My heart hurts… and the more I think about the situation, the more it pains me. All the more I feel a bit of anger bubble up the more I consider it as well.
Maybe it’s selfish of me to think of such… or maybe it’s once again feeling shot down before having a chance to start.
Maybe it’s hearing for so long that he’d be willing to try certain things to see if he liked them and then on attempting he shuts down that annoys.
Looking back on last night the first thing that comes to mind is “Isn’t this complete and utter bullshit.” And then I’m expected to coddle his ego? And then he sulks after I tell him exactly what it is I want and for once am not so vague about it. And then has the nerve to say I “owe him” sex because apparently, I killed his erection and ruined his mood.
“I’m not a sub.”
I never asked him to be.
I wonder if he feels pressured or threatened by a forward woman… or if he feels threatened by ME being direct in a more dominant kind of way. Maybe it was that I pushed back in the moment and made it more my own… something I’d enjoy more… versus just letting him do whatever he wanted.
Maybe, it all came out as sort of psychological self-defense. I started out with no interest in sex whatsoever. It was really more of a playful and teasing mood to be honest. He was doing a terrible job of trying to seduce and was more clumsily rubbing his hands on me and trying to maneuver me around. In all honestly, it was more annoying than anything else. There was a bit of panic as he lifted me up and threw me onto his bed. He climbed over, said he washed his hands, and pulled off my pants as I asked only for him to slow down.
A few moments of just laying there… attempting meditation… and a snap in my mind. “Fuck this shit!”
Simple directions of “suck my clit”, “fuck me with your tongue”, “lick harder” “softer”, “higher” out of my lips with moans while holding the back of his head now and then. I thrust my hips against his face with a bit of grinding. Some simple praise of “good boy” was uttered. Twas making the moment my own with a bit of play so I could enjoy it.
“Feeling forceful?” he asked.
“You didn’t pause to ask if I wanted it. I just told you how to give it to me. Just showing you your place… Now, get back down there.”
With those words his erection was lost. His pouting began.
His eyes were red.
He spent the rest of the night huffing and fussing over minor things while I did my best to enjoy myself. He whimpered softly and sounded as if he was holding back tears in bed until I spooned him gently from behind and stroked his hair.
Part of me wonders if I brought back to his mind some of his old demons… or if it was just a tantrum.