Labels

My mind is a little out of place. I've been thinking a lot about trans issues today. I've been considering my place in the gender/sexuality spectrum and have "settled" on the fact that I'm fluid.

I'm also nursing a panic attack that wants to claim me.

Queer... switch with the boys and bois, strictly top with the girls and grrls.

So, what of the trans? It makes me feel a little like a hypocrite, but I guess in that state it's more a matter of who it is I'm with. In that state... I don't see myself submitting to another woman, even though I love and appreciate the female form. I wouldn't be a very good top from the bottom. I might direct but still be very much "in charge".

I'm not an aggressive... I'm not exactly butch... and all this think about labels does little more than frustrate and confuse me.

It feels exclusive.

The labels make me feel lonely.

It's interesting how all the words out there to define what you "are" also puts up a line on what you "are not". Perhaps, it's my own scrambled condition, but it builds walls while making little groups.

Vein diagrams and fences...

Queer is a catch all but what does it really mean?

I like femmes... but not super "girly"... not airheads... feminine with brains... emotional and intellectual depth. Smart females tend to be feminists. Then there's the talk about how a "real feminist" wouldn't be into such things... which I know is absolute bull...

I'm full of so many so called contradictions. It's a little frustrating to me sometimes.

Maybe, it's just the looming panic attack that being kept barely at bay - but I'm scared shitless right now about just how well I fit with others and finding others who fit with me.