Something Like Solitare

I admit it... I feel terribly lonesome these days. There's a strange, almost stinging feeling passing through me and I know it's in part because of him. It's mostly because of him. It's mostly because of the way we are. And it's because of the way I choose to deal with things.

Typically, I visit the mouse on Thursdays and every other weekend to do whatever it is we do. On Thursdays, we usually head out a few miles to hang out with friends and I get a ride home. The weekends are an attempt to spend time with one another as we haven't been able to go on a proper "date" since he moved a year and a half ago. This week, not so much.

I think it all has just overloaded my limits lately. Too many people too quickly... Too many "new" people too quickly... in my eyes at least. He'd argue that none of them really are that new. That they've been around for a while... but still very new in terms of sexual relationships it is. There haven't been that many encounters but it's been enough... A few times in a week.

Yes, I'm a bit upset over that still.

It's possible I've never gone back to trusting him completely since an event he called bad judgment. It's possible I'm less and less inclined to want to be sexually intimate with him considering I still don't want to share him... that it actually hurts if I'm not there and involved... that I'm more likely to be repelled. Let's not forget the fact that it's been mostly unsatisfying.

Maybe I'm the one who's become emotionally distant just for the sake of trying to save my own heart. I think that might be the case. I feel ill thinking of it all.

For "all" the relationships I'm in, I'm still starving. In terms of touch, affection, longing, adoration, stimulation... I'm emaciated.

I'm feeling alone.

We're talking and it comes up that he dreads telling me about how his encounters have gone... that the happier he is with them, the more negative the effect it has on me. He dreads it, and I feel ill. I told him about how I have felt unsatisfied sexually, and how it hurts a little when he goes off just because it feels as if he doesn't want to try, or has found it tiresome. I don't think he understands that part...

I've called myself insatiable. I don't think that's changed. If I get in the mood or flow I can just keep going for a while. I don't stop unless I am stopped. I've been stopped far too much, maybe, and long before I've reached satisfaction. He's checked out before then. There's the part of me that wants to give up completely... throw in the towel and just move on... call the sexual relationship between him and I a complete bust. I honestly do not know what to do anymore.

I don't know what to do anymore...

Heart hurts thinking of being near him... maybe I'm already shattered... maybe a long time broken but just trying to hide the cracks.

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