February Mourning

I never stopped loving her…

I’ve been walking around with a terrible cloud over my head that was only eased by the distraction of sore muscles. It’s heavy and almost drowning. Maybe, it was there ever since I heard the news two years ago even though I’ve kept that smile on my face. I haven’t spoken to her in almost a year. I think it hurts too much to.

I’m a coward and the only woman I ever really loved… or closest to fell in love with … is married now. Her anniversary is in the next few days.

I wrote a journal entry last year that said it more to the world without ever telling her. Maybe, I’ve convinced myself it’s better this way but at the same time feel so helpless. Obsessed? I don’t know. Stalking? Heavens forbid… I see what her hands create in art. I stay away from her personal life and only look in at how she’s advancing professionally. That isn’t stalking, is it?

Reading over my words from a year before and seeing they still sting true. I’d still fight for her if I could. If I could… I haven’t stopped being a coward long enough to have a conversation with her. It still hurts… I feel like I can’t face her and I don’t have the right to. She has her life now and I’m no part of it. I have my mate and we simply are. I still wish her happiness though I know it isn’t with me.

The best word may be “forlorn” for this emotion.
Just like this people walk in and out of our lives…

Maybe I’ll be able to cry soon. Maybe I’ll be able to lie down, bawl my eyes out, and go back to hiding this feeling inside of me for another year. Maybe I’ll stop feeling this knot in my chest that travels up to my throat choking me when I think of her… this twisting in my stomach that makes me want to puke… to scream…

Part of me wants to forget…
Part of me wants to never stop caring...

I know it wouldn’t work out. My logical mind says so. I want her to be happy and it’s okay that she doesn’t feel the same way about me.
It’s okay.
It’s okay.
It’s okay.
I remind myself of that.
Yet, it still hurts and I feel selfish because of it.

Time will continue to move on. The feeling will dull. I’ll meet other people. Maybe my relationship with my mate will get better. I’ll meet other women and maybe fall in love with them. My logical mind tells me this. Still, the pang creeps back.

No comments:

Post a Comment