“He said he wanted to surprise me.”

It feels strange… and it all feels so bittersweet.

He still looks good I wonder how I appeared to him. Perhaps, slightly bronzed, with my layer of makeup... I joked a bit. His hair was a bit trimmed and a bit wild. There was a thin, short, kind of scraggly mustache. He gained a bit of weight. He still looks good. My heart still trembled.

I looked in a mirror for a moment after he left to put one of my earrings back in. Perhaps, I didn’t look bad at all.

The sight of him felt a little like old times. Nay, it could be said to be exactly like those old times. He came to me for just a moment with a smile, a joke, few words, and then gone again. That soft, oh so sweet tension in the air between us... Perhaps, it was mostly in me. I was the one who kept my eyes fixed on his. That feeling… that intensity… that warmth…

I felt shy, but only a little. He came to my workplace. He said he wanted to surprise me and as such looked around the building for where I would be. He laughed a bit while complaining of walking too much , and I only smiled. I could have teased a bit because he claims to bike to and from work on a near daily basis.

A smile and a wave, and just like old times, a pen is pulled out to write as soon as he is out of sight. I would always start writing as soon as he said good bye. Maybe he’s a little bit of a muse for me.

He came looking for me… maybe to be polite, maybe feeling a little shy in and of himself. A little awkward but still an exciting feeling, still a warm feeling. A certain charm… perhaps… perhaps… Perhaps, both of us holding our own charm in the end...

And honestly, I felt a bit happy to see him if only for that brief moment. I fantasize too much. I could possibly hope for too much. I did stop myself from running to him at the sight. I stopped myself from the joyful calling of his name. I stopped myself from getting up at all to reach around and hold him close. I felt the urge. Then remembered how I was thought to be intense. We are distant. We aren’t deep friends, but there is indeed an attraction there even with the incompatibility.

Burning… explosive... I wonder what it could have been…

And still, he seems to have this power to make me feel both big and small all that the same time. In his gaze, so many emotions can stir up, oh so quickly… I feel brave, bold, and timid.

I still feel beautiful. I know I still am. I still have my smile and my own inner brilliance. Yet, even as hopeless as it might be, I wonder if he saw that. I wonder if he feels the same. I wouldn’t try to push the issue too much, not now at least. We still have our own paths to walk and I wonder a little if he’ll once again cross mine.

It’s possible that I’m not just more into women than men these days – but more drawing away from the man that is the mouse. Or maybe it is just the soul of a person that draws me most and more are pushing me away than pulling near.

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