Begging Is A Soft Limit

A few songs have been floating about my mind the past couple days with all that's gone on... they all have a sentiment of "Ain't too proud to beg." either implicitly or explicitly. Maybe it's just the things that have been going on that are pushing that in mind.

Head is currently floating in a cloud of Palo Santo and Vitex. The Palo Santo was spilled and now I have a headache. I'm also not able to think very straight but in this cloud of wood and sacred berries, there are still so many things that I want to get out. There are so many thoughts that are meshing together that I want to both record before they drift away, and release before I explode.

Perhaps I'm just too easily distracted. Perhaps, I'm too much of a "girl" at heart.

It has been an interesting few days to say the least. It could just be that I'm not happy with the way it goes.

A mutual friend of ours came over to visit again, the couple mentioned before. Their afternoon visit turned into a three day one. I ended up staying out of work as well in a rather irresponsible way. Perhaps it was in part because I didn't get much sleep those nights, or perhaps just not wanting to leave them alone and "unwatched". I was told later by one of the mouse's house mates that all of this "sexy nonsense" started when I'd gone to bed on New Year's night. And so I here and sit and seethe a bit... And so I am...

That first night while we laid in our own respective beds, after a few laughs, him telling me quietly that he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me - the couple eased their way over to where we laid. It was comfortably innocent at that point even though I was topless in the dark for the sake of staying cool. I really wasn't looking for anything of a sexual nature to happen. There was a lot of rolling around to get comfortable. We joked... and then the M of the couple (I guess I could introduce him as YC and her as RC...) dove into his lady's pants and proceeded to start fingering her. She whined and fussed a bit. He fondled and she "melted".

(And there's a part of me that screams "no" on how THAT happened, but every couple has their own dynamic...)

I lightly rubbed at the mouse and he seemed to get sucked into the scene, watching. I sat at the edge of the bed and before my eyes he took to making out with her. I don't know if he asked. I don't know if she leaned in and he just took the chance. I'm not sure what happened at that end of the bed in their hushed tones but he was making out with her while she was now being rather furiously fingerfucked.

Mixed feelings on this. On the outside it's a "beautiful scene" but I had a bit of a conflict there. Perhaps, it's my own selfish way of wanting to be more involved. It could just be me not wanting to share his body. I didn't want to share him. I still don't like sharing him... in the manner of not getting attention at the same time and only acting.

So, I ruined his orgasm.

He didn't say as much, just that he hurt and was still horny in the morning. "At least it's still mine." my logic says. Not very nice, but I did it. I pressed my thumb down good and hard just as I felt it start to bubble up in him. I think I timed it just in time. I felt his cock twitch as it tried to spurt and held it fast as it throbbed. Maybe it cried as he did... a hiss almost. My own subtle "revenge" that was not. When I lifted my thumb and let go, it all came down with a pathetic dribble. And I thought it delicious. A few rubs were given and he commented that it hurt. (I feel my mean streak come up with post-ruined-orgasm-cock-torture ... disguised under what looks like a loving lick, stroke, or squeeze...)

Even so, I'm not very good with sharing. I climbed out of bed after the others fell asleep and made my way to the living room to sit and try to think. That turned to sitting, thinking, and gulping back a few tears. That turned to waving a hand backward in the dark as one of the other housemates came out and found me there. I think I consider this good friend of mine a wonderful support. Then again, I try to give them the same. He and I have the same kind of lingering jealousy and possessiveness, while at the same time wanting the partner to enjoy themselves... at the same time wanting other things and to explore. Just the hug, a few laughs, and cuddles made things a bit better. (Though I didn't care too much for the liquor.)

I stole away another moment with the mouse saying simply in his ear that we didn't have enough private time. I drained an orgasm out of him and then the rest of the evening, even the next group session, seemed more of a blur. I do remember talking with him and reminding him that I don't like being left alone. I let him know what upset me and why. We "made up".

And then was the group session. YC went down on RC. I politely asked with a "may I" approaching her breasts and she said yes. (Hers are bigger and larger nipples but I consider mine superior because they aren't like balloons and I have nicer and more visible areole. It's okay to be vain!) The mouse made out with her a bit more and I stroked him. That girl was more or less the center of attention. And all the while I sat in action thinking "Do EITHER of them really know what they're doing." Maybe more of my vanity, but she seemed to yelp, sigh, and moan when I did whatever it was I did.

A bit of genital massage without insertion was given to her. She’s got a cute, fat, pussy with an almost invisible clit. Maybe I'm just a little biased from knowing what my own looks like. Then some clit massage. Then she got a bit shaky and orgasmed. The mouse said it was really hot to see.

From there I deep throated him a bit. He got hard again and we went back and forth between me riding him and him humping me just for the pleasurable feeling. Meanwhile RC and YC went through a couple condoms trying for a "proper" round. YC orgasmed rather quickly and he said it was more a matter of all the mental stimulation he'd been getting by watching and tending to her.

I was okay with all of this.

The bad mood came the next day when the mouse started on RC again... diving a finger in and making out. I'd started the morning with a sly lick and a smile. He departed. Then to her. I consider that rather foul. Tried to think of it as "oh he's just a little dense... or just dosesn't get it". Foul... just plain foul...

I clawed at his backside a bit and then hovered over with a "hey", finally requesting he go down on me. It seemed to be out of duty. The scene, again, could have been rather hot to the outside eye but I was still a tempest. I'm still a bit of a tempest. So I left the room. I took a shower, and apparently it was enough of a stir and myself so transparent that they all wondered if I was mad at them.

I hated the feeling of having to push my way in for attention. Yes, I know, it's all new. But honestly, I felt like a heel.

The mouse and I half argued later and he said he felt sorry... that he could see I was upset. I asked him not to dick her but hey... it's only a matter of time. They're visiting him again tomorrow. I'm going over today just for some hanging out with the general house... and still... I wonder how that will turn out.

He says he's waiting for me because of all the things I said. Yet, I don't know if I'll be willing or comfortable at this point. Things still don't feel right. Maybe, I just want a bigger fraction of the focus given... something close to what I show.

Or maybe I've been this way all along... and just never knew how to say or show otherwise.

Delightful oil addled ramble, isn't it?

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