It's possible that most of my sexual release with a partner is tied into pain. True, I'm game for tenderness and cuddling. Pleasure as "pain" centers me, however. It brings me back into the moment. It's possible I just need a way to stay focused on the moment at hand.
Solo play isn't so hard. I can drift into fantasy, take my time, come back to it later if I no longer feel like it. I don't feel forced. Partner play, however, feels more like work sometimes. Maybe that's why I haven't been able to enjoy it as much. It's "work" to stay focused on my own power. It's "work" to stay in a role. It's "work" to play teacher and I really haven't felt like doing that much.
Maybe I'm a lazy sex partner when it comes to what I really want. Maybe I'm just THAT easy going that I can't even get to what I need. And so, "pain" brings me back.
I'm in need of a loving dominant. My succubus is burnt out. She is napping. Maybe she's closely linked to what in me I call "the cat". It's possible that just the kinkier side of me wants attention and in this, I can not focus.
Tracing my fingers along my sides, I feel more alive when it's rough. Maybe I'm addicted to the slight pain. Maybe I'm mixed on how I feel about it. It hurts and yet... it hurts and yet... I'm happy.
Pressure delights and I think I fed on his own smoldering control or slow losing of it. I need to see the passion there. I know this. It hasn't been. And so I dare with my eyes to tear off my clothes. So I dare with my lips to make me stop or submit. I brat... I feign resistance... and his reaction turns on more.
I possibly need most a controlled explosion much like the cap slowly being loosened on a bottle of soda. I need to feel that explosion... and for the combustion to be able to engulf me.
It's possible I need more than many can offer. It's possible I'm a glutton. It's possible also that he's just not in the shape or endurance to help bring me to that fulfillment... of health enough to not stay alert. I'd like to think it's not all an act. I'd like to think that it's not all a matter of trying to "prove differently" considering the last few times I've wanted to be sexually intimate and excuses of being too tired came up. (then "arranging" to play with someone else the next day) It leaves a bad taste in my mouth. But, at the same time it feels like he's trying in that department at least.
It would be easier if sex was off the table, but we're not at that point yet...
I think of how I'd love a proper spanking again... that rise... and how I might have to look for someone with enough stamina to keep up.
I need to be kind to my knees.