"But are you happy?"

A new year, and as before I feel the urge to scream.

The year ended with a rather boring threesome once more... or maybe just boring to me because I was doing the pleasuring/serving and nothing was coming back or being done to me... Sure, there was a very brief moment where they both sucked on my nipples but it seemed a bit of a lazy way or a way for our friend the lactophile to get over the edge. Within a minute or two and a soft sultry "that's it" from me... and they were done. That was all there was to it. The sex over the past two days has been rather unsatisfying for me and even though I had a total of one orgasm via oral sex... that wasn't cutting it. The strokes aren't cutting it. The actions aren't. Then I wonder if it really is a matter of attraction or lack thereof.

I'm a little upset with the mouse... maybe a slow boiling rage as people have been invited over tonight and they seem interested in a foursome. I really don't, right now. He's been flirting with them both all day and I am admittedly not in the mood. I said as much. We don't have to do anything? I don't want to share. I don't feel any sexual attraction or sexual tension. Really, I don't think I'd be happy with myself if I did anything with them. A flirt, maybe. Maybe little more than that.

This weekend was originally supposed to be about the two of us. We talked a bit about how things will never really be the same again. And here I am feeling a tad angry. A bit miserable. I rode him and it barely felt good... I rode him and I noticed how he came to a peak. I was able to bring him there but I... but I am mostly annoyed. Getting into a rhythm I liked - how quickly it was lost. How swift whatever pleasure was there was lost. And then he collapsed onto his side.

There's a part of me that's still wondering of Mr. L. The love is there but perhaps it is that I'm just bristling. The lust is there with Mr. L but it is nowhere near love. L is linked to longing. It's a curious thing. Then I wonder if I'd get just as bored with him.

It's possible that I just don't connect with others very well in general. It's possible that this is all a result of me feeling on the outside. I'm upset. I don't deny it. And I don't doubt that if the couple invited over does start fooling around with the mouse by default and I'm on the outside - that I'll be rather pissed. I don't doubt that I'd get up and leave the room and sleep on the couch. I don't doubt that I wouldn't want to talk to them again for a while - not that I am now.

Yes, I'm upset.

It's interesting all this talk made of a foursome and they're all just seemingly deferring to him. That now when I bring it up that the conversation dies. Am I that strange? That awkward?

There are, after all, a lot of things under the surface. He's in a rush. The mouse has an attitude of "must do it now or never again." I have my curiosity but the way this is all playing out - I'm not looking forward to it. I'm not even as attracted to the idea.

Jealousy? Maybe. Lack of attraction? Perhaps. There are likely a lot of things going on under the skin.

So, it comes down to, "No, I'm not happy... not one bit..."