Leaving Me Restless

Maybe it's because it's spring... maybe it's because I'm coming into my peek... maybe it's all the sex books I've been reading and trying to learn from... and maybe it's just that I've just been taking my vitamins again.

I've been terribly horny to the point of being insatiable.

It could be that one of my friends/friends of friend/boyfriend of friend is in the hospital and I'm getting a reminder of how short life is. It could morbidly be because they've been attracted to me for a while yet and has made it known that they wouldn't mind doing more than just cuddle up. (All things in the open, their partner knows. The mouse knows. I just haven't done anything with it because I'm a picky slow moving git(?))

It's possible I just want to feel more alive. It's possible I just want to be thrown around a bit and bitten. It's possible I just want to be explored and thrilled.

Or, I'm just restless...

Things have been rather stagnant around these parts and I would like things to be moved and shaken. I'm still worried about my financial future but there's still that base level on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. I could rearrange some of those things quite a bit.

Lower needs... lower chakras... my core... my root. I'm not feeling stable and as such I'm restless... As much as I love to fly, I need a bit of grounding and stability.



My mind is a little out of place. I've been thinking a lot about trans issues today. I've been considering my place in the gender/sexuality spectrum and have "settled" on the fact that I'm fluid.

I'm also nursing a panic attack that wants to claim me.

Queer... switch with the boys and bois, strictly top with the girls and grrls.

So, what of the trans? It makes me feel a little like a hypocrite, but I guess in that state it's more a matter of who it is I'm with. In that state... I don't see myself submitting to another woman, even though I love and appreciate the female form. I wouldn't be a very good top from the bottom. I might direct but still be very much "in charge".

I'm not an aggressive... I'm not exactly butch... and all this think about labels does little more than frustrate and confuse me.

It feels exclusive.

The labels make me feel lonely.

It's interesting how all the words out there to define what you "are" also puts up a line on what you "are not". Perhaps, it's my own scrambled condition, but it builds walls while making little groups.

Vein diagrams and fences...

Queer is a catch all but what does it really mean?

I like femmes... but not super "girly"... not airheads... feminine with brains... emotional and intellectual depth. Smart females tend to be feminists. Then there's the talk about how a "real feminist" wouldn't be into such things... which I know is absolute bull...

I'm full of so many so called contradictions. It's a little frustrating to me sometimes.

Maybe, it's just the looming panic attack that being kept barely at bay - but I'm scared shitless right now about just how well I fit with others and finding others who fit with me.



I have a cold sore.
It's living on the right corner of my mouth.

I know it's no big deal and all part of the fact that I've got "the face herpes"... and I have to suffer through it. It's been quite the pain, however. It's amazing how an open sore on your face can make you feel so vilified... so horrific. It can certainly strike at your self esteem.

It's only a cold sore... it's only a tiny blemish that hurts when I talk or open my mouth to eat.

It's going to heal. I just have to remember that. The downside is that it makes me feel unattractive and unable to kiss as much as I'd want to.

Your body has a way of telling you when you need to slow down. Maybe this is a little of that. I need to slow down and take care of myself for a little while. I need to watch my diet and my exercise. I need to be mindful of my stress levels.

All else will follow.