Touch

I'm far too possessive of people I have no business being possessive over. This is boils down to.

The weekend was/is a bit of a blur save wanting to make out a lot and have lots of sex. I had none of the sort. Sure, on arrival at the function, the mouse and I were able to slip away and he let loose with a bit of back scratching, growling, and finishing before I even fully began.  All the moment did was make me even more sexually frustrated than I began.

I admit, I wanted lots of sex and one on one time. I wanted lots of touch and cuddles. What did I get?

I got a drunk friend, the lactophile, slipping a little tongue with a kiss on the lips. (he never kisses to begin with... )  I got another friend who I playfully called for "debauchery" with, that ended up getting a closed mouth grandma kiss.  I got to give someone a massage and then made to feel bad about it.  I got limits, loneliness, stress, and tears discovered while I tried to retreat unseen.  I got the mouse feeling "weird" when I tried to verbally joke about lowering inhibitions... (the joke being that I HATE that kind of behavior...  booze fueled "intimacies"... I'm a consent junkie after all.)

I remember telling the mouse that I wanted to at least try to be more sensual... learn to flirt properly... and then pointed out that people at least take him seriously. Many times it feels like I'm viewed as a sort of comic relief, cute,  adult-child. For however playful, or puppyish I get, I feel like my sensuality isn't even noticed... and so I just eat it up when it's complimented or I'm able to harness it.

In all honesty, being with the mouse hasn't helped my sexual side even if I've discovered more about it. I haven't been able to act completely or develop it.

So, it hits me now... I think I've got a crush... a bad one... I haven't had one in ages. (or at least since Mr L.) Maybe it's just the attraction to this person and their qualities, maybe it's just that they have a body type that's pleasing to my eyes.

And maybe I've an inclination to become a fallback girl ... even though I don't want to be.

Or, it could be that for as attracted as I am to him, he won't be as emotionally available as I'd like... remembering his ex... yes, I know his former partner that seems to be an on again off again thing... Given I was never looking to "hook up." I don't think I'd be happy in the long run with him, but for the matter of something purely physical...

I don't think I can do a purely physical hookup.  I don't think I can do a one night stand.  But, playful flirting I can do, yes (as long as I'm getting some touch and flirt love in return).  But, cuddles I can do, yes (just let me have time to eat them up).

Yes... it's a kiss of a crush... a touch of NRE or limerance... and I'm far too possessive of  people I have no business worrying about. He's not going to be monogamous... then again, I'm likely not going to be either in the end. My matter is having closed circles that while can expand, stay closed as it does. Not come and go but staying within the circle. Something like that.

He did ask if I was okay... a couple times even.  I did feel a bit ashamed. He was the last person I wanted to see at that moment. I do hide when vulnerable...  and I don't cry easily in public. (or at the very least I try not to). I did downplay it.

"Ugly Duckling" fits perfectly...
Painfully, perfectly...

I appreciate the care even though I don't see it much from others but the mouse... even though the mouse seems to be mostly trying but not succeeding. There was a bit of that strange "safe" feeling... but perhaps it's mixed in with knowing his sense of duty, loyalty, and responsibility. I can support that.  A sexual sub but still a leader... maybe tempered and polished by the things he's faced... and here I am wondering and being a marshmallow... (I'm not a marshmallow but just busy feeling sorry for myself. THAT is understood.)