Sick

Maybe I'm just a terrible liar... maybe I'm just tense about everything going on. My stomach is turning. I'm nauseous... and I want to stab something. I get the feeling needle felting will be invaluable to me over the next couple days.

Frustrated... and it's almost like he's trying to make other people happy... feels like bed hopping... and I feel ill. There's a line in my head that keeps coming up. "You've killed us all." Trying to not bite off my tongue... Trying to keep back any tears that might be bubbling up...

It always happens when I'm about to PMS. It always happens post ovulation. The time when I'm more likely to snap and argue and hate everything and everybody... Yeah... needle felting would be really helpful over the next few days... I've still got a bag of roving... I'm not sure how much but I think it's a couple pounds.

I feel sick... and a little angry too considering my last visit. Own my emotions. Trying to do that best I can. Using that "I" language instead of "you" ... Trying to not veil my "you's" in "I" ... Scrambled there isn't it. Expressing without blame. That's something to try. Something I'm attempting to get a better fix on.

So to try and fix my words now...
I felt hurt and left alone in bed that night I went to spend with him.
I felt discarded when he "promised" that there would be more than just a quickie... flirted all night... and then bailed due to no longer having any sexual urgency or simply "spent."
I felt stupid and used waiting for him to come to bed for over an hour if only just to cuddle while he played video games instead.

Opps... there's that "you" speak again... or it's that slippery line.

I am pretty angry about it. Even though it's all just "starting"... I'm tired about being right about his "wrong" choices. I'm tired of getting flak for voicing concerns and saying what I think. Maybe I just lack tact... maybe I'm crazy. Maybe it sounds mean - but I really don't think so.

I don't want to handle him with kid-gloves with my emotions.

Sure, feel a little sorry for him when his dates get broken - but maybe not as much as if I weren't "right" about the people. I guess it could be said that my judgment calls regarding others is a good thing… I keep myself out of trouble and make people pissed off at me when I voice my thoughts. Twitterpated? Yeah. That’s him… always jumping in and trusting so openly others with his everythings. What’s a me to do? Sure, I could just let him be… but it could be my mind is already making the switch away from calling him my “mate” in the way others might. Close friend I may have sex with from time to time. I don’t know how much I can trust him with my full self because he doesn’t seem to know what to do with that knowledge… he doesn’t seem to be able to handle that which is me.

He’s going away for his first “overnight” trip since we started dating. I’m not exactly happy about it but I’m letting him be. I’ll try to not be bitter about not having trips of my own at the moment.