L... He apologized and said he was and had been tired. This was years ago... but I still remember that... I don't expect much. Maybe, I never will expect much from him. But that's okay. There are likely other souls out there I'm more attuned to. There are other souls out there I could probably be closer to. The fact that there was even a glint of a past doesn't mean that there is a future.
I would like more friends, however. I would like to spend an hour just kissing... ONLY kissing...
What self help, goal making, guidebook could give me that? The matter is true mutual attraction... if there ever was. The matter is finding someone who can spark up that smoldering passion that continues to burn long after the touch is gone.
Nobody's perfect, and I don't trust anybody who acts as if their partner is... that acts like the focus of their affection is. We're all flawed. He could just as easily be listing down reasons to not see me as I wonder if I'll hear from him after all this talk.
His idea... I flirted with it... and it does seem all talk.
So, I'll go home and wash my hair... maybe feel much better in the morning and then I'll hit the salon. I know I have a long day ahead even though it might feel a bit lonesome. Everyday feels like that lately.