Unexpected Revelations

It’s not that I don’t think people I know are kinky. It’s a bit of a surprise, however, to hear them talk about their kinks or find them on certain kinky websites. The very fact that I see them and all the things they’re into is like throwing a rift into reality. The result is a sort of mind bending akin to finding your parent’s sex toys.

It feels odd to find out that people you know are into the same kind of deviance as you are… however fun it is to indulge in. It’s weird and bizarre and strange… but it’s true as much as you are into those things and they might react in a similar way.

Finding out someone you know also wants to lactate one day without having any children…
That someone you know is secretly fantasizing about you dominating them…
That someone out there you know is into the kind of kinks that make your blood crawl and curdle… sometimes in the good way and others in a way that can arouse fight or flight.
There’s finding out you know swingers, spankers, and prolific suckers hiding behind masks of the “mundane”.

It’s strange to me but at the same time all too real.

And then comes the temptation to run with this new found knowledge and see where it takes you.


Maybe A Little Bit of A Mean Streak

I sat on the bus home tonight and a small smile crept across my face with the idea of ruining the mouse’s orgasm as a form of punishment. I’m sure it’s been done before. It’s possible that the use of a ruined orgasm has been utilized to put someone back in their “place”. However, I can’t help but think that it could backfire on me just as easily.

I thought of taping/typing his wrists to his shoulders… or maybe binding his arms near the elbow at a bend. He’d be able to move his arms up and down to get more comfortable but not be able to get himself off while I have my way with him and then ruin his orgasm. I’d tease him for a long time then leave him alone. Blue balling wouldn’t be the goal but more a gentle punishment. To give so much pleasure and then stop it suddenly at the peak… to make him ejaculate with an almost anguished dribble... Maybe it’s a bit mean of me but a smile curls onto my lips even now considering that.

Of course, that might be just a beginning…

I think I remember ruining an orgasm before for him though not on purpose. I was riding him. I remember the fishlike gasps he made while pleading for me to wait and slow down. Maybe he wanted to go longer. Maybe, I milked the cum out of him. The expression was priceless, however.

I want to see that face again.


Subtle Declarations of Pride

I like my jewelry very delicate and silver. I like hints of bright color in my eye makeup. I wear neutral colors.
A pride flag in its full saturated glory just would not go with my style. It just wouldn’t.

True, I personally identify myself as Queer but at the same time will tell people I’ve met that I’m Bisexual. My sense of interest in others in terms of sexual attraction is quite fluid. I don’t care if someone has a penis or a vagina as long as it’s not leaking pus or bleeding. So how do I reflect my colors… as it were…?

I love the pink/purple/blue of the bi-flag and have been trying to think of ways to work it into my everyday look. Earrings are hard to find or a bit clunky and loud if I do. The rainbow is everywhere but the Bi flag a bit more of a challenge. I still want it to be out there. I want to display without it being gaudy or clashing.

A possible solution has been found in sheer glitter nail polish. I have five fingers on each hand. Pink on the thumb, blue on the pinky, and somewhere in the middle depending on how I’m feeling that day. It’s fluid. It’s subtle. It could also be considered an advertisement of my particular mood if someone knows what to look for.

How would ANYBODY know what to look for?


On (Lacking) Happy Sex

Maybe it’s a little silly the way it hit me this afternoon on the way to work. I’ve said before that I’m severely lacking lately in the sex department and that one of my favorite things to do is have “happy sex”. (ok, maybe I haven’t said it outright before in this blog but that is the case personally.” Then the words flashed in my mind, “You can’t have happy sex if you’re not happy with yourself, your partner, or the sex.”

Pretty obvious, isn’t it?

I can have quite satisfying orgasms all on my own if I have enough time to relax and unwind. I had two this morning after about 45 minutes of play. Even now I’m feeling a bit horny but I feel a cringe at the thought of doing so with my boyfriend. Gee, I wonder why.

We had a bit of an argument last night after I admitted that while I still have some desire for him, I feel guarded around him as well (considering some of his reactions to what I want in the moment and some distance considering some of his behavior with others.) It’s a downward spiral, really. I try to protect my feelings with intimacy because he reacts badly to the things that really turn me on (or is for the most part disappointing with his performance.) He pulls away because I’m so “distant” while protecting myself and turns his attention elsewhere. I close up more because he’s looking elsewhere. It’s a bit unnatural to expect someone to open up completely when the trust is damaged and the feeling of safety is gone.

The respect is possibly melting away as well. I have a lean towards the new age and metaphysical. If I share some ideas with him or readings he complains instead of seeing what it is he can draw from it. He complains that doing more than what feels like a cursory touch to see if the pool is warm is “too much work.” Some of his talk at times drips with the tone of anything more than his pleasure being too much work. His actions in the bedroom do the same. He doesn’t listen or act on the answer when he asks “What can I do?” He takes offense to me taking care of things myself with toys or the idea of bringing them into the bedroom. It doesn’t have to be kinky but it would help if it was enjoyable and satisfying. It would help if it didn’t feel like acting or a chore.

