Giftless

Cheap significant others are a ton of fun, aren’t they? The mouse and I had our four year dating anniversary this weekend and I’m feeling as if I’m doing far too much. I would hate to think of myself as being really materialistic, but at the same time, it feels like he didn’t give it much thought at all and hid behind “I’m not good at things like this.” He played the song he was working on as far back as his last girlfriend and seems to have forgotten he told me as much the first time he played it and then that the lyrics were inspired by me when the ones that started it were in “her” song. I spent money on gifts, labored over a craft, and cooked something especially for him.

And, reading that back it feels like a game of “the most”.

Thinking of the relationship, I’m feeling a bit hurt right now and I’m sure if it were it’s own speaking monster, it wouldn’t be too happy right now either. I’m reminded a little of the Valentine’s Day he spent playing video games with a friend. On our anni night, while I was feeling a little ill during the day and he let me sleep, when I felt better once again he stayed up all night once more playing video games. I tried to have a heart to heart with him about our relationship and even then he had one eye to his game.

There’s a sting.

I don’t want to be his mother. He tried to be intimate but I think it just hurt too much emotionally at the time to open up. It felt like he wanted yet another “gift”… and at that point it felt like an insult or attempting to placate. I think it was this morning I said that I expected nothing for our anniversary. I hoped for something special, but nothing out of the ordinary happened. It goes back to the sentiment of “it would have been nice”, but there was no realistic expectation of something. Maybe that’s the saddest part of it all.

I might even be too depressed to masturbate…