It's one of those days where I feel slightly haunted by a memory... or maybe just a fantasy.
My last few nights have been spent sleeping half nude while cocooned in a pile of disheveled sheets and blankets. They stink a little of my underarm perspiration but I'm not against that. I just have to pull my head out of the "sand" when I'm tired of my suffocated scent.
There's been a bit of mental lingering over the past few days and it could be said to have been triggered by a dream. Mr L. has managed to bubble up in my subconscious a bit more as of late. It's a bit frustrating as I can't get him out of my head but we haven't spoken lately. I've passed a link or a joke now and then. He doesn't respond, nor should he.
Even so, I had a dream replaying portions of a memory with him the other night... I'd done some light meditation and this bubbled to the surface. I remembered him dozing off for a moment in my lap as I stroked his hair. The memory was fresh, raw, and vivid even. It was one of those dreams where I could feel what was going on. There was a press of flesh, a tease, and coitus interrupted before it began. I remember that much and then wonder what would or could have been between us.
Maybe the world is more simple than I think. Maybe we can reach out with our minds. Maybe the power of attraction is in action. Maybe there are fields where thoughts and energies pass and touch those we miss most. Maybe hearts do call out to one another in the dreamscape.
As I wrote he said hello...
I admit my frustration. I admit to wanting to be on the receiving end of an erotic massage. I admit I want confident, gentle, feel good , skin to skin contact. Then I remember the only people who have been able to ignite that fire in me with a massage were Mr L and my former... It's depressing. Then again it could be as simple as me opening up to them and laying myself bare. It could be as simple as exposing myself and being happy with the moment. It could be as simple as me being attracted to them head over heels and just as enthusiastic to pounce around them in a puppyish way. That might be the most frustrating part. I want to feel that again with another person. I want to be touched the way I touch others. I want to feel what "they" say they feel when I reach out to them... The question is when.