It would help if it didn’t matter when I said I didn’t feel like it… if it wasn’t taken as an attack on his masculinity or his sexual prowess. The pouting kills me. It’s poisonous.

I found an article not long ago and the words ring so true in my ears it almost hurts.
The LEAST interesting thing in the world to [some people] is a [significant other] who doesn't understand how to be a lover. A [person] mostly says "No" to a [S/O] who isn't a lover. Conversely, a [person] says "Yes"...A LOT...to a [S/O] who IS a lover. In fact, a [partner] will frequently ask [zher mate] for sex IF [they’re] a lover.
- Calle Zorro
(Yes, I make things awkward with blockquotes and trying to make things gender neutral.) Then I think he’s made himself less and less of a lover to me through his actions. He’s still a friend. He’s still someone I care about in my mixture of love/hatebutreallylove. But, is he still my lover?

It isn’t that I’ve grown bored with what people call “vanilla sex”. I’ve just grown tired of HIS particular form of unsatisfying “vanilla”. Done right, bare bones no frills sex is great. I’m sure nobody would argue with that.


Somewhere Between Self-Expression and Self Mutilation

I’ve been considering reopening my ear piercings and getting some new “holes installed”. My body is prone to keloids. Getting a new piercing would likely result in keloids. This, I do not like.

I don’t there has been a time that I haven’t thought about getting my nipples, labia, or clit pierced. I like the look of slightly gauged tunnels and thick, flat studs. I enjoy a subtle shine and shimmer. Then I discovered that I keloid. From a simple ear piercing I had a growth removed twice. I discovered induced lactation. Piercings can interfere with that.

And then my mind plays with the idea of play piercing. It’s not as messy or bloody as knife play. Nope, not as much risk of slicing open a vein if you’re only gently pricking the surface of the skin… And, then I question, “why?”… I don’t like getting needle sticks at all! When I think of it SERIOUSLY, I recoil in a sort of “Oh NO!” and retreat. I don’t like needles. I like the look of some healed piercings. But I don’t like needles.
So am I thinking of sticking implements into my flesh because of depression run rampant or anger? Is this just another phase of self destruction like my first “serious” boyfriend? Am I just feeling rebellious and outlandish?

I think it may be time for some more soul searching. I’m not so impulsive as to do such exciting things as chop off my hair or get a tattoo.


Looking for Fireworks

I borrowed my friend's husky for a 4.5 mile walk last night. It was in the mid 90's in regards to temperature and I think that I may have tired the pup out... (or he was just as hot as I was by the time I got back). I may have needed the walk as much as he did. While I asked the mouse to come along with me, I'm kind glad he didn't. A dog doesn't complain about a nice walk/run. A dog doesn't fuss because there are "too many bugs." True, they let you know in their own way when they've had enough but usually they're happy for the run.

Looking for fireworks helped me clear my head.
There weren't many but I was fine with that. I needed the air. I needed the space.

I've been feeling rather asexual lately (along with a bit unsexy and a tad antisocial.) The mouse looks as good as he ever did but I don't feel attracted to him. Maybe, it's a bit of reevaluating my emotions but right now not feeling very in love with him either. There's a bit of attachment still there and it's possible it's all the aftermath of an argument that hasn't completely faded away.

This is not the sex life I wanted.
This is not the sex life I want.
This is not the sex life I want to continue to have.

Maybe it was a little bit of wanting some closeness... It's possible it was also seeing if I could excite myself into the moment. It all ended up being a rather "fake" and unstimulating threeway. Quite a jump, right? The guys seemed to certainly enjoy themselves, however. I feel a little antsy and more unwilling to have any form of sexual intercourse with my mate now. Something about how he carries himself gives off the vibe of being an opportunist only there for the moment.

"This is what you wanted, wasn't it?" "You liked it, didn't you?" "You didn't do it half hearted, did you?"
And me the liar.

A rub… being discovered in the act and the mutual friend of ours cuddling into the moment... The mouse put me on the spot saying that I didn't feel attractive lately. As if the approval of someone else is enough to make one feel better or more attractive. It was almost enough to make me want to stop. "She's crazy." Right... something to say to someone sucking your dick. Something to say because you're too shy to say what you want on your own... I paused and the friend dozed for a moment. Only a moment passed and then they gently started nudging their genitals in my line of sight and hand as I kept sucking off my boyfriend. I pet to the leg... a rub... a nudge... I put my hand over with a pause without touching and he pressed against my palm. And then the boredom on my part started. They certainly seemed to enjoy it. They both orgasmed rather quickly. The mouse was calling me almost with pleading by a pet name as I made him twitch. The friend under a blush and gasp while sucking my breasts idly and being worked on my mouse.

I'm sure it sounded hot - but it wasn't. It was the most pedestrian moment I've had in a while... and I hated it. For me it was almost painfully boring and totally unstimulating. This is what happens when your mind isn't in it.

I washed the sheets and pillow cases after all was done and the friend's underwear because they didn't have a spare pair with them.

Feeling less sexy than ever... and that's not a good thing.
Shutting down...