Perhaps I’ll take on a title like “The Boredom of the Cat.” I’m filled with a bit of unease… fuss… unsettled emotions… and I know that as I write there isn’t anybody who is truly listening. There is my blog but I don’t exactly have readers… or it feels as such. I don’t write often anyway but that’s something that might change in the near future.
Thinking of Anna Nalick’s “Breathe (2 am) and wanting to listen to it… wanting to sing and scream it out because it feels true. Well, mostly the third stanza. These words are kind of just bursting forth when I need to release. They’re let out so I don’t explode in the emotions even if they come out sounding a bit dry… powdered to dust.
And then I think of the young man I crushed on for three years, maybe more. I think of the boyfriend of six years that I say so casually “It was nice then – oh well.” Everyone has their issues and these two had plenty. But of the crush I called so affectionately and secretly “L”, he struck a fire in me like no one else.
Maybe that’s what fire signs do to one another…
Of the boyfriend of years who I left when I felt no longer myself and more sadness than any other emotion in his presence, he struck a fire in me too.
Maybe that’s what fire signs do… to one another.
Of the lovers and near lovers I’ve had before… they are all so many things the mouse is not… and perhaps that’s something that’s pushing me away. I’m no longer excited. I’m no longer as attracted and his actions are doing more repelling than drawing in. They say you know when someone is no longer right for you when you start feeling that way... thinking more about their fit to you than yours to them. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I do know that I miss having a confident lover… someone who’s truly confident and self assured and not just putting up a mask. I can understand and except sharing the moments of weakness, but when those times are more often than not...
I don’t know.
It wears on me and I don’t want to be a mother to a grown man. I don’t want to be a lover to someone who’s still an emotional child. (A childlike spirit is different from an emotional child. I’m sure you all know the difference.)
Perhaps this part of his character is really what is repelling me… not the people he wants to sleep with. Perhaps not.