I’ve a terrible sick feeling in the pit of my stomach but at the same time, I’m preparing for the worst or the end. The mouse and I had a bit of a blow out last night… or he had a meltdown. Part of me thinks he’s grieving a “lost chance.” Part of me screams he’s looking for a way out even though he doesn’t seem to want to. He says things like “I’m not cut out for this.”… things like “You deserve better.” It’s a matter of his heart… a matter of his self esteem…
I’m trying… and for every suggestion that I give of things that would help me feel better… secure… he pulls away from… he resists… He says I’m gate keeping by asking for information. I’m “rejecting” by saying I want to use condoms if he’s with other people. Fluid bonding is a major thing for me on a spiritual level… he thinks very little of it. With that broken it could be that I have little heart to want to rebuild it. Then again, we’ve not gotten to that point.
He’s fixated on “it’s over.” I’m letting go… but mostly because I think I might need to distance myself from him for a little while… not hold on so tightly… let him be as he is and see how things become.
This jumping without a net, cord, or parachute…
It’s scary to wonder what will be… To know right now there IS NO SECURITY.
It’s frightening to know that even though I say I’m committed to him, I’m not so sure it’ll be returned.
I know things are changing. Things change every moment. It’s not the change that frightens me but the possible end… but at the same time, I’m ready.